One of my biggest parenting challenges is living in the moment with my daughter. To be fully transparent, I always struggled with my daughter’s current age/stage of life. I spent most of my child’s life either staring in the rearview mirror or looking ahead.

I WASN’T LIVING IN THE MOMENT WITH MY DAUGHTER 

When my daughter was a newborn, I remember feeling so exhausted and overwhelmed. I had to put my daughter’s pacifier back into her mouth throughout the night in addition to breastfeeding. I wanted her to be able to put her pacifier in her own mouth.  Also, I wanted her to be able to sleep for longer stretches without needing milk. It felt like my world had completely turned upside down.  There was no room for me or my needs because taking care of her was so all consuming.

When she started sleeping for longer stretches, I still didn’t live in the moment. I wanted her to get a little older so she could communicate with me. I thought parenting would get easier when she was more verbal and also more mobile.

When she became a toddler, I couldn’t wait until she was potty trained. I was tired of changing diapers and her endless response of “no” to everything I said. I thought that once that stage was over, I would then be able to live in the moment.

Her Sensory Processing Disorder(SPD) was diagnosed at 4, and by then I already suspected she had Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) .  I understood why independent play and impulse control were challenging for her, but it didn’t make it any easier for me. 

I yearned for time to myself when I wasn’t constantly getting tugged, grabbed, pulled, Called for, Whined to, and needed.

Despite all the years of wanting her to get older, at the same time, I cried every year on her birthday. When she became an infant as opposed to a newborn, I cried. Each time she was about to turn a year older, I cried. I both wanted to reverse and fast forward time, but never could embrace the current time.

When my daughter started school, I was a complete mess. Despite wanted some breathing room, I was beside myself that now my child had an entire new world separate from me. We had done everything together, and that was no longer the case. I cried when she went to school three days a week part time, and five days a week part time. When she went five days a week full time, I was inconsolable. I got what I thought I wanted all along, but it turned out that once I got it, I wanted nothing more than to give it back.

When Brielle became school-age, I started dreading her getting older.  I remember her eating cheerios in her highchair, jumping in her jumperoo, and holding her arms out to me and saying “mama” for the first time. Truthfully, I would give anything to be able to rock her to sleep in my arms one more time.

I am haunted by how the years seemed to fly by.

I want to yell at myself that I didn’t cherish it more. My daughter is going to be nine years old, and the things I used to complain about are now the things I miss so deeply.  It is the ultimate cosmic joke.

The expression that comes to mind is, “Be careful what you wish for.” Not only do we fail to live in the moment with our kids, we fail to embrace whatever stage we are in in our own lives. As children, most of us wanted nothing more than to get older and to feel like an adult. Once we were adults, we wanted nothing more than to stop aging. Not only do we fail to see that life isn’t greener on the other side, we make the mistake of thinking that reversing time or moving time forward will make us happier. Spoiler alert: it is not the case.

I NOW APPRECIATE WHAT IS IN FRONT OF ME, EVEN THOUGH IT CAN BE DIFFICULT AT TIMES

I spent too many years not living in the moment with my child. I’ve realized that I need to savor the joys that come with whatever stage of life she is in currently. My daughter will never be a baby again, but she also will never be this age again. I have to appreciate what is right in front of me because the present time is indeed a present.

Embracing the present does not mean that you are going to love every second of it. Far from it. It is perfectly okay and normal to be cranky and want more sleep when dealing with a screaming baby. It is okay to have the desire to put cotton balls in your ears if you hear your toddler whine one more time.

Each stage of life has its challenges, but it is also important to appreciate the beauty of each stage.

Take the time to savor the moment when your child is sleeping peacefully in your arms. When your child wants nothing more than to be with you, remember that there will come a day when friends, significant others and the outside world will compete with you for that leading role. It is difficult and frustrating to be needed so deeply, but it is also such a privilege. Learning to hold space for both is the key to living in the moment.

As for me, I am doing my best to learn from the error of my former ways.

I strive to live in the moment. I appreciate the benefits that come with having a child who is not yet a pre-teen, but not a little girl either.

Now I can have deeper conversations with my daughter. She is more self-sufficient, but she wants to be with me and still looks to me for comfort and safety. My daughter is learning to rely on herself, but she still needs me.  

She is currently homeschooled, so I get to have extra time with her.  I still struggle with lack of free time, but I appreciate that I get this time with her.  When she went to school, I felt that by the time she got home, had a snack, and did her homework, it was time for her to get ready for bed.

Now we have all the time in the world together, and I am trying to live in the moment and appreciate that as much as possible.

Brielle now loves reading, so she will sometimes sit next to me on the couch as we each read a book. Other times she will sit with me and I’ll read her a book or we take turns reading to each other. She also loves writing, so I got her a journal and we will each write in our own journals. My daughter still looks at me lovingly and tells me that I’m the best Mommy in the world. I cherish that, as I do all the benefits that come with living in the moment.

