As a parent, it is my responsibility to teach my daughter. However, I have a confession. My daughter has taught me more than I could ever teach her. Even as I homeschool her, the lessons I learn from her far surpass the ones I instill in her. I never expected to learn so much about myself from my child, but I have. There are too many to list, but here are some of the lessons I have learned from my daughter:

(1) Laughter is the best medicine

Being a grown up is filled with responsibility. With all of life’s obligations, it is easy to forget about the magic of laughing. My daughter taught me that there is no more beautiful sound than the sound of your child’s laughter. The lesson I learned from my daughter is the importance of taking the time to laugh daily. In truth, I have never laughed more than when I am around Brielle, and it has done wonders for my well-being.

(2) It is okay to make mistakes

I grew up feeling that making mistakes was a sign of failure. Once I became a parent, all dreams of perfection went out the window. I make mistakes as a parent all the time. My daughter has taught me that it is okay to make mistakes. When she makes mistakes, she doesn’t judge herself. She has never felt that her mistakes make her any less lovable or less worthy. I learned the important lesson that mistakes are part of life, and that all we can do is learn and grow from them.

Learning that it was okay to make mistakes as a mom was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I realize that being a perfect mom is impossible, and that is okay. My daughter shows me daily that she doesn’t want or need a perfect mom. She wants a mom that loves her, supports her, and will be there for her.

(3) I learned the true meaning of unconditional love

My daughter taught me that the love between a parent and a child is unconditional. There is nothing Brielle could ever say or do that would change the love I have for her, and she accepts and loves me just as I am. Of all the lessons I have learned from my daughter, I think this one is the most important.

I struggle with anxiety, and there are many times when I wish I said or did things differently. I lose my temper, and I don’t always model the things I expect of her. She has seen me at my best and at my worst, but she still tells me I am the best mommy in the world. She loves with all of her heart and without any expectations in return. Having that kind of love in my life is the greatest gift I have ever received.

(4) You can’t prepare for everything

This is a lesson that my daughter teaches me time and time again. As someone who feels anxious, I try to prepare myself as much as possible for upcoming events. However, my daughter taught me that nothing I imagined could prepare me for being a mother. I can read every book (which I have) and still something will come up that is unexpected. Children are unpredictable and you cannot prepare for what they will throw your way. My daughter has taught me that life cannot be planned, and sometimes all you can do is go with the flow.

(5) Enjoying the present time

I was always on the go, juggling responsibilities and trying to be everything to everyone. That went out the window when I had my daughter. Children live in the moment. They embrace the here and now, and they give their full attention to the things they love. My daughter taught me the importance of slowing down and taking time to just be. When I play with her, all of my concerns about my to-do list go out the window. Playing with her, snuggling, and making forts with her are some of my happiest times because I am embracing the moment.

(6) You can learn to love yourself by loving someone else first

Although I feel it is great if you love yourself before you enter a relationship, my daughter taught me that that isn’t necessary. I was very much lacking in the self-love department when I became a mom. However, becoming a mom made me want to be better for my daughter and for myself. I wanted to be a good role model for my daughter, and her love helped me to learn to love myself.

(7) The best moments and things in life are the simple ones

Forget about fancy trips or materialistic things. My daughter finds happiness in the little things. She will squeal with excitement about a candy bar, a beautiful bird, and flowers. The lesson I learned from my daughter is that the small things are what matter. Brielle’s homemade cards and her hugging me with all of her might are priceless. I try to enjoy the simple moments because those are the ones I will look back and remember most. The little moments with my daughter like lying in the grass and telling each other jokes are the ones that ultimately add up to be the biggest.

(8) Accept yourself as you are

My daughter is who she is without apology. She has ADHD and struggles with impulse control and focusing academically. Brielle has never complained about why she has these struggles. She has never felt badly about herself for having ADHD.

I vividly remember her telling me, “I have ADHD. So what? I’m still me.” MIND BLOWN. I spent most of my life feeling badly about myself because of my anxiety that can be debilitating. I allowed labels to define me and make me feel shame and unworthy. I learned from my daughter that labels mean nothing. They do not define you. Who you are as a person is what matters. My daughter is a wonderful example of accepting yourself.

(9) In a world where you can be anyone, be yourself

Brielle is herself unapologetically. She will wear clothes that clash, are too small, or are loud. She will wear a dress when we are at home because she feels like it. She will dance awkwardly, sing terribly, and laugh loudly at her own jokes. She is shy at time when she initially meets people, but once she feels comfortable, she holds nothing back. My daughter doesn’t feel embarrassed or feel the need to act differently to fit in with others. She is not self-conscious and doesn’t worry about how she looks or what others think. Her authenticity is a daily life lesson to me to be true to myself.  

