Author: Randi

How To Treat Yourself With Kindness: 18 Tips and Strategies

Posted on by Randi
how to treat yourself with kindness

We try our best to treat others with kindness, and we teach our children to treat others with kindness. However, how often do we treat ourselves that way? For many, we are our own worst critic rather than our greatest source of comfort and support. As a result, I am sharing with you 18 ways to treat yourself with kindness.

18 Tips and Strategies To Treat Yourself With Kindness

 

(1) Challenge negative thoughts and feelings

It seems like such an obvious thing, but avoiding self-criticism is something that so many of us struggle to actually implement! We often find ourselves falling victim to our inner critic, who is a master at telling us that we are stupid, worthless, and failures. Our inner critic is formed from painful early life experiences in which we witnessed or experienced hurtful attitudes towards us. As we grow up, we unconsciously adopt and integrate this pattern of destructive thoughts and behaviors towards ourselves. This continuous way of thinking becomes the story we tell ourselves.  In turn, these negative beliefs are the lens in which we interpret ourselves and the world around us. We fall into the vicious cycle of confirmation bias – we seek things to confirm the story that we tell ourselves. If we believe we are failures, we will naturally view the world in a way that confirms that belief.

How do we stop this? By challenging the self-criticism and negative thoughts. Replace the negative beliefs with positive ones. Challenge the story that you tell yourself. The next time you tell yourself that you are a failure, stop and think if that is indeed the case. Change your confirmation bias by pretending you are opposing counsel and remembering about all the times you did something that was difficult. Think about examples of your accomplishments and goals that you have achieved. Replace your self-criticism and negative thoughts with kindness and self-respect. Speak positively and compassionately to yourself, and tell your inner critic that you appreciate its intentions, but you are going to take it from here. 

(2) Positive affirmations

I’m a big believer in faking it until you make it. Write down a list of things you like and believe about yourself (or want to believe about yourself). Include all positive qualities and attributes. However, remember to primarily focus on who you are as a person rather than how you look. Whatever negative stories you tell yourself, write the opposite in an affirmation. For example, if you have a negative belief that you are unlovable, write positive affirmations such as, “I am loveable just as I am.”, “I deserve love.”, and “I am loved.”

be kind to yourself

Make a commitment to yourself to say positive affirmations daily. I think saying them aloud in front of the mirror is a great way to reinforce these affirmations (huffpost, 2016), but there is no right or wrong way to do this. The important takeaway is that these positive affirmations should be used to help you to believe in yourself and help you change the way you talk and view yourself. Treat yourself with kindness, and you will start to believe the things you are saying.

(3) Prioritize yourself

Treat yourself with kindness by putting yourself first. You are important, and you need to start valuing yourself. That means implementing a self-care routine and setting boundaries. We all have limited time, but even ten minutes a day dedicated to caring for yourself will do wonders for your mental wellness as well as self-esteem. By scheduling time for self care and setting and maintaining boundaries, you are telling yourself that you matter and respecting yourself.

Ask yourself what you need and what type of care you need every single day, and make sure to take the time to give it to yourself. Check out my worksheets on self-care and my boundaries worksheet for step-by-step instruction and examples of each.

(4) Accept that mistakes are inevitable, and you are not perfect

As humans, we are all fallible. Imperfection is inevitable; judging yourself for your mistakes is not treating yourself with kindness. Instead, try to create small, realistic goals that set you up for success (healthshots.com, 2020), and remember to acknowledge and praise yourself along the way. If you set a goal and it wasn’t achieved, remind yourself that you did not accomplish this goal YET. By including the word “yet” in the statement, you are giving yourself space and time to achieve your goals rather than criticizing yourself and interpreting it as a failure.

(5) SElf-Acceptance

We all have visions of how we want our lives to turn out and what we want to achieve in the future. Often, life does not work out the way we anticipated. Our individual journeys are comprised of a series of curveballs, and all we can do is play the hand we were dealt. Accept what is out of your control and focus on what is within your control. Treat yourself with kindness and respect while holding space for growth.

This applies to us and our healing journey as well. Accept all parts of yourself by remembering that each of us are works-in-progress. We can always strive to be better and do better, without setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves or expecting perfection.

(6) Be your own friend

The standards, words, and thoughts that we have for our friends should set the precedence for the standards, words, and thoughts we use for ourselves. Give yourself empathy, compassion, and understanding just as you would a friend. The next time you are harsh with yourself, ask if you would react the same way if these circumstances applied to a friend. Treat yourself with kindness by being your own friend, avoiding self-criticism, and respecting yourself. 

(7) Discover what brings you joy

Do things that make you feel happy and content. Even if it is only for a few minutes each day, make sure to discover and take time for your hobbies. Whether it is listening to music, reading a book, or painting, invest in your own self-happiness.

(8) Be your own advocate

Encourage and motivate yourself daily. This also means recognizing that everyone needs support. Reach out to others and ask for help if needed. Just as you would fight to get support for your child if it was needed, fight for yourself.

(9) Surround yourself by people who love you unconditionally and treat you well

Others treating you with kindness is not a substitute for treating yourself with kindness. However, if you want to respect and care for yourself, you cannot be around people who do not appreciate you and treat you badly. Set boundaries to ensure healthy relationships, and distance yourself from people who are toxic. Defend yourself and speak up if you are not treated in a way that aligns with your values and beliefs.

(10) Give yourself the validation you seek from others

It is natural to want others to acknowledge and support your feelings. However, you must learn to get that validation from yourself first and foremost. Otherwise, you are opening the door to codependent behavior and seeking reassurance from others rather than giving it to yourself.

A way to learn self-validation is through journaling. Write down your thoughts, feelings, challenges, and any behavior that makes you feel guilty. Also, write down your accomplishments and things you feel proud about.

Practice mindfulness by taking time to acknowledge your feelings, good and bad.  In order to validate the negative feelings, normalize them instead of judging yourself for what you are feelings. For example, if you snapped at your child, remind yourself that everyone feels frustrated. Then, take time to give yourself support for the negative feelings/actions. Write down ways you can comfort yourself. For example, remind yourself that it is understandable that you snapped due to feeling overwhelmed (thehealthy.com, 2017). The next time you feel overwhelmed, perhaps you can try to practice breathing or taking a break. Remember to not judge yourself, but rather to validate and support your feelings.  As long as you aren’t acting abusive, you need to understand that you are human and are doing the best you can.

(11) Discover your own love language 

love language

Knowing your love language and your partner’s love language is crucial for your romantic relationship, but it is also a great way of showing kindness to yourself. Remember to speak your love language to yourself. For example, if your love language is words of affirmation, remember to tell yourself on a regular basis that you are doing a great job and that you appreciate everything that you do.

(12) Take care of yourself

Just as you should practice self-care for your mental well-being, it is necessary to take care of yourself physically. Make sure to eat healthy and exercise regularly. Treat yourself with kindness by looking out for your health.

(13) Embrace your differences

Instead of looking at your differences and insecurities as something to be ashamed of, what if you embraced them? Whether it is the unusual way you laugh, your unusual sense of humor, or the freckles all over your face, remember that differences are what make you special.   

(14) Focus on your strengths

Make a list of things that you like about yourself. Include all accomplishments, acts of bravery and perseverance, and anything that is a source of pride. Also list traits and qualities you appreciate about yourself. Look at this list often, and keep adding to it as needed. Whenever you are feeling badly about yourself or are treating yourself harshly, look at this list as a reminder that you deserve to treat yourself with kindness. This list is who you truly are, and that person deserves to be treated well.

(15) Don’t compare yourself with others

It is fine to look at others’ accomplishments and appreciate them. They can be used as inspiration, but they should not make you feel like you are lacking. Every person’s circumstances are different, and comparing ourselves to others is a game we will never win. Success is subjective and we all have our own pace and way of achieving it (healthshot.com). The only person we should strive to be better than is ourselves.

(16) Give yourself physical reassurance

Treat yourself with kindness by giving your feet a massage, give yourself a hug, or hold your own hand (thehealthy.com). Remind yourself that you are your own source of comfort.

(17) Meditation

Repeat a kind mantra to yourself or listen to a guided meditation to treat yourself with kindness. Meditation “teaches your brain to be more compassionate and soothing throughout the day, even at times when you are not actively meditating” (thehealthy.com).

meditation is a key to kindness

(18) Understand that change takes time

This new way of treating yourself is going to be a work-in-progress, as it’s hard to learn how to change. Instead of getting mad at yourself or judging yourself, remember that treating yourself with kindness means accepting that you will mess up. You may take two steps backwards after you take one step forwards. That’s okay. Pick yourself up and try again. 