Parenting at this age is not a piece of cake, as she is more defiant and argumentative. However, the truth is that every stage of parenting is going to have challenges. For every obstacle you get passed in one stage, a new one inevitably pops up in the next stage. The truth is, parenting will always have its challenges. Those challenges simply change with time.  Learning to accept that allows one to embrace living in the moment as opposed to trying to change it.

I will always look back wistfully at the years passed.

I will sneak a peek at her baby books and cry at old photos. However, I am now taking the time to savor  all the benefits that come with loving and accepting exactly who my daughter is currently. I can miss who she was, but I wouldn’t change who she is now for anything. With that acceptance I have found a peace of mind that I never had in parenting prior. I cannot control the passing of time, but I can control how I choose to spend my current time. I hope that is something that resonates with each of you so that you too can live in the moment and embrace it.

As my daughter gets older, I often reflect upon her childhood. Growing up with an abusive mom, I understand the significance of my role as a mother. I know that her upbringing will shape her values, beliefs, and perceptions about herself and her relationship with others. My hope is that when my daughter grows up, she will look fondly upon her childhood. I hope I will instill in her morals, kindness, and self-confidence. These are the things I want my daughter to remember about me:

(1) She received my full attention

Life can pull all of us in many directions, and as mothers we have to juggle quite a bit. However, I always set aside quality time to spend with my daughter. No matter how hectic my day was or how many outside distractions, I was intentional in my time with her. I want my daughter to remember that there wasn’t a single day when she didn’t receive my full attention. The amount of time might have varied, but we always did something together without me looking at my phone, checking my emails, or thinking about something else.

I implemented “fun time” with her, which is a minimum of 15 minutes a day together doing something of her choosing. We played tea party, teacher, house, teacher, tic-tac toe, hangman, etc. Whatever it was, I gave her my undivided attention. There were many times throughout the day when I couldn’t give her my full focus. However, during fun time she had all of me.  I hope she will remember that when she grows up.

(2) I cared about what she had to say

I want my daughter to remember that her thoughts mattered to me. When she spoke about Frozen for the 100,000^th time, I listened. I listened to every single word of her conversation with her imaginary friend. When she told me that she wanted to be a horse trainer when she grew up, I listened. I cared about every hope, every thought, every dream, every feeling. No matter how big or small, I want my daughter to remember that I wanted to hear what she had to say. 

(3) I made her feel safe and comforted

I cry as I write this one. Of all the things I want my daughter to remember about me, this one is of utmost importance. I did not grow up having a mother who made me feel safe, and I wanted that more than anything. Being the person who makes my child feel safe is such an honor and a privilege, and it brings me so much joy to know that I was able to give that to her.

I am the one she goes to when she is afraid. She comes to me when she feels hurt. I am the one who reads her books about not being afraid of the dark and teaches her belly breathing. I am the one who helps her relax when she has a hard time sleeping at night. She reaches for my hand when she needs comfort.  I am the one who wipes away her tears, kisses every boo-boo, and wraps my arms around her when she needs reassurance. I am her safe place.

(4) She is loved unconditionally

While I’m crying, I might as well write about this one too. Again, this was something I lacked growing up, and it was something I vowed to give to my daughter. I want my daughter to remember that no matter what, she is always loved. There is nothing she could ever say or do that would change that.

When I am feeling angry at something she said or did, I always make sure to tell her that my feelings of anger do not take away from my love for her. If we have a difficult night and she is giving me a hard time at bedtime, I always make sure to tell her “I love you” as the last thing I say to her for the night. There are many uncertainties in this world, but my love for her is not one of them.

I have no doubt that the conflicts between my daughter and I will only intensify as she hits puberty and teenage years. I want my daughter to remember that no matter our disagreements or frustrations, my love for her is unwavering.

(5) Our bedtime routine

I have put her to bed almost every night since she was born. I want my daughter to remember that our bedtime routines have changed with age, but we always have one. When she was younger I would rock her in the rocking chair and sing her lullabies. Now, I read her the next chapter from whatever book we’re currently reading, kiss her stuffed animals, and then we kiss each other’s hands and forehead. We always say our bedtime prayers and “I love you.”

(6) WE DID THINGS JUST THE TWO OF US

We have a secret handshake, we like to snuggle together in the bed and talk about our day, and we listen to yoga music and put our legs up on the wall for ten minutes (it’s very good for relaxation). We also take walks around the block when it is nice weather, and we will stop and look at the lawns, the flowers, and the house on our block that frequently changes its outside décor. While walking we also like to play a game. We quote a line from a book we’ve read together, and the other one has to guess what book the line came from. I want her to remember all those little things that we did, and that they were special because we did them together.

(7) I homeschooled her

This is the second year that I’ve homeschooled my daughter. During this time, I want my daughter to remember how much she has grown and learned. I want her to remember that she is capable and that her Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) do not define her. 

