Do you remember how it feels when you first fall in love? That feeling is one of pure euphoria. It gives you more spring in your step, it always feels like the sun is shining, and you walk around with a ridiculous grin everywhere you go. The “newlywed” phase of any relationship is one of obsession. You are smitten with each other. You wake up and fall asleep thinking about that person, and you are positive nothing can ever tear the two of you apart…
Eventually that phase ends and reality takes its place. The blinders are off, and you do not like what you see. What was once endearing to you is now annoying beyond belief. The person who made you feel happy and loved is now the person who makes you feel unappreciated and angry.
Love used to be enough, until it isn’t.
how understanding your love language can help improve your relationship
The idea of love languages was invented by a therapist named Gary Chapman. His book, The 5 love Languages- The Secret to Love That Lasts, explains that all of us have a love language. Just as a relationship won’t work if you can’t communicate because of a language barrier, how can a relationship work if each of you speak a different love language?
Now I’m sure many of you are rolling your eyes. We’ve already read enough about men being from Mars and women from Venus, so now we’re being told that we don’t know how to love properly? Don’t we do enough?! I know I’ve bent myself in so many directions that I feel like a human pretzel.
The truth is that your efforts are unrecognized because you aren’t speaking your partner’s love language. If you are going to put effort into a relationship, don’t you want to do it in a way that matters to the other person? If not, what is the point of trying?
my husband and i were speaking different love languages in our relationship
I know I was a skeptic when I first heard about love languages. I tried so hard, but my husband and I were still bickering all the time. No matter what I said or did, I felt like he wasn’t listening and didn’t care. I felt like I wasn’t appreciated at all.
Change came from ending our codependent behavior, but a huge part of the problem was that both of us felt like we weren’t respected or valued by our partner. There was a huge disconnect, and that was because we were speaking completely different love languages.
Just as you need to focus on your own well-being so you can take care of others, you need to make sure your “love tank” is full. What often happens is that your partner thinks that what is being done or said is filling your love tank. Unfortunately, your love tank is still empty because you speak a different love language. Likewise, you believe you are showing your love for your partner, but they don’t feel loved or appreciated at all.
Children also need to have a full love tank, and it is important that we speak their love language as well. Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell wrote the book, The 5 Love Languages of Children. There is a quiz in the book to discover your child’s primary love language.
For purposes of this article, I am going to concentrate on the understanding and importance of the love languages in romantic relationships.
these are dr. chapman’s five love languages
(This is a brief overview of the five love languages. In the book, each love language has a chapter explaining it in depth, and Chapman also gives specific suggestions on how to implement and understand each love language.)
words of affirmation
- You feel loved and valued when your partner tells you those words.
- You like to hear kind words and compliments from your partner to feel that your love tank is full.
- It is crucial for partners to recognize that people who need words of affirmation are extra sensitive when a partner verbalizes displeasure.
- Partners should be mindful that you should try to recognize and compliment the other’s efforts and speak encouraging words as much as possible. This keeps your partner’s love tank full.
- According to Chapman, “Verbal compliments are far greater motivators than nagging words.”
quality time
- For some people, what matters most is getting their partner’s undivided attention. They feel prioritized and valued when they are spending quality time with their loved one.
- Quality time is not watching TV together. It is time where you both put away distractions and focus on one another.
- Time together can be conversing after the kids are asleep, eating a meal together, taking a hike, doing an activity together, or playing a game together.
- Unlike words of affirmation, which focuses on what the person is saying, quality time is about what the person is hearing.
- Asking questions, showing empathy, and being genuinely interested in what the other one is saying is how you speak the love language of quality time.
receiving gifts
- “Visual symbols of love are more important to some people than others”- Gary Chapman
- These gifts do not have to be costly. It is the thought that counts. Some examples include giving a card (or making one), bringing flowers, or giving a small memento.
- Having something tangible makes the person feel loved. It can be found, made, or bought.
- Don’t wait for special occasions to give to the person whose primary love language is receiving gifts. Anything you give will be considered tokens of love.
acts of service
- If this is your primary love language, you feel actions speak louder than words.
- Having your partner do things makes you feel loved.
- The amount of time is not what matters, it involves actions that you know your partner wants you to do.
- Showing thoughtfulness through actions and doing these actions without complaining is speaking the love language of acts of service.
physical touch
- Being held, holding hands, or getting a massage are all examples of physical touch.
- Every person has different areas that are felt as pleasurable, so the preferable areas of touch will vary.
- A man might assume that physical touch is his primary love language for sexual reasons, but if he is having sex regularly and still feels unloved, then it is probably not his primary love language.
- Biological needs should not be confused for love languages.
what is your love language and the love language of your partner?
At the end of his book there are two quizzes (one for each of you) to understand and find out your primary love language. The test consists of 30 paired statements. You select the statement that is the most truthful for you. Then you tally your results and see your primary love language.
People often have more than one love language, but usually there is one that is the highest. That is your primary love language.
My primary language is acts of service, and my husband’s primary language is physical touch. Previously, instead of speaking the love language that the other one needed, we were giving each other the type of love we wanted. We felt unappreciated because we weren’t giving the other person the love language necessary to fill our love tank.
I now will take my husband’s hand or rub his shoulders to fill his love tank, and he does things around the house without bickering (most of the time ?).
Just as it is important to respect someone’s feelings even if they are different from yours, there is no right or wrong love language. It is important to give your partner the type of love they need. When people feel appreciated and loved, it is much easier to work through obstacles and work together as a team.
Do I miss the days when I heard the birds singing and I felt like I was floating on a cloud? Sure. The honeymoon phase of a relationship is fleeting. Understanding and speaking each other’s love language is a love that lasts a lifetime. I choose that kind of love any day.
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Naomi P Lane says:
I think our love language is “words of affirmation”. We are constantly saying nice things to build each other’s self-confidence and support our different passions. For example, my husband said it me this morning, “What a great blog!” after he read my latest post. I tell him to “Quit being so hard on yourself,” when he gets self-critical and I remind him of all the productive things he has done. So I can see your point that we have one primary mode of expression.
Randi says:
That’s great that you each know the other’s primary love language, and that you give the other one that kind of love!