 

 

Learning to be kind to yourself means accepting that like everything in life, you will fall down and have to get back up. It is up to you whether you fall down and kindly dust yourself off, or if you fall down and yell at yourself for falling.

Don’t forget to share this post with someone in your life who deserves to treat themselves with kindness! <3 

 

15 Things I Wish I Knew Before Becoming a Mother

Posted on by Randi
things i wish i knew before becoming a mother

There are so many times I’ve thought to myself, “I wish I had a crystal ball so I could know the future”. However, when it comes to motherhood, I wish I had a time machine so I could talk to the version of myself before I became a mom. That woman (aka me) didn’t have a clue! For those that are navigating the intricacies of motherhood, this post is for you. Here are the things I wish I knew before becoming a mother:

THE 15 THINGS I WISH I KNEW BEFORE I BECAME A MOTHER

 

1. You can never be fully prepared to be a mom.

Sure, you can have the basics like a crib, changing table, and diapers, but the true complexities of motherhood? No way. You can read every baby and parenting book out there, take every course, and speak to every mom, and you still won’t be prepared.

I don’t say this to freak out any mothers-to-be.

I say this because parenting isn’t one-size-fits-all. Every kid is different, and the moment you think you’ve got the parenting thing under control- BAM!- something new happens. Your kid is always changing, and their preferences and needs will change. What worked today may not work in a month (or even tomorrow, as is usually the case in my household). The only way to be a mom is to actually be a mom.

I was one of those pregnant women that thought I could study my way into motherhood. I did well in school by studying, so why not apply that same principle into motherhood? So I read. A LOT. Guess what? Those books didn’t prepare me for the helplessness I felt the first night when I tried every technique I read, and nothing would make Brielle stop crying. I had to figure out what worked for her, and that took trial and error and a lot of tears (on her part and even more so on mine). Motherhood is a constant work-in-progress.

2. Parenting is HARD. SUPER HARD.

It is the most physically, mentally, and emotionally draining thing you will experience in your life. It will test you in every way possible, and it requires endless patience.

I wish I knew before becoming a mother that parenting will always be a challenge. I thought that taking care of a newborn was the most demanding thing, until Brielle became a toddler. Then she became a little kid, and I had a whole new set of challenges. Parenting doesn’t get easier. It just gets different.

3. Parenting is the biggest responsibility you will have in your life.

Being responsible for the well-being of another human being is a privilege, but is an overwhelming responsibility. It is one that should be taken seriously. That doesn’t mean you should feel you have to do everything right (because that is impossible), but it does mean that the precious life of an innocent child is in your hands. It is up to you to do your best to guide that child into a self-sufficient, well-rounded, kind, compassionate adult.

4. You will love your child more than you ever knew was humanly possible.

love your child more than you will ever know

I know I’ve probably terrified many new and expecting moms with the first three. However, of all the things I wish I knew before I became a mom, this one matters most.   The love you will feel for your child is immeasurable. You will feel like your heart actually grew because you won’t understand how it is possible to love that much.

I want to clarify something though. You know those movies that show moms feeling this instantaneous love the moment they hold their child? That is simply not the case for all moms. Hormones are soaring, you’ve just endured pain that can only be described as torture, and some women struggle with postpartum/peripartum depression (PPD). Just because you don’t feel that kind of love at the beginning, doesn’t mean you won’t.

When I had Brielle, I was overwhelmed.

I was in complete shock (she came 6 days early), and I was in a panic.  I looked at Brielle and I felt connected to her, but a part of me also wanted to run. FAST.

I remember hysterically crying to my father-in-law 3 weeks after I gave birth. My husband had to go back to work when Brielle was 1 week old, and I couldn’t get Brielle to stop crying (she had acid reflux, had her days and nights mixed up, and she had a set of lungs on her. She actually made herself hoarse on many occasions). I was sad all the time, I wanted my old life back, and I felt guilty and like a failure for feeling that way. I was too overwhelmed and depressed to fully grasp the extent of my love for her, but once I did, WOW.  

5. Educate yourself about postpartum depression.

I wish I knew this before I became a mother because I would have recognized the symptoms. I was extremely depressed for many months at the beginning of Brielle’s life. Some of it was due to my husband’s lack of presence, some was due to the challenges of being a new mom, but a lot of it was hormonal. Had I spoken to my OB-GYN or a mental health professional about it, my quality of life during all those months would have probably been a lot better.  

“Peripartum depression is a serious, but treatable medical illness involving feelings of extreme sadness, indifference and/or anxiety, as well as changes in energy, sleep, and appetite…Peripartum depression is different from the “baby blues” in that it is emotionally and physically debilitating and may continue for months or more. Getting treatment is important for both the mother and the child.“ ( Psychiatry.org , 2019). Please know that there should never be any shame about seeking help if you are struggling.  

6. Privacy is a thing of the past.

Once you have a baby, time to yourself is limited. I couldn’t take a shower or go to the bathroom without my little bundle of joy accompanying me. She would cry hysterically if I wasn’t within her view at all times. My body was no longer just mine. I had a baby come out of me, and she was now breastfeeding around the clock. Although I wouldn’t take back those times with her for anything in the world,  it was a huge adjustment. I was being touched, vomited on, and producing milk constantly. Even when your baby gets older, your kids will still be all over you, and you will often have an audience in the bathroom.

7. Self-care and boundaries are crucial.

You can’t set boundaries with a baby, but you can implement a self-care routine for yourself. I wish I knew before I became a mother that it is crucial to practice self-care.  Parenting is demanding, and you cannot pour from an empty cup.

Figure out a time to Implement self-care.

It can be when the baby is napping or when your husband is with the baby. It can be when the baby is in the playpen. Don’t take it for granted, as it is easy to overlook it with all of life’s demands.

When your child gets older, continue to practice self-care. Remember that looking out for your mental well-being is a priority, no matter the age of your child. You can also start to state boundaries with your children such as, “I don’t like when my arm is grabbed.” or “I will be able to help you in five minutes.” Your needs matter, and it is up to you to verbalize them. Obviously, boundaries have to be set with children based on their age and ability.

8. Remember who you are separate from being a mom.

I wish I understood the importance of this before I became a  mom. For a long time, I completely neglected my identity besides being a mom and wife. I am a Stay-at-Home-Mom, and those responsibilities completely enveloped me and my identity.

Hobbies and other things that bring you joy should be done daily, if only for a few minutes. There should be time for YOURSELF and who you are as a person, separate from your family roles.

9. You will not enjoy motherhood all of the time.

I feel that so many moms believe they are supposed to soak in every moment of motherhood. There are times when that is not the case. I don’t relish when I am trying to get something done and my child is screaming for me. My daughter having a meltdown is not something I find enjoyable. I don’t soak in when my daughter refuses to listen to me or acts disrespectful. I can love being a mom without loving every moment of motherhood. It is so important to know this before becoming a mother.

I’ll take it one step further. There are moments that I miss the freedom that comes with not having any children. When my daughter was first born, I missed it like crazy. However, that does not mean that I ever regretted being a mom. There is not a single moment when I felt that way. I always love my daughter, and I will always choose her. I can miss and occasionally look back wistfully at my pre-motherhood life and still not want to trade being a mom for anything in the world. You can feel both, and that IS OKAY. That does not make you a bad mother. It makes you human.

10. Motherhood will give you strength you didn’t know you had and make you feel fears you didn’t know existed.

I lived in New York my entire life (with the exception of living in NJ for a year) and moved to another state because I felt it was best for my daughter. People literally took bets on when I would return to NY because I am such a creature of habit.  I argued with every member of her student support team to get her tested and have an IEP created (and I am an introvert and have social anxiety). Additionally, I dealt with my husband’s addiction while taking care of a newborn and raised her by myself because it was what I needed to do. I am capable of things that I probably wouldn’t be capable of otherwise because of my love for my daughter. She is the reason why I strive to be the best version of myself.

Alternately, she is the reason why I fear so much. You don’t know the meaning of worrying until you have a child. I worry if she knows how much she is loved and how my choices will affect her. I question if I am doing it all wrong. No matter her age, I will always worry.

11. Your child will teach you more than you teach your child.

It is a parent’s job to teach and guide their child. However, Brielle has taught me far more than I could ever teach her. She taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. She taught me how to be a better person. My daughter taught me the importance of working on myself to be the best mother I can be. She taught me that perfection is an illusion. Brielle taught me what matters most in life. She taught me how strong I really am, and how powerful a mother’s love truly is. Most of all, she taught me that I can be the kind of mother she deserves, regardless of the fact that I didn’t have that kind of mother myself. She taught me that I get to make my own present and future regardless of my past.