My hope is that she looks back fondly upon this time. For example, during lunchtime I sometimes take out a blanket and spread it on the living room floor so we can have a “picnic lunch.” I made up a funny song when she couldn’t remember the definition of “antonym”, “synonym”, and “homonym.” To reinforce what she’s learned in math, sometimes I’ll set up chairs around the blackboard and she gets to be the math teacher for me and her stuffed animals. She gets to take frequent breaks and jump around and “shake out her wiggles”. When she feels like she isn’t able to figure something out, I show her another way of learning it. Sometimes it clicks and sometimes it takes days or even weeks, but I want her to remember that learning differently does not mean she can’t learn. The sky is the limit for her.

(8) Our family traditions

I want my daughter to remember the hearts taped on her door on Valentine’s Day, the balloons with little notes stuck inside them on her birthday, and the decorations all over the walls. I hope she remembers how we would change the décor in the house for every season, and how she would help me put the old décor away and set up the current ones. When she grows up, I hope she remembers how we all (me, my husband, and my daughter) sat down together every night at dinner and talked about our days. I want her to remember how we had movie nights with popcorn, how we snuggled under blankets and lit a fire when it was cold outside, and how we drank hot cocoa with marshmallows. 

(9) Our Jewish traditions

I want my daughter to remember the role that Judaism played in our lives. Some of these traditions include how we lit candles every Friday night for the Sabbath and had a special dinner. We played dreidel and ate potato pancakes on Hanukkah, we sang our hearts out when we had our Passover Seders, and we said our prayers every night before bed and prayed every Sabbath. I hope she continues to have a love of Judaism and her faith helps her throughout her life.

(10) Cooking together

I want my daughter to remember all the times we spent cooking together. Whether it was making granola, preparing a special meal for Daddy’s birthday, or making cookies, we each wore our aprons as we cooked together.  I taught myself to cook, and it was important to me to teach her how to cook. She has sensory issues and didn’t like her hands to get sticky. When cooking she had to put her hands into the ingredients at times to mix  (e.g., granola mix).  As a result, she now doesn’t have that problem. We always have fun together in the kitchen, although she is never a fan of the cleaning up part! My hope is that my daughter remembers those times.

(11) Being silly together

We have always danced together. When she was a baby, I carried her and danced (and once almost tripped over my pants that were too long!), and as she got older she would hold my hands and dance. Now we crank up the music, shake our booties, and act like complete fools. We also sing together (and not well, may I add) and tell each other jokes. I want my daughter to remember that I wasn’t afraid to be silly and make a fool of myself in the name of fun.

(12) I was her biggest cheerleader 

I was fortunate to be able to stay at home so I could witness all her firsts (e.g., first smile, laugh, sitting up, crawling, walking, etc). When she went to school, I attended every school event, volunteered in the classroom whenever there was an opportunity, never missed a Friday school service, and literally cried the one time I didn’t know the school invited parents to participate and therefore I wasn’t there.

When she took dance class I watched on their TV every class she took, watched on the bleachers every gymnastics class, and cheered every soccer game she played. I taped every time she received a new taekwondo belt and clapped (probably a little too loudly, but I clapped for all the other kids too). I want her to remember that I was her biggest cheerleader and supported her every hobby and passion. Most of all, I was so proud of her for trying, regardless of the outcome.

(13) I was her biggest advocate

I want my daughter to remember that I was her biggest advocate. When her kindergarten teachers suggested that she wasn’t capable of doing the work the other kids were doing, I wouldn’t hear of it. I took a home video of her doing the very work they claimed she couldn’t learn. After my meeting with the principal consisted of him checking emails instead of listening to my concerns about my daughter’s lack of support, I pulled her out of the school.   

I found out she could get an Individualized Education Program (IEP) through the local public school. I emailed and fought with the support team to get an initial meeting and subsequent evaluation. Then I did intensive research and made sure they tested her on all areas of concern that I had. When it was time to write up the IEP and they showed up with all of two goals, I spend the next two weeks coming up with all the goals and recommendations that she needed. They are now in the IEP.

I have kept the door open to her returning to school. We are looking into private schools, but I will not send her anywhere until I know that the school will implement the IEP completely and will give her the support she needs too thrive. 

(14) I made mistakes and I owned up to them

I actually want my daughter to remember that I am not perfect. I want her to know that when she grows up it is okay and normal to not have it all figured out. Motherhood isn’t a walk in the park, and I won’t always say and do the right things. I also want her to know the importance of taking responsibility for your mistakes, and that there is no shame in saying you are sorry. She may be my child, but she deserves an apology no matter her age. In doing so, I hope she will understand and remember that I did my best and was always willing to admit wrongdoing.

(15) It is okay to not be okay

I do not discuss my adult problems with my child. However, I want my child to remember that it is normal and healthy to not always be okay. I have tried to teach her healthy coping mechanisms and ways to work through her feelings. In addition, I model for her that it is crucial to allow yourself space to feel whatever you are feeling. I want my daughter to remember that I encouraged her to talk about how she was feeling and not bury those feelings. My hope is that she also remembers the importance of honoring those feelings instead of judging herself for them.

