I Am a Mother Who Is Exhausted but Cannot Sleep

I am a mother who is exhausted.

It is 3 am, yet I do not sleep.

My exhaustion has seeped into every pore, into every muscle, into every fiber of my being.

Yet I cannot sleep.

There are too many thoughts running through my mind.

No matter how much my body shuts down, my mind cannot shut down with it.

So I stay up. My thoughts wander as I stay awake.

I think about the look on my daughter’s face when I scolded her.

I think about the endless things I need to do.

It feels like no matter how much I try to accomplish, there is always something else.

I think about all of the ways I should have done better, could have done better.

Although I am exhausted, I cannot sleep.

Instead, I run the to-do list through my head.

Did I pay all the bills?

The backyard is a disaster.

When is the dishwasher repair man coming again?

Did I read enough books to my daughter today?

I cleaned the house, so why does it still look like a mess?

Was she dressed warmly enough when I let her play outside?

The biggest question that pokes at my brain and my heart- does my daughter know how much I love her?

With all the responsibilities, all the stress, all the juggling, does she know that being her mom is what is most important?

I tell her, but does she understand when she herself is too young to understand all of life’s pressures?

Does she understand that I try to give so much, but there is only one of me to give?

I am a mother who is exhausted.

Exhausted from caring. From trying. From putting one foot in front of the other when I can’t see clearly where I’m trying to go anymore.

I am a mother who is exhausted. Yet I cannot sleep.

Instead, I tiptoe into my daughter’s room, and I watch her sleep.

I watch her sleep, and I pray she knows how deeply and completely she is loved.

As I watch her, I remember that every struggle is worth it because of that little girl sleeping peacefully.

I will always worry, I will always have concerns, and I will always fear that I’m doing it all wrong.

I will always be exhausted.

That’s because I’m a mother.