12. You will see beauty and joy that you didn’t see before.

Getting to view life through the eyes of your child is the most amazing gift and privilege. I didn’t have a happy childhood, and so I cherish this even more. Seeing my child smile and hearing her laughter is a blessing and one that makes every difficult moment of parenting worthwhile. It is a gift that I will never take for granted.

13. You will struggle.

motherhood is overwhelming

This is something we all experience, and I wish I knew this before I became a mother. There will be times when you will want to draw the covers up over you and hide. You will feel overwhelmed, sad, and/or a plethora of other emotions. People experience feelings of sadness, loneliness, anxiousness, fear, etc. Having a child doesn’t make those feelings go away. You have an added stressor now that you have a child. Motherhood is a struggle in of itself, and when you add that to the revolving door of responsibilities, it amplifies those emotions.

It is okay to struggle. It is okay to not always be okay. You are not superwoman. The best thing you can do for yourself and your child is be honest that life isn’t always sunshine and roses. Show your child that life can be rough and don’t pretend that you’re always okay. Model healthy coping mechanisms to help you deal with your struggles and to teach your child healthy ways of dealing with life’s obstacles.

14. Motherhood can be isolating

I felt very lonely when I became a mom. I didn’t have any friends with newborns, and there weren’t any groups for new moms in my area.  Moving to a new place without a support system made it even more isolating for me. I have heard countless stories from moms who felt extreme loneliness after having a child. “Surrounded by new life – screaming, crying, unappeasable new life at that – can be far from the idyllic picture of new motherhood often portrayed. It can actually be an incredibly lonely and isolating time in a mother’s life. For many women the postpartum period can be a time of hardship, confusion, drastic change and intense loneliness” (CT Examiner, 2019).

15. Your priorities change.

Having a child really does change everything. Every decision you make, every action you take has an effect on your child. It is no longer just about you. Your child needs to be your number one responsibility and your priority.     

I wish these were things I knew before I became a mother. I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself, and I would have understood that it was okay to struggle. Motherhood is a beautiful thing, but is not for the faint of heart. Grasping the complexities of motherhood is what allows mothers to truly embrace it. It is only then that we can accept it fully, with all its dips and peaks.

What do you wish you knew before becoming a mother? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

How To Avoid Raising an Entitled Child: 10 Tips and Strategies

Posted on by Randi
avoid raising an entitled child

WHAT IS AN ENTITLED CHILD?

We love our kids. That is a given. However, in our quest to shower our kids with love and the best things in life, we often find ourselves raising entitled children.  How does a child become entitled? They seem unappreciative and act demanding, ungrateful, and selfish. In a nutshell, we took a wrong turn somewhere along the way and found ourselves in Entitled City.

TIPS AND STRATEGIES TO AVOID RAISING ENTITLED CHILDREN

Do you ask yourself, “Why is my child so entitled”?  Here are 10 strategies on how to avoid raising entitled children and stop entitled behavior dead in its tracks:

(1) Gifts are a privilege

Kids need their basic needs met- food, clothing, and shelter. Many of us didn’t have many materialistic things growing up, so we want our children to have what we lacked. Remember that gifts don’t fulfill what our kids really need. Love and memories are what matter most. Memories are far more valuable than tangible objects.

Of course, that doesn’t mean your children shouldn’t get any books, toys, or games. However, be mindful that too much of anything is not a good thing. If your children never want for anything, they will never learn to truly appreciate what they have.

(2) Institute chores

age appropriate chores for children

In order to avoid raising an entitled child, teach your child that they have responsibilities in the household as well. This teaches them self-sufficiency and the value of contribution. Chores will obviously vary based on age and ability, but even young children can do chores. This allows them to feel a sense of pride and accomplishment. Increase responsibilities with age and ability, and remember that doing their chores for them is not doing them any favors.

I don’t believe that a child should get paid to do chores, as there are certain obligations that we do simply because they are necessary. I don’t get paid to wash the dishes, and my husband doesn’t get paid to mow our lawn. That said, it is a different story if you want to give your child money for doing extra chores that are not their responsibility. Teaching your child the value of earning money is an important lesson as well.

(3) Give back

We often don’t appreciate what we have until we see how blessed we are. Children don’t always realize that many others lack the things they get so readily. It often takes seeing others who have less than we do to not take things for granted.

Let your child give back and spend time helping others. Whether it is volunteering at a soup kitchen or taking care of animals at the shelter, they are making a difference and see the value of giving. If your child has a ton of toys, let them gather up the ones they no longer use and donate them. Learning that giving is better than receiving is a life lesson worth learning at any age. They will feel good about themselves for helping others. This will help them to appreciate what they have and put their own good fortune into perspective.

(4) Make sure to spend quality time with your children

spending quality time with your child

The amount of time isn’t as important as the quality of time. Teach your children that love isn’t something reflected by the amount of toys they possess. Rather, it is shown by the connections people share. Set aside time each day to focus entirely on your child, without any distractions. Allow your child to determine how you spend your time together. It gives them a sense of control and independence, while teaching them that love cannot be bought. This time together should never be taken away as a punishment.

(5) Do not encourage entitled behavior

If your child doesn’t use their manners, acts demanding, or starts whining, simply state, “I will not discuss this with you until you are respectful.” Then ignore or walk away if necessary. Engaging will only send the message that this behavior is tolerated. When setting expectations, make sure they are age/ability appropriate.

Remember that although it is easier in the moment to give in and buy that candy bar when your child is throwing a tantrum in the store, it is also rewarding inappropriate behavior. It sends the message that your kid is entitled to get what he/she wants at any cost. In order to stop raising entitled children, remember that the values we instill in them now lay the foundation for their adulthood.

(6) Don’t solve their problems

As parents, it is heartbreaking when we watch our kids struggle. We want to step in and do whatever we can to make it easier for them. However, hardships are a part of life. If we don’t teach our children how to handle difficult situations now, how will they be equipped to deal with them as adults? They will grow up expecting that it is other people’s jobs to do challenging things for them. More importantly, they will have no coping skills for life’s challenges.

Talk to your kids about the fact that life isn’t always easy. It is okay to not always be okay. Model for your child ways you give yourself love and support during difficult times. Be a source of support when they are struggling too. Remember that you can support your child without fixing their problems. Instead, brainstorm about what they can do during difficult circumstances so they have the tools to help themselves. The harsh truth is that we will not always be there to soothe our kids and take their pain away. They must learn to rely on themselves.

(7) Teach the importance of intrinsic rewards

Good acts and behaviors are rewards in of themselves. We cannot give our child something every time they behave or say the right thing. It is okay to acknowledge their good behavior, but stress that they should feel proud of themselves. The next time your child makes a good decision say, “You should be proud of the way you ______________. How did that make you feel?” Allow them to take pride in their decisions and feel a sense of responsibility for their actions.  

(8) Actions have consequences through choices

Allow your children to make their own choices (within reason and based on age/ability), and to deal with the consequences of those choices. For example, if your child shows no regards for his belongings, remind him that he will misplace his toy if he isn’t mindful of where he puts his things. If he then loses his toy, the natural consequence is that he cannot use the toy it until he finds it. Do not help him look for it or repurchase it for him. Your child will learn that he is responsible for the outcome of his decisions.

(9) Teach your child empathy

importance of empathy

First, model empathy by showing concern for other people’s feelings. Demonstrate what you can do to support a person, even if it is just picking up phone and listening.

Next, encourage your child to consider other people’s feelings as well. For example, if a classmate has a family member who is ill, ask your child how they think their classmate is feeling. Discuss ways to comfort others during those difficult times (e.g., telling your classmate you are sorry about their grandmother, making a get well soon card). When events come up, discuss the impact it has on others. Help your child to consider other people’s feelings instead of solely focusing on their own.

(10) Model good behavior

You cannot expect your kid to be well-mannered and appreciative if you walk around demanding and rude. Our children watch and listen more than we realize. Being a kind, giving person goes a long way towards instilling compassion and kindness in our children.

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Our kids will grow up one day, and it is our job as parents to avoid raising entitled children. We must give them the tools they need to be well-adjusted adults . Setting them on the right path now will take them from entitled children to caring, empathetic, and grateful adults.

Ways to Implement Healthy Boundaries for Your Mental Health

Posted on by Randi
implement healthy boundaries

Boundaries. A word that holds so much importance, but is so often misunderstood. The reality is that implementing healthy boundaries is crucial for your mental health. Additionally, they allow you to have healthy relationships and protect your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

The Importance of Implementing Healthy Boundaries for Your Mental Health

Boundaries have a bad rap. People feel uncomfortable with the idea of setting boundaries. Additionally, they feel boundaries are giving ultimatums or telling people what to do. The truth is, without boundaries there is likely to be burnout, anger, and resentment. You cannot have a healthy relationship without implementing healthy boundaries. Period.