(16) I took my role as mom seriously 

It is my job to guide and teach my daughter. From the time she was born, I have taught her through play things such as language, numbers, writing, and reading. Even more importantly, I teach her the importance of being a good person. I want my daughter to remember that my priority was to teach her morals and values, not to be her buddy. We have fun together and I love spending time with her, but I am her parent. It is up to me to let her know that she should be picking up her toys, taking her schoolwork seriously, and showing respect and gratitude. I want my daughter to remember how seriously I took the role of being her mom.

Part of my job is to encourage her to believe in herself. My daughter struggles with playing independently. I have encouraged her to be her own friend and figure out ways she can enjoy her own company. Although I am her source of safety and comfort, it is also my job to teach her to be her own source of safety and comfort too. She needs to love herself, and I am not a replacement for that.

(17) I encouraged her to be her best self

As a recovering perfectionist, I am very mindful of not instilling a perfectionistic mentality into my daughter. I want my daughter to remember that I encouraged her to always try her best, but I did not compare her to others. I want her to always strive for growth and to be the best version of herself that she can be. That said, perfection is not a goal nor an option.

(18) We always Read together

From the day she was born, I have read to my daughter. Now that my daughter is older, she reads to me as well or we rotate reading pages to each other. I still make sure to read to her every night. She is an avid reader, and I want my daughter to remember all the wonderful memories surrounding reading together.

(19) She could tell me anything

I want my daughter to remember our talks. When something was on her mind, she would often tell me she wanted to have a “meeting”. We would go into my room, sit on my bed, and she would tell me what was on her mind. I tried my best to offer comfort, advice, or just listen, depending on what she needed. I may not have always gotten it right, but I tried. As she gets older, it is important to me that my daughter knows that she can always come to me. There may be times when I feel it is important to state my opinion because I want her to make informed decisions. Regardless of her life choices, I will always be there for her and try my best to support her.

(20) Life is what you make of it, and it is often unfair

I want my daughter to know that life will knock her down. It is up to her if it keeps her down. My daughter doesn’t know any specific details of my childhood now, but one day I will tell her. I want her to know that despite my struggles I kept trying.

She knows she has difficulty concentrating and has difficulty controlling her impulses. When she asked me why some things are harder for her, I told her that life is often unfair and there isn’t always a good answer. I want her to remember that I always encouraged her to play the cards she was dealt. Most of all, I want her to know that her mother was a fighter, and that she is a fighter too.

I am sure I will add to this list as my daughter gets older. My greatest wish is that above all, she remembers and believes that I was a good role model. I hope she looks fondly on her childhood and wants to instill the same kinds of memories with her children. One thing she will never have to remember, though, is how deeply and fiercely she is loved.

 

Our job as parents is to support and guide our children through life. That is no easy task. We are constantly questioning what is best for our children. However, despite our best intentions, there are times when we do not follow the golden rule of treating our children like we would like to be treated. This is where the hypocrisy of parenting comes in.

I believe that we are all guilty of unintentional hypocrisy. We may send mixed messages, ignore our child’s opinions, or have a separate set of rules for ourselves than our children. These actions can make children feel confused and unsure of how they should act in the world. 

Before I go any further, I want you to know that this is something that every parent does.

I am by no means trying to make anyone feel badly about themselves or their parenting skills. Parenting is hard enough as it is. We are often consumed with guilt, which only gets amplified because of a world that often shames our choices. That said, we can always strive to learn and grow as parents. My hope is that this article brings awareness to allow some room for growth. No mom shaming is being written by me. Ever.

I am guilty of many (if not all) of the examples written below. With that said, our children are very much aware of the double standards that we set for ourselves and for them. We will always make mistakes as parents, but my hope is that we can learn from those mistakes, while giving ourselves compassion.

The Hypocrisy of Parenting: 8 Confusing Messages We Send Children

 

(1) Kids aren’t allowed to have bad moods.

There isn’t a person on the planet who hasn’t had a bad day. Sometimes there is no explanation. Other times it is situational. It may be that we didn’t get enough sleep the night before. Our boss was unfair to us. Our spouse didn’t appreciate the effort we put into cleaning the house. A person stole our parking spot. We all feel cranky sometimes.  Sometimes it just has to run its course.

Children are no different. They will experience bad moods, frustration, crankiness, and/or acting ornery. This is where the hypocrisy of parenting comes in. We expect others to show us compassion and empathy when we are feeling “off” or when we had a bad day. Yet when kids get cranky,  we usually tell our children to stop. We inform them that it isn’t okay to be grumpy. If there is a cause, we may try to help our children through it, but eventually we will reach a point where we tell our kids that enough is enough. We are not going to put up with their attitude.

Just as we need to sometimes ride the wave of whatever it is we are feeling, so do our kids. Kids are allowed to have bad moods and bad days, just like us. The hypocrisy of parenting is when we don’t give our children space to feel that way.