Boundaries allow for healthy relationships because you are deciding what is best for yourself. In other words, you are focusing on your identity and not holding yourself accountable for others. Equally, others are not responsible for you. This prevents codependency and other unhealthy or toxic behaviors.

Setting healthy boundaries allows you to prioritize your non-negotiables. This in turn promotes putting your mental health and wellness first. Boundaries are a necessary form of self-care. In order to love yourself, healthy boundaries are needed.

Recognizing Healthy Versus Unhealthy Boundaries

As explained above, implementing healthy boundaries allows for improved mental wellness and promotes healthy relationships. That said, not all boundaries are healthy. A boundary is unhealthy if you keep a distance from others to protect yourself from getting hurt, are afraid to say no, and/or accept disrespectful behavior or comments that don’t honor your core-values and needs. Unhealthy boundaries also take place when too much personal/private information is shared, you rely on others’ approval before making decisions or stating an opinion, and/or your sense of self is based on how others treat you. “In other words, healthy boundaries can be the difference between a healthy, happy relationship and a toxic, dysfunctional relationship” (positivepsychology.com, 2020).

HOW TO SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

setting healthy boundaries

Now that you have a better understanding of why healthy boundaries are crucial, the next question is how to set boundaries.

Here are things to keep in mind to implement healthy boundaries (psychcentral.com, 2016):

(1) Tune into your feelings and ask yourself what you want and need from your various relationships.

This includes romantic relationships, friendships, children, family members, and co-workers. What goes on in these relationships that makes you feel resentful or uncomfortable? Those are likely the things that require boundaries.

(2) Figure out what your core values are.

In other words, what matters to you most? What are your non-negotiables/limits?

(3) Examine your current boundaries (if any), if they need to be applied to other relationships, or if they don’t accurately reflect what you need.
(4) Start small.

Pick something that isn’t as stressful for you to set, and then work your way up to more difficult boundaries.

(5) Make sure to clearly communicate your expectations.

You want to ensure that there are no misunderstandings.

(6) Do not apologize for your boundaries and try to be as concise as possible.

It is not necessary to go into great detail and justify yourself. You can state why the boundary is important to you. However, boundaries are not asking for permission. People don’t have to agree with your boundaries, but they do need to respect them.

(7) Remember to say “no” if you feel uncomfortable or to prevent a violation of your limits.

Alternately, be respectful of other people’s needs and if they say “no” to you, as long as they are not violating your boundary in the process.

(8) Try to keep the focus on yourself and your needs rather than focusing on what someone else’s actions.

For example, “I will not pick up the phone after 10pm” rather than saying, “Stop calling me so late.”

(9) Consistency is everything.

Don’t set a boundary unless you are going to follow through with it.

(10) Remember that setting healthy boundaries may be uncomfortable to you at first.

You might feel guilty about setting boundaries. You may feel that you are hurting someone’s feelings or are being disrespectful. Change is hard, and your hesitancy is understandable, especially in environments that don’t embrace boundaries. For some, lack of boundaries is all that is known.  It might be an adjustment, but with time, it will get easier.

(11) Prioritize yourself.

Remember to put yourself first. Additionally, be mindful of your well-being to set and maintain boundaries. Remember that implementing healthy boundaries is for your mental health and will improve the quality of your relationships.

Types of Healthy Boundaries

healthy boundaries for your mental health

Setting boundaries will vary based on various relationships (coworker versus spouse), but all relationships need each of these boundary types (mindbodygreen.com, 2019).

Physical Boundaries

This incorporates your need for personal space, whether or not you want to be touched, and your privacy.

Examples of physical boundaries are:

“I need 30 minutes to myself after I get home from work.”

“I don’t like kissing in public.”

“This room is off-limits for other people.”

“I don’t tell my daughter to hug people. That is her choice.”

Intellectual Boundaries

This refers to your thoughts, ideas, opinions, and beliefs. It is making sure that you are heard and that your ideas are respected, even if they vary from others. It also means stating when you feel comfortable or uncomfortable discussing something.

Examples of intellectual boundaries are:

“I don’t like discussing politics.”

“I think it is better to discuss this when the kids are asleep.”

“We have different opinions, and I’d like to be able to state mine as well.”

“I won’t continue this conversation if I am talked over.”

Emotional Boundaries

This is respecting your feelings, what you are willing to share, and when you are willing to share personal information.

Examples of this are:

“Are you able to talk? I am struggling right now.”

“You seem upset, but I am upset too. I need a few minutes to calm down before we sit down and talk about this.”

“I don’t need you to agree with my feelings, but I do need them to be listened to with empathy.”

Sexual Boundaries 

This encompasses all aspects of sexuality, including consent, respecting different preferences, and limitations.

Examples of this include:

“I will only have sex with a condom.”

“No. I don’t feel comfortable doing that with you.”

“Please keep your hands to yourself.”

“I am not in the mood for that tonight.”

 “I really like __________. Is this something you’d feel comfortable doing with me?”

Material/Financial Boundaries

This refers to money and materialistic objects. Setting expectations for what is yours financially, what you feel comfortable sharing, and how your items should be treated all encompass this boundary type.

Examples include:

“I am not able to loan you money.”

“If you borrow my car, I want it returned in the same condition in which I loaned it to you.”

“I lent you my dress, and it was returned with a stain. I will not loan it to you again until it is taken to the dry cleaners.”

Time Boundaries

This includes how you use your time and how much time you spend with others or doing things. You need to prioritize your time and who you spend it with.  This is necessary in order to set and maintain healthy boundaries for mental wellness. Failure to do so will result in overcommitting and feeling overwhelmed.

Examples of this type of boundary are:

“I can only stay for 20 minutes.”

“I have other obligations, so I can’t volunteer for this event.”

“In order to spend uninterrupted time with my wife, I do not talk on the phone after 8pm.”

 

 

Implementing healthy boundaries for your mental health is not optional. It is crucial for your mental, physical, and emotional wellness, and for any type of relationship. This should be considered a part of your self-love and self-care practice. Just as you cannot pour from an empty cup, you cannot prioritize your needs and limits without setting boundaries. 

Only you can determine what boundaries to set, and what happens if those boundaries are not respected. Depending on severity, it may vary from reinstating your boundaries more assertively to ending a relationship. Show compassion for yourself as you learn to implement boundaries, and remember that it is necessary to respect the boundaries of others as much as others should respect yours.

 

Ways to Celebrate Valentine’s Day at Home

Posted on by Randi
ways to celebrate valentines day

Valentine’s Day is typically an opportunity to spend time together outside of the home. Although COVID-19 has put a damper on that, you can still have a romantic Valentine’s Day. Wait until the kids are asleep and spend time together. Unsure of how to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year? I’ve got you covered! Use these 10 simple, yet memorable ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day with your beloved:

Have an indoor movie night

Pick a romantic movie, pop some popcorn, and snuggle on the couch. Having a private watching party is a great way to relax, unwind, and enjoy time together on Valentine’s Day.

Plan an indoor picnic

Spread out a blanket on the floor, gather your food, and open up a bottle of wine. Toast to one another and pretend you are eating outside without having to worry about any bugs.

Make a simple dessert together

smores

Whether it’s making cheesecake with a store-bought crust or making smores by the indoor fire, use some simple ingredients to celebrate Valentine’s Day at home.

Cook dinner together

You have to make dinner anyway, so why not do it together? Pick a recipe that is special to the two of you, help tie one another’s aprons, and sneak in a few (or many) kisses while cooking. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate, but the important thing is that you are making something together.

Play a game

Friendship is a crucial part of maintaining your relationship, so why not celebrate Valentine’s Day at home while kicking your spouse’s butt at a game of Scrabble? Our personal favorites are Othello and Mastermind. You can also do a puzzle together or play a game of cards. Enjoying one another’s company is the best way to celebrate Valentine’s Day at home. 

Do a subscription box for couples

There are tons of boxes for couples that get delivered to your home:

  • Escape the Crate: A bi-monthly “Escape Room” subscription box full of puzzles and mysteries to solve. We actually did this one for awhile, but we found that some of the puzzles were too vague to figure out due to ambiguous clues.
  • Crated with Love: Crated with Love is a date night box designed by therapists and family counselors. Each month they send a new, uniquely-themed collection of 4 or 5 challenges and activities created specifically for couples.
  • The Adults and Crafts Crate: Create something with your spouse or significant other on date night with this monthly, DIY craft box.
  • DateBox Club: With a unique theme every month, each box provides an activity, a snack, a playlist, and best of all, DateBox Club’s signature Connector pieces.
  • Love Language Card Game: Cards are divided into 5 categories to make sure every topic of life is covered: Family, Intimacy, Couple, Individual, and Past & Future. You can either focus on one category you want to deepen with your partner, or mix them all.

There are many different subscription options based on how frequently you want to get a box. Based on your personal preferences, you can find a box that you and your sweetheart will enjoy doing together. If you aren’t already a subscriber you won’t be able to get this on time for Valentine’s Day. However, you can always use it another time for an extra special indoor date night!

Have a private dance party

dance party

Nothing says romantic like playing some romantic music and slow dancing. Turn out the lights, sway slowly to the music, and see where the night takes you! If either one of you isn’t a fan of slow dancing, you can stream your musical preference and snuggle on the couch.

Talk

You can tell each other about something funny that happened to you, or you can use THIS printable for intimacy where you ask and answer questions. 

Make homemade Valentine’s Day cards for each other or write poems for one another

I prefer a written letter or poem from my husband over a store-bought card any day. You can even write a poem together. It’s Valentine’s Day; sappy is good.

Get touchy feely

Buy some massage oils and give each other a nice back rub. Light some scented candles, play romantic music, and enjoy!

 

 

Even if you’re stuck at home, there are still many ways to make Valentine’s Day memorable. Use one or many of these suggestions, and have a wonderful time celebrating Valentine’s Day together at home!

SUNCards Is A Great Anxiety Coping Tool To Help Children

Posted on by Randi
anxiety coping tool

A Great Anxiety Coping Tool 

I got a DM from a woman saying that she loved my writing and asking if I was interested in hearing about a product. To be honest, I’ve turned down previous affiliate marketing offers in the past and was prepared to do it again. However, she caught my attention when she said that this was her daughter’s product and that it was a coping tool for anxiety. 

Now I know you may not know this, but I have a slight interest in advocating awareness about anxiety.

Okay, I see your mouths dropping; perhaps it is more than a slight interest. As an anxiety sufferer, and as a mother to a child who has bouts of anxiety, I feel awareness about it is crucial.

Therefore, I figured I had nothing to lose by getting some information about it. The truth is, she had me as soon as she said, “My then 10-year-old daughter has anxiety and wanted to help others.” My hesitation about affiliate marketing with a company went out the window as I heard about what this girl is trying to accomplish. Hook, line, sinker. I get to spread awareness about anxiety and promote a product to manage it, while supporting this amazing girl? That’s something I will proudly stand behind.

Without further ado, I am excited to introduce you all to SUNCards! 

SUNCards are a deck of cards developed by a girl named Eva. She started struggled with anxiety when she was 8 years old. When she was 10, Eva worked on a school project called Children Helping Our World. It tasked them to create a nonprofit that could be led by kids that would improve the world. Her parents encouraged her to think about her own life experiences to come up with an idea for the project. Her idea was to help other kids who are anxious and scared by teaching them tips and tricks to help them get through tough situations. That’s when SUNCards was born.

SUNCards uses evidence-based strategies like cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness, positive psychology, and random acts of kindness to help kids cope with their anxiety. Even though this product is directed towards children, adults will also be able to appreciate and use them as well. The cards say they are useful for anyone ages 4-104.

SUNCards is the 2020 NATIONAL parenting project award winner. Each deck comes with 50 cards. There is a lovable monster on each card, and the cards contain three different styles:

Sunshine Cards 

There are 20 total sunshine cards which have positive sayings and confidence building affirmations.

Action Cards 

There are 28 action cards which have helpful techniques to help kids manage their anxiety and/or refocus on something positive instead of their anxiety, worry or trouble.

Spread the Sunshine Cards 

There are two in each deck and are intended to help you with random acts of kindness.

How to use SUNCards

*IF YOU CLICK ON ANY OF THE PICTURES BELOW, IT WILL TAKE YOU TO THE LINK TO PURCHASE THE CARDS!

If you are feeling anxious, you select an Action Card and use the technique.

There are many different types of actions the cards tell you to take, such as “Relax and take 10 deep breaths. Deep breaths calm you down,” “Find distractions to take your mind off of your worry. Play a game, read a book, find a friend,” and “When things get overwhelming, take a moment for yourself. Put everything else aside and focus on what makes you happy,” among many others. You may find that multiple cards will be the way to relieve your anxiety. Also, depending on the circumstances, what works for you in one situation may not be what works best in another. 

affiliate marketing company action card

Select an action card and practice the technique. This will allow you to familiarize yourself with the cards and also help you to determine which cards will work best for you. In order to increase the effectiveness of the cards, it is suggested that you use these cards to practice coping skills when you are not feeling anxious. Learning new tools is a process of trial and error, and practicing will allow more awareness and capability to calm yourself.

Once you are calm, select a Sunshine Card to give yourself a boost of confidence for a job well done.

You can also use them any time you are feeling down and are seeking positive affirmations. Some of my favorite Sunshine Cards are: “Being scared is not a bad thing. It just means that you are about to do something super brave,” “Your anxiety doesn’t define you. Be the person you are meant to be and happiness will find you,” “If you fall back one day or your path gets blocked, you will not be stuck forever. Keep moving forward,“ and “It’s OK to not be OK. Just know that it will get better.” 

sunshine card

What truly warmed my heart is that Eva has partnered with a few non-profits and instituted a “get a deck, give a deck” program where for every deck purchased, another one is donated to a non-profit to help kids. In August of last year, she was able to donate over 1400 decks to non-profit organizations.

Not only are the cards useful for your children, but you can feel good knowing that by purchasing a deck you are allowing a child to receive a deck who couldn’t afford to have them otherwise. All children deserve tools and support to cope with anxiety, and Eva is helping that happen.

HOW I USED SUNCARDS WITH MY DAUGHTER

I used these cards with my daughter to see how they work firsthand. The other day she came to me scared and anxious that she lost costume jewelry I had given her. 

It had belonged to my grandmother, so she was very anxious that it was “gone forever”.

There are many techniques I normally use with her when my daughter is feeling anxious, but this time I pulled out the SUNCards. She selected several action cards and implemented the different techniques. In this particular situation, the technique that worked best for her was the action card to replace her thought with another thought, which helped change her feelings. The card looks like this:

change thoughts to feelings

When I asked her how she could change her way of thinking about losing the jewelry, she paused for a few moments, and then said, “It is somewhere in the house. It will turn up.” Once she changed her thoughts, she felt reassured and started smiling.

Best of all, she changed her perspective about it on her own.

That gave her a huge sense of accomplishment. We then did a breathing exercise suggested on another action card.

anxiety coping tool

When she felt better I had her select a Sunshine Card. She beamed when she read the one that said that nobody in the world is like her.  Instead of a snowball effect of worry and panic, these cards brought her empowerment and comfort.

affiliate marketing company positive affirmation

Although these cards and no techniques are a replacement for professional treatment, this deck is helpful for kids of all ages. They are small enough to be portable, so kids can take them with them and pull them out anytime. I like to think of them as a portable anxiety security blanket. They are easy to use, have great suggestions, and teach self-awareness and acceptance. I highly recommend them, and I think they are a useful anxiety coping tool no matter the level of anxiety.

If you would like to purchase a deck of cards, click on the picture below:

anxiety coping tool

I can’t wait for your kids to try this great anxiety coping tool for children and adults!

The 5 Lies We Tell Ourselves About Motherhood That We Shouldn’t Believe

Posted on by Randi
the lies we tell ourselves about motherhood

There are many false ideas and lies we tell ourselves about motherhood. Before I became a mother, I had this dream of what motherhood would entail. I imagined a well-behaved, perfectly mannered child. I had a husband who I never argued with. In turn, I was put-together, organized, cool as a cucumber under pressure, and never raised my voice. Basically, I thought we were going to become the Brady Bunch.

There are many harsh realities I faced as a mom. I had many idealized notions blow up in my face, and I had many misguided ideas of what I needed to be as a mother. I’m sharing the lies we often tell ourselves that prevent us from truly embracing motherhood.

It is our duty to be the perfect role model for our kids

role model

Raise your hand if you feel guilty when you don’t say or do the right thing. Okay, now ALL of us (myself especially) need to give ourselves a good whack on the head. It is a lie to tell ourselves that being a mother means always getting it right.  News flash- none of us are perfect. To expect that we are always going to set the right example for our kids is unrealistic at best. Truthfully, it is the reason why so many of us are wracked with guilt. We feel we are failing our kids when we make mistakes.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t have regrets. There are instances where I feel I raised my voice when I should have been patient, or I was too lenient and should have been firmer.  Some days I wasn’t fully present when asked a question, or I was too overly involved and didn’t give Brielle enough time to play independently and foster self-sufficiency. There are instances where I’ve lost my temper when I could have modeled emotional regulation, or Brielle saw me get frustrated instead of persevering.