(2) WE INSIST OUR CHILDREN CLEAR THEIR PLATE WHEN THEY SAY THEY ARE FULL

As adults, we are able to stop eating when we feel full. Yet there have been many times my daughter says she is full, and I insist she eats everything before getting up from the table.

I understand that some kids will claim they are full as a tactic to skip dinner and go straight to dessert.  That is a different story. However, if a child insists they are full and doesn’t want any more food (dessert or otherwise), why do we tell them they need to keep eating?

It is important to keep in mind that not allowing kids to make these types of decisions can lead to problems in adulthood. In fact, this hypocrisy of parenting can lead to obesity for children when they get older because they develop an inability to control their apatite properly (dailymail.co.uk, 2020) . 

(3) We don’t try to understand why our kids are acting out of control.

It is often difficult for kids to express themselves. As a result, children are prone to temper tantrums due to the frustration of being unable to articulate their feelings. They also lack the skills to emotionally regulate themselves. If you think about it from their perspective, wouldn’t you get out of control if were unable to explain how you were feeling? Heck, many adults struggle with expressing their emotions. 

Temper tantrums are grating on even the most patient of people. However, if we take the time to understand WHY our toddlers are throwing a tantrum, it can make it easier for both parents and children. Instead of trying to get our children to stop, what if we took a moment to take a deep breath, and tried to understand what the cause was of the tantrum? Perhaps it was exhaustion. Perhaps they felt frustrated because they lost their favorite toy. Whatever the reason, young children or children who have difficult expressing themselves have the same feelings as we do- they want to feel understood.   

The hypocrisy of parenting takes place when we don’t take the time to understand why our kids are acting out. As grown-ups, if we get extremely frustrated, we want empathy.  We want the people we care about to take the time to understand why we are feeling triggered. In fact, a huge part of marriage is taking the time to understand our partner’s triggers and hold space for them. Even if we don’t agree with why someone is acting a certain way, we do our best to respect their feelings. Children deserve the same treatment.

(4) We rush to judgment.

I get angry when I feel judged. I am sure you do too. We all deserve the opportunity to be heard. Children deserve that opportunity as well.

Raise your hand if you have gotten mad at your kid for doing something without giving them an opportunity to explain themselves. I’m raising my hand too. What if we didn’t rush to judgment and  saw if there was a reason for those actions? We are guilty of the hypocrisy of parenting when we jump to conclusions, but we don’t want others to rush to judgment about us.

Again, if your child is doing something outright dangerous or inappropriate, I am by no means advocating that behavior. What I am suggesting is that we are often black and white with our children. There is right and wrong, but we forget that sometimes we need to allow a little bit of grey. Before we jump in to correct or critique our child, perhaps we can give them some space to explain things from their perspective.

I remember a particular time I was guilty of this.

My daughter is not allowed to use paint without permission. I came into the play room and found my daughter painting. I felt my blood boiling that she disobeyed a rule. She was told to immediately put away the paint. After giving me me the saddest look, she put it away and walked into her room. She said nothing.

A few minutes later she came back downstairs. My daughter was crying and told me that she wanted to surprise me with a special picture on a canvas. She tried markers first, but it didn’t look good. She knew she was supposed to ask permission to use the paint, but she couldn’t because then it would ruin the surprise. Let’s just say that I felt like something that should be scraped off the bottom of a shoe after she explained herself.

Did she break a rule? Yes. However, I was quick to rush to judgment and assume she was being defiant. She had very sweet intentions, but I was quick to make assumptions. Had I given her the opportunity to explain herself, I would have handled the situation differently. I would want the chance to explain myself, and she deserved the same.

(5) We don’t let our children openly speak their minds.

As adults, we are supposed to use our voice and be our own greatest advocate. We are guilty of hypocritical parenting when we expect our kids to blindly follow what they are told.

I want to stress that there is a line between arguing/debating versus giving your child a chance to share their perspective. Some things are absolutely non-negotiable in life for all of us. However, as long as a child is being respectful, I believe we should encourage our kids to speak their minds. I think teaching our kids to blindly follow anyone of authority is a very dangerous and slippery slope. If we don’t allow our kids to speak up now, how can we expect them to use their voice as adults or if they are in a compromising situation?

I went to a private school that served pizza on Fridays. In third grade, I realized that they were giving us extremely small slices, yet charging us regular price. Although the people doing this were in a position of authority, I felt what was going on was wrong. I decided to start a petition that we should receive bigger slices. Unfortunately the school did not comply with my request, but I was proud of myself for standing up for what I believed in and taking a stand. Even though I was a child, I felt (and still do) that I should speak my mind.

There have been several times when I have said something to my daughter and she has suggested or said something that changed my perspective. There are other times when I will listen, but tell her that I am standing by my decision. I want her to know that I care about her opinion, while understanding that giving her a voice doesn’t mean that she dictates how I parent.

(6) We expect our children to immediately drop what they are doing for us.

I do not like to wait for my daughter. When I tell her she should get off of her iPad, finish an activity, etc. I expect her to immediately comply. However, I am absolutely guilty of hypocritical parenting because if my daughter wants my attention, I will usually tell her she has to wait for me.

I’ll take it one step further. When my daughter tries to get me to stop what I’m doing, I will get angry at her for demanding. I am in the middle of something, and I expect her to be patient and wait. So why do I not allow the same for her?

What I’ve started doing is giving her notice that I’d like her to finish up what she is doing. Obviously if there is an urgent matter, she is expected to stop immediately (just as I would do under the same circumstances). Otherwise, I let her know in advance and will give her ten minute, five minute, and one minute notice. Similarly, I will typically ask for ten minutes to finish something up. If either one of us need more time, we let the other one know.

(7) We Don’t Let our children make their own decisions.

For example, many of us enroll our kids in extra-curricular activities. Have you ever enrolled your child in an activity without asking your kid which one they’d prefer to do? 

I had a neighbor who loved baseball. He told me he dreamt of being a professional baseball player, but he wasn’t good enough. From the time his sons were young I would watch him practicing with his sons in the street. I remember one day commenting to the older son that he must really love baseball. His response was, “Not that much, but my dad really does”.

Some of us are guilty of thinking that just because we like something, we think that our children should feel the same way. We forget that our children are their own individuals with their own likes and dislikes. Just because our dream was to be a doctor, doesn’t mean our children are going to be doctors. We should not project our hobbies and aspirations onto our children.

(8) we trivialize their feelings.

If something is important to me, I want my opinions and feelings to be acknowledged. However, if we feel our kids are upset about something that we deem “silly”, we will often minimize their feelings and say it isn’t a big deal.

We need to remember that kids deserve respect too. They deserve to have their feelings validated no matter what. We sometimes fall into the hypocrisy of parenting when we feel our kids are blowing something out of proportion, so we tell them to let it go. Our kids deserve to feel that it is safe and encouraged to express their feelings no matter what. We may think they are blowing things out of proportion, but we have no right to tell our kids how to feel. I know I wouldn’t want to be told my feelings were silly.

 

The hypocrisy of parenting is something we all are guilty of doing.  So often, we do not treat our children the way we would want to be treated. We must stop holding our children to a higher standard than we can attain ourselves.

I am a mother who is exhausted.

It is 3 am, yet I do not sleep.

My exhaustion has seeped into every pore, into every muscle, into every fiber of my being.

Yet I cannot sleep.

There are too many thoughts running through my mind.

No matter how much my body shuts down, my mind cannot shut down with it.

So I stay up. My thoughts wander as I stay awake.

I think about the look on my daughter’s face when I scolded her.

I think about the endless things I need to do.

It feels like no matter how much I try to accomplish, there is always something else.

I think about all of the ways I should have done better, could have done better.

Although I am exhausted, I cannot sleep.

Instead, I run the to-do list through my head.

Did I pay all the bills?

The backyard is a disaster.

When is the dishwasher repair man coming again?

Did I read enough books to my daughter today?

I cleaned the house, so why does it still look like a mess?

Was she dressed warmly enough when I let her play outside?

The biggest question that pokes at my brain and my heart- does my daughter know how much I love her?

With all the responsibilities, all the stress, all the juggling, does she know that being her mom is what is most important?

I tell her, but does she understand when she herself is too young to understand all of life’s pressures?

Does she understand that I try to give so much, but there is only one of me to give?

I am a mother who is exhausted.

Exhausted from caring. From trying. From putting one foot in front of the other when I can’t see clearly where I’m trying to go anymore.

I am a mother who is exhausted. Yet I cannot sleep.

Instead, I tiptoe into my daughter’s room, and I watch her sleep.

I watch her sleep, and I pray she knows how deeply and completely she is loved.

As I watch her, I remember that every struggle is worth it because of that little girl sleeping peacefully.

I will always worry, I will always have concerns, and I will always fear that I’m doing it all wrong.

I will always be exhausted.

That’s because I’m a mother.

Motherhood is messy

Let’s be honest. Motherhood is messy. 

You know those images of perfectly dressed families, not a hair out of place, smiling their pearly whites? I often stare at those images while in my oversized sweatshirt, stretchy pants, (Jeans? What are those?) and hair thrown into a ponytail.

Motherhood is often those moments where you look around in disbelief and wonder WTF?! Those times happen so much more than the magazine worthy moments. They are hectic and test your sanity. These moments are unfiltered, may involve some sort of bodily fluid, and are REAL. Those are the moments where I think back and snicker (sometimes). Those series of moments define what it is to be a parent. Indeed, motherhood is messy.

So here are some of the cringeworthy moments I’ve experienced during the messiness of motherhood. Some will make you laugh, some will make you shake your head, and some may make you turn green. I know you’ve had some of these moments too.