I am emotional, I am anxious, I am frazzled, and I am completely and utterly imperfect.

However, isn’t that what being a good role model is truly about? Showing your kids that you are human and that all we can do is learn from our mistakes and keep striving to grow? Isn’t being a good mother showing your kids that imperfections are what make us lovable?

When I make mistakes, I apologize to my daughter. I show my daughter that it is important to take responsibility for our actions, but that we should not demand perfection from ourselves. Trying is what matters. In the instances where I start to fall back into my perfectionist tendencies, I tell Brielle that I need to remember that I’m not perfect. Being honest with our children about our mistakes allows them to feel comfortable with their own imperfections.

We can beat ourselves up for our mistakes, or we can be model self-compassion and self-love. That is how we are good role models for our kids. The truth is, being imperfect role models is what makes us good role models.

We are doomed to be bad parents if our parents weren’t good to us is another lie we tell ourselves about motherhood

I am the poster child for having a dysfunctional family. I had a mother who did terrible, unspeakable things to me. Her mother did terrible, unspeakable things to her. However, it is a lie to tell ourselves that we cannot be a good mother because of our parents.

It Is true that there is a cycle of abuse, and that those who abuse were often abused themselves. That said, you are not doomed to repeat the sins of your parents. If you are worried that you are going to be like your parents, that means you recognize that what was done to you wasn’t okay. If you have that awareness, you can implement change.

As I mentioned, my mother was abused and abused me. However, she refused to admit that her mother was abusive, and also refused to acknowledge that she was abusive. It is that refusal that enables the cycle to continue. How can you stop doing something wrong if you aren’t able to see that it is a problem?

If you know that terrible things were done to you, then you have the power to do better with your own children. If you are unwilling to turn a blind eye to what happened to you, then you are able to do the same thing with your children.

Awareness brings change. It brings understanding, acknowledgment, and healing. Use what happened to you as a reminder of what to never do with your kids.

Having terrible things done to you does not mean you will do them as well. It means you have the opportunity to do things better. I did it, and you can do it too.

You must always stay strong for your children

hiding your emotions

This lie we tell ourselves about motherhood is an especially hot button for me. I know there are many parents out there who will go into another room when they are sad, so their kids don’t see them cry. I know there are many parents who go out of their way to stay even-keeled at all times.

That’s not me. I don’t think it should be you either.

Here’s why- in our efforts to protect our kids from seeing us sad, mad, anxious, hurt, etc., we are inadvertently telling our kids that those emotions should be hidden. Negative emotions are inevitable, and hiding it from them sends the message that those feelings aren’t okay. It makes our children shy away from feelings, rather than making space for them. It tells our kids, in big, bold letter, that it is not okay to not be okay.

I am a firm believer that it is absolutely, positively, without a shadow of a doubt, okay to not be okay.

In fact, I encourage it. If we run away from our emotions, and we bury them, we will never learn to cope. That is why people land up turning to drugs, alcohol, and other unhealthy choices. If we don’t learn healthy coping mechanisms, we will turn to unhealthy ones. It’s like buying a car without ever learning to drive. How do you deal with life’s obstacles if you are never given the tools to handle them?

If your kids are sad, upset, frustrated, overwhelmed, please don’t tell them to be strong. Being strong IS having emotions. True strength is allowing yourself to feel without judgment, while figuring out how to deal with those feelings. Strength is not sucking it up and acting like you’re fine when you’re not. Being a robot isn’t being strong; it’s burying your feelings. Encourage your children to discuss their feelings with you.

Show them empathy and understanding.

Hold space for their feelings and learn to feel comfortable with them not being okay. Accept that your children are not always going to feel happy. It’s part of life.  That teaches them to become comfortable with their emotions instead of running from them. Let your kids see that you feel. Show them that moms get sad, mad, and worried too.

Be open about your feelings, but don’t discuss your adult problems with them. Rather, show them that you feel different emotions, and that it is okay for them to have them too. Showing your emotions also doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take time to yourself to process your feelings. You can absolutely tell your kids you feel overwhelmed and then go into another room to cry, scream into a pillow, etc. There’s a difference between that and pretending that you don’t have any negative feelings at all.

Above all, model healthy strategies to deal with your feelings, so they in turn can use those strategies too.

Whether it is writing in a journal, doing breathing exercises, reading a book, listening to music, or just having a safe person to talk to, show your kids how you handle not being okay. It is important to teach them that sometimes, despite all the strategies implemented, there is nothing that will make them feel better but time and acceptance. There are situations where problem solving can make you feel better, and others where there is no solution. Sometimes we just need a hug, support, and to know that people care.

There might be times when you or your child has difficulty regulating your emotions. If you explode into a fit of anger, or your child has a meltdown, acknowledge that there are healthier ways of handling our emotions. Discuss what should be done differently next time, and remind your child (and yourself) that learning better ways to handle emotions doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to feel emotions at all.

Showing your kids that you are human gives them permission to feel whatever they need to feel. It is a wonderful gift to show your children that ALL emotions are okay, while teaching them healthy ways to manage their emotions.

To be a parent, you are not able to have any issues of your own

Ha! Ha! If that was the case, I think many of us would still be childless (myself included). 

If you are in a bad place in your life and aren’t emotionally or psychologically in a position to properly provide and care for a child, that is one thing. However, to think you need to have yourself and your life completely figured out in order to be a good mom is horse rubbish. It is merely another lie we tell about motherhood.

We are all works in progress. Just as there is no perfect mom, there is no mom that has everything figured out. We all have problems, we all have struggles, and we all have baggage.

We can accept our issues and also strive to work on ourselves.

It is necessary to be honest with ourselves about our issues, while holding compassion for our struggles. Continuing along our healing journeys is what makes us good parents.

Truthfully, being a parent allowed me to grow and heal more than anything else. I want to do better and be better for my child, but I also know there is a fine line between growing and expecting to have everything figured out.  I will never have all my issues figured out.  With that said, I learn new things about myself all the time. That allows me to work on new areas and see areas where I’ve made progress.

Showing our kids that we don’t have all the answers is okay. Showing your kids that you are flawed is okay. We can have baggage and still love our kids with all of our hearts.  Being aware of our issues and trying our best is what makes us good parents.

The Amount of time you spend with them will determine whether Your children will feel loved 

Nope. Not true. Quality is so much more important than quantity.

Being intentional with your time is what matters the most. If you are around but are preoccupied, that doesn’t give your kids a warm and gooey feeling inside. They want to feel like they matter.

Life doesn’t allow us to always be fully present.  There are endless responsibilities, demands, and other things that require your attention as well. It’s okay to not always be available to your kids. Believing otherwise is a lie we tell about motherhood.

Instead, set aside a realistic amount of time to focus your attention on your child.  

Don’t sneak peaks at your phone. Don’t run a to-do list in your head. Be completely present.

We institute “fun time” in our house. That means that during that period, Brielle gets to pick whatever she wants to play with me, and I put all electronic devices away. She gets my undivided attention, and she knows that is something she can count on daily. I never take fun time away as a punishment. No matter how hectic our day is, she knows I will always set aside that quality time to spend with her.

Kids, like adults, want to feel like they are the priority. Whether you are a Stay-at-Home-Mom or a working mom, you can set aside time each day to be completely devoted to them. You can have limited time, but still make your child feel loved and valued.

 

I don't need you to be perfect

Don’t buy into the lies we tell ourselves about motherhood. Your kids don’t need a perfect parent. They need a mother who is real. A mother who no matter the number of imperfections and flaws, tries and keeps on trying. They need someone who will guide them and support them. Our children need a mom who is always in their corner, cheering them on.  Loving our children is what our children need most. That is the biggest truth about motherhood, and it is one that we should always remember.

I Am a Mother Who Is Exhausted but Cannot Sleep

Posted on by Randi
I am a mother who is exhausted

I am a mother who is exhausted.

It is 3 am, yet I do not sleep.

My exhaustion has seeped into every pore, into every muscle, into every fiber of my being.

Yet I cannot sleep.

There are too many thoughts running through my mind.

No matter how much my body shuts down, my mind cannot shut down with it.

So I stay up. My thoughts wander as I stay awake.

I think about the look on my daughter’s face when I scolded her.

I think about the endless things I need to do.

It feels like no matter how much I try to accomplish, there is always something else.

I think about all of the ways I should have done better, could have done better.

Although I am exhausted, I cannot sleep.

Instead, I run the to-do list through my head.

Did I pay all the bills?

The backyard is a disaster.

When is the dishwasher repair man coming again?

Did I read enough books to my daughter today?