MOTHERHOOD IS MESSY, ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE A POOP SMEARING TODDLER

When Brielle was 20 months old, I put her inside of her crib to take a nap. She was on a regular naptime schedule, so I had a good idea of when she would wake up. About an hour and a half later, I expected her to be awake. To my surprise, she was silent. I normally check the monitor when I hear her, but I felt there was no need to in this case. I was being given a gift of alone time, and I was going to take it.

A half hour later, I started to worry. I decided to take a peek at the monitor. Brielle was quietly playing in her crib. Her back was to me, but she seemed content. She wasn’t a baby who kept herself occupied, so again I decided to seize the opportunity and let her be.

Another half hour later I started to get a feeling in the pit of my stomach. An hour of sitting in the crib without a peep? Who had taken my child and replaced her with this imposter baby?

I slowly tiptoed into the room, opened the door, and saw a sight that will forever be etched into the deep recesses of my mind.

My daughter had taken off her soiled diaper, and she was using her feces as finger paint. 

THERE WAS POOP. SO MUCH POOP.

It was all over her frontside (so with her back facing me I had no idea the horror show that was going on), all over her hands, all over the backside of the crib, and all over the wall where the crib lay. Additionally, it was on the sheets, on her legs, in-between her toes, it was on her nose. It was like an Edger Allen Poe scene, baby edition.

Let’s not even discuss the smell. Oh, the smell.

I wasn’t sure whether to gag, faint, cover my eyes, or run out of the room and pretend I hadn’t just seen what I’d saw. How could I possibly clean this up? Was there a haz-mat company that could take care of this for me?

I don’t know how I cleaned it all up, cleaned her up, and managed to stay sane. I honestly think I blacked out during the cleanup process, as I can’t actually recall cleaning. My husband was at work during the time, and I’m sure it was one of the many times he thanked his lucky stars that he didn’t work from home.

My husband came home to a clean room, a clean child, and a completely frazzled wife. I learned a very valuable lesson that day. Always check on my child. Always.

the messiness of motherhood: my daughter’s drug DEAL encounter

I mentioned this story during my discussion about Tricky People, but it was too cringeworthy not to share again.

I took my daughter to a nearby park with my husband and in-laws one Saturday afternoon. My 3-year-old daughter was running around the park and enjoying herself. In the distance, there were a few nicely dressed men having a conversation. It seemed a bit odd to me that they were so well dressed at a park, but I wasn’t going to judge them for being fashion friendly.

I turned my back for a moment (it’s always during those moments when something happens, unfortunately), and turned back to see my daughter standing in-between the men. Although I couldn’t hear what she was saying, they seemed to find her comical as they were laughing and smiling. I quickly came over, ushered her away, and apologized for the interruption.

My husband later told me that he witnessed those men doing a drug deal. It was bad enough that my daughter didn’t understand the importance of not going over to strangers.  Apparently, she was also now interacting with our friendly neighborhood drug dealers.

why road rage is bad

 

I hate driving. Therefore, I avoid highways. For some reason drivers on the highway look down upon cars that stop in the middle to figure out where they need to go. I have anxiety towards driving in general, so I will follow the same route and not veer from it even if there is traffic.  

I encountered some major traffic one evening when I was taking Brielle home from dance. There was some sort of construction taking place, and a crane was occupying part of the lane. My car was slightly over the double yellow line due to the lineup of cars and the interfering crane. Cars were going by in the opposite direction without a problem, while my car wasn’t budging.

All of a sudden, a woman driving a very nice SUV stopped her car. I don’t know why my car upset her so much. Maybe she had a bad day. Perhaps her nice SUV had a smudge on it. Maybe she had to use the bathroom. Whatever the reason, she stopped her car, looked at me and yelled, “F*** YOU!”

She was LOUD. Do you realize how loud was for me to hear her with her windows and mine rolled up? We’re talking levels of loudness that I didn’t think were humanly possible. 

Normally I don’t curse. However, this woman made me see red. Who did she think she was to stop her car and scream at me like that? I wasn’t in her way, and even if I was, what kind of crazy person reacts like that?

Therefore, I did what any classy woman would do in response. I screamed right back at her, “No, F*** You!”  She glared at me and drove off.

That was when I remembered I had my daughter in the backseat of the car. Not only had she heard that woman curse me out, worse, she heard me talk like that too.

I wanted to crawl inside a hole and never come out. I was about to turn around and explain how I shouldn’t have reacted like that when my daughter burst into hysterical laughter. That’s right, folks. My daughter thought me screaming like a crazy person was the funniest thing she’d ever seen.

She never asked me what those words meant, and she never used them. We did later talk about anger and healthy vs. unhealthy ways of expressing anger, but that was the extent of it. My foul language escaped her, and I considered taking a course in road rage. 