I cleaned the house, so why does it still look like a mess?

Was she dressed warmly enough when I let her play outside?

The biggest question that pokes at my brain and my heart- does my daughter know how much I love her?

With all the responsibilities, all the stress, all the juggling, does she know that being her mom is what is most important?

I tell her, but does she understand when she herself is too young to understand all of life’s pressures?

Does she understand that I try to give so much, but there is only one of me to give?

I am a mother who is exhausted.

Exhausted from caring. From trying. From putting one foot in front of the other when I can’t see clearly where I’m trying to go anymore.

I am a mother who is exhausted. Yet I cannot sleep.

Instead, I tiptoe into my daughter’s room, and I watch her sleep.

I watch her sleep, and I pray she knows how deeply and completely she is loved.

As I watch her, I remember that every struggle is worth it because of that little girl sleeping peacefully.

I will always worry, I will always have concerns, and I will always fear that I’m doing it all wrong.

I will always be exhausted.

That’s because I’m a mother.

Motherhood is Messy: Embracing the Chaotic Life of Raising a Child

Posted on by Randi
motherhood is messy

Motherhood is messy

Let’s be honest. Motherhood is messy. 

You know those images of perfectly dressed families, not a hair out of place, smiling their pearly whites? I often stare at those images while in my oversized sweatshirt, stretchy pants, (Jeans? What are those?) and hair thrown into a ponytail.

Motherhood is often those moments where you look around in disbelief and wonder WTF?! Those times happen so much more than the magazine worthy moments. They are hectic and test your sanity. These moments are unfiltered, may involve some sort of bodily fluid, and are REAL. Those are the moments where I think back and snicker (sometimes). Those series of moments define what it is to be a parent. Indeed, motherhood is messy.

So here are some of the cringeworthy moments I’ve experienced during the messiness of motherhood. Some will make you laugh, some will make you shake your head, and some may make you turn green. I know you’ve had some of these moments too.

MOTHERHOOD IS MESSY, ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE A POOP SMEARING TODDLER

poop toddler

When Brielle was 20 months old, I put her inside of her crib to take a nap. She was on a regular naptime schedule, so I had a good idea of when she would wake up. About an hour and a half later, I expected her to be awake. To my surprise, she was silent. I normally check the monitor when I hear her, but I felt there was no need to in this case. I was being given a gift of alone time, and I was going to take it.

A half hour later, I started to worry. I decided to take a peek at the monitor. Brielle was quietly playing in her crib. Her back was to me, but she seemed content. She wasn’t a baby who kept herself occupied, so again I decided to seize the opportunity and let her be.

Another half hour later I started to get a feeling in the pit of my stomach. An hour of sitting in the crib without a peep? Who had taken my child and replaced her with this imposter baby?

I slowly tiptoed into the room, opened the door, and saw a sight that will forever be etched into the deep recesses of my mind.

My daughter had taken off her soiled diaper, and she was using her feces as finger paint. 

THERE WAS POOP. SO MUCH POOP.

It was all over her frontside (so with her back facing me I had no idea the horror show that was going on), all over her hands, all over the backside of the crib, and all over the wall where the crib lay. Additionally, it was on the sheets, on her legs, in-between her toes, it was on her nose. It was like an Edger Allen Poe scene, baby edition.

Let’s not even discuss the smell. Oh, the smell.

I wasn’t sure whether to gag, faint, cover my eyes, or run out of the room and pretend I hadn’t just seen what I’d saw. How could I possibly clean this up? Was there a haz-mat company that could take care of this for me?

I don’t know how I cleaned it all up, cleaned her up, and managed to stay sane. I honestly think I blacked out during the cleanup process, as I can’t actually recall cleaning. My husband was at work during the time, and I’m sure it was one of the many times he thanked his lucky stars that he didn’t work from home.

My husband came home to a clean room, a clean child, and a completely frazzled wife. I learned a very valuable lesson that day. Always check on my child. Always.

the messiness of motherhood: my daughter’s drug DEAL encounter

I mentioned this story during my discussion about Tricky People, but it was too cringeworthy not to share again.

I took my daughter to a nearby park with my husband and in-laws one Saturday afternoon. My 3-year-old daughter was running around the park and enjoying herself. In the distance, there were a few nicely dressed men having a conversation. It seemed a bit odd to me that they were so well dressed at a park, but I wasn’t going to judge them for being fashion friendly.

I turned my back for a moment (it’s always during those moments when something happens, unfortunately), and turned back to see my daughter standing in-between the men. Although I couldn’t hear what she was saying, they seemed to find her comical as they were laughing and smiling. I quickly came over, ushered her away, and apologized for the interruption.

My husband later told me that he witnessed those men doing a drug deal. It was bad enough that my daughter didn’t understand the importance of not going over to strangers.  Apparently, she was also now interacting with our friendly neighborhood drug dealers.

why road rage is bad

road rage  

I hate driving. Therefore, I avoid highways. For some reason drivers on the highway look down upon cars that stop in the middle to figure out where they need to go. I have anxiety towards driving in general, so I will follow the same route and not veer from it even if there is traffic.  

I encountered some major traffic one evening when I was taking Brielle home from dance. There was some sort of construction taking place, and a crane was occupying part of the lane. My car was slightly over the double yellow line due to the lineup of cars and the interfering crane. Cars were going by in the opposite direction without a problem, while my car wasn’t budging.

All of a sudden, a woman driving a very nice SUV stopped her car. I don’t know why my car upset her so much. Maybe she had a bad day. Perhaps her nice SUV had a smudge on it. Maybe she had to use the bathroom. Whatever the reason, she stopped her car, looked at me and yelled, “F*** YOU!”

She was LOUD. Do you realize how loud was for me to hear her with her windows and mine rolled up? We’re talking levels of loudness that I didn’t think were humanly possible. 

Normally I don’t curse. However, this woman made me see red. Who did she think she was to stop her car and scream at me like that? I wasn’t in her way, and even if I was, what kind of crazy person reacts like that?

Therefore, I did what any classy woman would do in response. I screamed right back at her, “No, F*** You!”  She glared at me and drove off.

That was when I remembered I had my daughter in the backseat of the car. Not only had she heard that woman curse me out, worse, she heard me talk like that too.

I wanted to crawl inside a hole and never come out. I was about to turn around and explain how I shouldn’t have reacted like that when my daughter burst into hysterical laughter. That’s right, folks. My daughter thought me screaming like a crazy person was the funniest thing she’d ever seen.

She never asked me what those words meant, and she never used them. We did later talk about anger and healthy vs. unhealthy ways of expressing anger, but that was the extent of it. My foul language escaped her, and I considered taking a course in road rage. 

Running Errands with my daughter threatened my sanity

shipping with a child You cannot take Brielle on any errands. Due to her ADHD and SPD, she likes to touch every item in the store, possibly throw items in the cart, sit on items that are not chairs (my favorite is when she tried to sit on a stack of boxes of La Croix, and she knocked one of the boxes over). She also likes to run up and down the aisles and play hide and seek (meaning she runs away and I panic and find her). Truthfully, I have considered using a tether, but it seems people frown upon using those with an 8-year-old. Motherhood is messy business sometimes, but you do what you need to survive.

One time I took Brielle with me to CVS. I only had to pick up a few items. I would never dream of taking her somewhere that involved a lengthy trip. The plan was simple- I was going to grab the three items, let Brielle hand the cashier the CVS club card, and get back into the car. Easy, right?

Not so much. I always go over the rules with Brielle in advance, but she seemed to forget them as soon as we got inside. She tried to pull away my hand as I held it. I reminded her we had to hold hands, and I asked her to help me find the vitamin pills.

Brielle did not want any part of this. She instead started screaming, “Mommy, you’re hurting me!”

Other customers started staring. I knelt down to her level and told her that could not say stuff like that in the store, as people would think I was actually trying to hurt her.

I asked her to please cooperate and we could play a game to see who can spot the vitamins first. As soon as we started walking, she again started screaming. This time, she yelled that I was breaking her hand.

It was at this point that I realized that no vitamins were worth me having to explain to security or possibly Child Protective Services that I was not injuring my daughter. I immediately walked out of the store with her. We had a long talk when we got home about why she couldn’t say things like that.

Remember how I said I look back at these stories and often chuckle? This is the exception to the rule. I will always turn a shade whiter whenever I think back to that experience. 

my daughter has no filter

Brielle likes to talk. She will talk to anyone who will listen. Truthfully, she’ll talk even if they aren’t listening. She is not a person that would ever be able to take a vow of silence.

It is a challenge to have a child that talks from the moment she wakes up. I try explaining that Mommy needs her cup of coffee first, but she doesn’t comply.