Running Errands with my daughter threatened my sanity

You cannot take Brielle on any errands. Due to her ADHD and SPD, she likes to touch every item in the store, possibly throw items in the cart, sit on items that are not chairs (my favorite is when she tried to sit on a stack of boxes of La Croix, and she knocked one of the boxes over). She also likes to run up and down the aisles and play hide and seek (meaning she runs away and I panic and find her). Truthfully, I have considered using a tether, but it seems people frown upon using those with an 8-year-old. Motherhood is messy business sometimes, but you do what you need to survive.

One time I took Brielle with me to CVS. I only had to pick up a few items. I would never dream of taking her somewhere that involved a lengthy trip. The plan was simple- I was going to grab the three items, let Brielle hand the cashier the CVS club card, and get back into the car. Easy, right?

Not so much. I always go over the rules with Brielle in advance, but she seemed to forget them as soon as we got inside. She tried to pull away my hand as I held it. I reminded her we had to hold hands, and I asked her to help me find the vitamin pills.

Brielle did not want any part of this. She instead started screaming, “Mommy, you’re hurting me!”

Other customers started staring. I knelt down to her level and told her that could not say stuff like that in the store, as people would think I was actually trying to hurt her.

I asked her to please cooperate and we could play a game to see who can spot the vitamins first. As soon as we started walking, she again started screaming. This time, she yelled that I was breaking her hand.

It was at this point that I realized that no vitamins were worth me having to explain to security or possibly Child Protective Services that I was not injuring my daughter. I immediately walked out of the store with her. We had a long talk when we got home about why she couldn’t say things like that.

Remember how I said I look back at these stories and often chuckle? This is the exception to the rule. I will always turn a shade whiter whenever I think back to that experience. 

my daughter has no filter

Brielle likes to talk. She will talk to anyone who will listen. Truthfully, she’ll talk even if they aren’t listening. She is not a person that would ever be able to take a vow of silence.

It is a challenge to have a child that talks from the moment she wakes up. I try explaining that Mommy needs her cup of coffee first, but she doesn’t comply.

This especially becomes a problem when we have work done on the house. People come to give a quote or to fix something, and they also have the bonus of having my daughter go over to them to chat. By chat, I mean say completely inappropriate things that force me to hire them and/or recommend them out of sheer embarrassment.

Some of the most embarrassing moments have included:

• My daughter telling the plumber that his pants were falling off.
• Asking one of the construction workers why his skin was wrinkly.
• Telling the realtor that she looked like a woman, yet sounded like a man.

What I now tend to do is play with Brielle in a separate area of the house when workers come over. They get their work done more efficiently, and I don’t have any more nightmares.

Zoom meetings are boring, unless I’m crashing them!

My husband has several zoom meetings a day, and my daughter also attends zoom meetings for religious learning. She was told that remote learning is the same as in-person learning, except you are at home. She understands she has a teacher, and teachers are to be respected. At least I thought she understood.

Brielle has issues focusing, so I knew that it would be a challenge to get her to pay attention via online learning. I had a talk with her about the importance of listening, and I told the teacher to let me know if there were any problems.

I put Brielle in her room where there were no distractions, and I could keep an ear out. No other parents were present during the class, and I wanted to afford her the same privacy. For the first few weeks everything went well. That is, until Brielle discovered the camera button on zoom.

I got an email from her teacher notifying me that Brielle was turning off her camera during class. She was also using the chat box to start conversations with kids during learning.

I put a stop to that, but my daughter found something more exciting. She started leaving the room during her online class. She would sneak into my husband’s office when he was having his own zoom meetings. On more than one occasion, a co-worker would start waving, and my husband would turn to see my daughter standing behind him smiling. 

Since then, I have moved my daughter downstairs where I can keep a close eye on her at all times. She knows I’ve got my eyes on her, and more importantly, my husband knows my daughter’s eyes are not on his co-workers. 

motherhood is messy: uh oh, my daughter found the condoms

Brielle doesn’t know the meaning of privacy. Just as every person who enters our home is a new friend. Every item in our house is an item that she must examine. 

One day I left Brielle in my bedroom when I went to use the bathroom. When I came out, I saw Brielle was rummaging through my husband’s nightstand. She then held up a box of condoms and asked me what it was, while trying to read the information on the back of the box.  I understand that motherhood is messy, but this was just downright embarrassing.

I grabbed the box from her, closed the nightstand, and told her that those were for grownups. We had one of our infamous talks (do you see a theme?) and I learned to never, ever leave her alone in my bedroom. I also reconsidered baby-proofing again.

motherhood is messy, but i wouldn’t have it any other way

Life with my daughter is never dull. It requires patience that I never knew I had, and it tests me daily. Motherhood is messy, chaotic, and unpredictable. There are many, many times when I am frazzled, overwhelmed, and possibly on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Motherhood is a great representation of life. It is challenging, frustrating, and full of hurdles and roadblocks. It also is filled with beauty, humor, and countless memories. As a result, I try to embrace the chaos, find the humor in the moment, and cherish the little things that bring me joy. I now brace myself for the bumps, enjoy the peaks, and remember that motherhood is messy, but it is the ride of my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way.