This especially becomes a problem when we have work done on the house. People come to give a quote or to fix something, and they also have the bonus of having my daughter go over to them to chat. By chat, I mean say completely inappropriate things that force me to hire them and/or recommend them out of sheer embarrassment.

Some of the most embarrassing moments have included:

  • My daughter telling the plumber that his pants were falling off.
  • Asking one of the construction workers why his skin was wrinkly.
  • Telling the realtor that she looked like a woman, yet sounded like a man.

What I now tend to do is play with Brielle in a separate area of the house when workers come over. They get their work done more efficiently, and I don’t have any more nightmares.

Zoom meetings are boring, unless I’m crashing them!

motherhood is messy crashing a zoom meeting

My husband has several zoom meetings a day, and my daughter also attends zoom meetings for religious learning. She was told that remote learning is the same as in-person learning, except you are at home. She understands she has a teacher, and teachers are to be respected. At least I thought she understood.

Brielle has issues focusing, so I knew that it would be a challenge to get her to pay attention via online learning. I had a talk with her about the importance of listening, and I told the teacher to let me know if there were any problems.

I put Brielle in her room where there were no distractions, and I could keep an ear out. No other parents were present during the class, and I wanted to afford her the same privacy. For the first few weeks everything went well. That is, until Brielle discovered the camera button on zoom.

I got an email from her teacher notifying me that Brielle was turning off her camera during class. She was also using the chat box to start conversations with kids during learning.

I put a stop to that, but my daughter found something more exciting. She started leaving the room during her online class. She would sneak into my husband’s office when he was having his own zoom meetings. On more than one occasion, a co-worker would start waving, and my husband would turn to see my daughter standing behind him smiling. 

Since then, I have moved my daughter downstairs where I can keep a close eye on her at all times. She knows I’ve got my eyes on her, and more importantly, my husband knows my daughter’s eyes are not on his co-workers. 

motherhood is messy: uh oh, my daughter found the condoms

Brielle doesn’t know the meaning of privacy. Just as every person who enters our home is a new friend. Every item in our house is an item that she must examine. 

One day I left Brielle in my bedroom when I went to use the bathroom. When I came out, I saw Brielle was rummaging through my husband’s nightstand. She then held up a box of condoms and asked me what it was, while trying to read the information on the back of the box.  I understand that motherhood is messy, but this was just downright embarrassing.

I grabbed the box from her, closed the nightstand, and told her that those were for grownups. We had one of our infamous talks (do you see a theme?) and I learned to never, ever leave her alone in my bedroom. I also reconsidered baby-proofing again.

motherhood is messy, but i wouldn’t have it any other way

Life with my daughter is never dull. It requires patience that I never knew I had, and it tests me daily. Motherhood is messy, chaotic, and unpredictable. There are many, many times when I am frazzled, overwhelmed, and possibly on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Motherhood is a great representation of life. It is challenging, frustrating, and full of hurdles and roadblocks. It also is filled with beauty, humor, and countless memories. As a result, I try to embrace the chaos, find the humor in the moment, and cherish the little things that bring me joy. I now brace myself for the bumps, enjoy the peaks, and remember that motherhood is messy, but it is the ride of my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Anxiety Disorders in Children and Adults and Their Possible Causes

Posted on by Randi
causes of anxiety

Anxiety is a topic that needs more awareness and understanding. There are currently 40 million adults and 4.4 million children who have anxiety disorders (cdc.gov, 2020). I discuss the definition of anxiety and its various symptoms here.  This article will focus on the causes of anxiety and different anxiety disorders in children and adults.

WHAT CAUSES ANXIETY?

causes of anxiety

It is important to understand that people experience anxiety at various times throughout their lives. However, anxiety becomes problematic when it interferes with a person’s ability to function.

(1) Genetics

There is a genetic factor to anxiety. Just as a person may have a history of cancer in the family, it is possible to inherit anxiety as well.

(2) Learned Anxiety

Children can pick up on the behaviors and feelings of other people. As a result, they may inherit those feelings. For example, if a parent is afraid of dogs and reacts anxiously whenever a dog is present, the child may start feeling anxiety around dogs as well. “Children can pick up anxious behaviors from being around anxious people” (nhs.uk).

(3) Pressure

If a child feels constant pressure to perform a certain way in school or sports, they may develop anxiety. Similarly, if an adult feels constant pressure (e.g., at work or financial), this can trigger anxiety.

(4) School related issues

Bullying and a lack of friends in school may result in anxiety.

(5) Loss

This includes the death of a loved one (person or animal), as well as divorce

(6) Unstable environment

Examples include constant fighting in the home, lack of consistency due to frequent moving, and/or frequently changing schools

(7) Abuse/trauma

This includes neglect, abuse, and/or witnessing or involvement in a traumatic event.

(8) Health

Having a serious illness or injury in an accident can cause anxiety.

(9) Comorbid conditions

“If a child has ADHD and/or autism, they are more likely to have problems with anxiety” (nhs.uk). The misuse or withdrawal from drugs or alcohol may also cause or increase anxiety. Additionally, “people with other mental health disorders, such as depression, often also have an anxiety disorder” (Mayo Clinic, 2018).

(10) Unknown

There are simply some people whose personality makes it more likely that they will develop an anxiety disorder. For instance, some people have a higher tolerance to stress. On the contrary, others are more prone to anxiety.

TYPES OF ANXIETY DISORDERS IN CHILDREN AND ADULTS

anxiety disorders in children and adults

There are various anxiety disorders in children and adults.  Additionally, each disorder has different characteristics. This information should give you a fuller understanding of anxiety.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

When someone talks about having chronic anxiety, this is what they are typically referring to. For instance, children and adults with GAD experience anxiety about a variety of things (e.g., performance in tasks, relationships with others, and daily life situations). As a result, it is anxiety “that is nearly constant and disproportionate to its causes” (additutdemag, 2018).

Social Anxiety Disorder/Social Phobia

Intense fear about social situations is the hallmark of social anxiety. This includes avoiding social situations, worrying about an upcoming event, not participating in events, difficulty making friends, and avoiding or extreme discomfort when having conversations. It is important to note “some people might exhibit symptoms in only one type of situation, whereas others might experience multiple symptoms in various social situations” (additudemag.com, 2018).

Panic Disorder

Those with this disorder experience panic attacks and extreme terror that comes about unexpectedly. It is characterized by chest pain, a rapid heartbeat, feeling faint, and dizziness.  A child is diagnosed with panic disorder “if your child suffers at least two unexpected panic or anxiety attacks-which means they come on suddenly and for no reason- followed by at least one month of concern over having another attack, losing control, or ‘going crazy’” (adaa.org, 2015).

Separation Anxiety Disorder

It is part of typical development to feel anxiety when separating from a caregiver between the ages of 18 months-3 years. Additionally, children often feel anxious separating from a caregiver when getting dropped off at a new school or environment.  Separation anxiety disorder mostly presents in children between the ages of 7-9. It is characterized by intense and excessive anxiety about being away from home and/or being separated from a parent or caregiver. This can include anxiety that something is going to happen to their loved one while they are away.  

Selective Mutism

This anxiety disorder is associated with a consistent failure to speak in certain social situations. A person with this disorder will freeze around particular people or events, but will speak freely when not triggered.  “It usually starts in adulthood, and if left untreated, can persist into adulthood. A child or adult with selective mutism does not refuse or choose not to speak at certain times, they’re literally unable to speak” (nhs.uk, 2019).

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

An anxiety disorder that involves constant thoughts, actions, or impulses that are in intrusive.  As a result, there is a need to perform certain rituals or routines to ease their anxiety. 

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

An extreme fear or anxiety after a traumatic or life-threatening event. Symptoms of PTSD include flashbacks, being hyperalert/hypervigilant, and avoiding situations that are similar/reminders of the event.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)

Although this is not an anxiety disorder recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), it is closely related to PTSD.  C-PTSD is a result of prolonged or repeated trauma, and it includes the symptoms of PTSD.  As a person who has C-PTSD and chronic anxiety as a result, I feel it is important to include this. I will address C-PTSD and its complexities in a future article.

Specific Phobia

An intense fear of a specific object, thing, or place. Examples include a fear of spiders, heights, or the dark.  A person with a specific phobia tends to avoid the source of their anxiety. “Unlike adults, they [children] do not usually recognize that their fear is irrational” (adaa.org).

When to Get Professional Help

when to get professional help

It is important to see a doctor if you or your child have anxiety that is interfering with any aspect of your life. Additionally, seek professional help if there are any other mental health or physical concerns. It is important to understand that anxiety can worsen without proper treatment.  Please do not assume that things will get better on their own. Being proactive is the best thing you can do for yourself or your child.

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