(10) It is okay to not always be okay

I discuss this a lot, and I credit my daughter for teaching me this lesson. Brielle will let me know if she is upset, sad, mad, frustrated, etc. As a toddler, her temper tantrums were her way of expressing her big feelings. She helped me realize that feelings aren’t something to run away from, rather, they deserve our attention. I learned to inquire about her emotions and teach her the importance of learning healthy coping mechanisms. Through this process, I learned to give myself more grace about my emotions.

(11) Being brave is having fear and doing it anyway

My daughter has fears. She hates thunder and used to be afraid of the dark. She doesn’t feel shame or guilt for having fears. She has taught me that feeling afraid is okay. However, I have seen her take a deep breath and do things that scare her. I learned that being brave isn’t being fearless. It is facing your fears despite having them. My daughter has taught me the true meaning of bravery, and it has helped me to accept my fears while trying to face them.

(12) The power of forgiveness and not holding grudges

My daughter will get angry at a person. Really angry. However, she never holds onto that anger. She will address her feelings and speak her mind, but then it is over. She won’t bring up things that happened in the past because she is too busy focusing on the present. She teaches me to leave what happened in the past in the past. Assuming you are not in a toxic relationship and you set healthy boundaries, forgiveness is a powerful thing. Holding onto anger only hurts ourselves.

(13) There is always happiness, if you are willing to look for it

It is easy to get caught up in your own problems and forget that there is so much beauty. Our perspective shapes the way we view the world, and my daughter sees the world with a lens of happiness and excitement. Toys on the floor, paint on the table, and a dirty bike are indications of different things that brought my daughter joy. She finds happiness in everything she does– petting our cat, eating her favorite foods, and writing to her pen pal. It is easy to feel overwhelmed by all the things that need to be done or all the struggles we face. Brielle has taught me that even in our darkest moments of life there is still light.

(14) Motherhood is messy, hectic, unpredictable, chaotic, and absolutely beautiful, all rolled into one

I have learned that there is never a dull moment once you become a parent. It will challenge you in ways you didn’t know were possible, but it will also change you in the best ways possible. My daughter has caused me sleepless nights while also causing me all-consuming joy.

The truth is, I have grown and healed immensely because of Brielle. I am a better version of myself because of her. She inspires and motivates me daily. Although I teach my daughter, I am so grateful to have my daughter as my teacher as well. I will always carry the lessons I learned from my daughter near and dear to my heart.

As I discussed in my last post, positive parenting stresses the importance of children understanding parents’ expectations and rules. This is done so kids develop good morals and values. When children misbehave, parents are encouraged to have empathy and find the cause of the misbehavior. The focus of this post is how to implement positive parenting strategies and tips.

Positive Parenting Overview

Positive parenting focuses on children learning the importance of appropriate behavior. Parents and children show one another respect, and there is open communication. When speaking with children, it is important to use positive language and positive reinforcement.

Expectations should be age and developmentally appropriate. They should also be given in advance to prepare children for upcoming situations and set them up for success. When possible, children are given the opportunity to learn from their mistakes through natural consequences. Discipline in the form of logical consequences needs to be reasonable, related to the action, and respectful.  Consequences also need to be consistent. As opposed to yelling, parents should speak firmly and clearly. To get more detailed information about positive parenting click here. 

10 POSITIVE PARENTING STRATEGIES AND TIPS

(1) Model appropriate behavior

Our kids look to us to see right from wrong and appropriate versus inappropriate behavior. We cannot expect our children to follow the rules and emotionally regulate if we aren’t displaying healthy behavior. Therefore, it is important to model:

• Healthy coping strategies
• It is okay to not always be okay
• We need time to ourselves to calm down
• Implementing a self-care routine
• Apologizing and acknowledging mistakes
• Setting boundaries in all of our relationships
• Treating others and ourselves with respect and kindness
• Talking about our feelings
• Emotional regulation tools

Understand that kids deserve empathy too- Just as we will have bad days and bad moods, so will kids. If your child is struggling, allow them to express their feelings. Give them an opportunity to explain why they are acting out, or if they are young, try to help them through their outburst. Young kids don’t have the ability to communicate and so they get overwhelmed and frustrated. It is important to help our children to deal with their emotions rather than rush to consequences. Encourage them to come to you and to identify their emotions using “I feel_________.”

There are times when your kid will have to ride out their feelings (just like adults), but other times there are strategies (example- breathing exercises, drawing a picture) that can be used to deal with their emotions in a healthy way. There also should be designated areas that your child can go to if he just wants to scream or cry or process feelings alone (parentingforbrain.com, 2020)

(2) Stay calm

I know this positive parenting tip is a very difficult one for many of us, myself included. However, I know from personal experience that if I begin a conversation with my husband or my child when my emotions are already elevated, it will inevitably turn into a very heated discussion/argument.

If your child has acted out and everyone is feeling upset, it is best for everyone to get some space and decompress individually. Your child should be told to go to a space that is designated to process feelings and help to calm down. Instead of a time-out being seen as a punishment, it should be used as an opportunity to take a break and come back together with a calmer headspace. Your child will be more receptive to having a conversation when given this time.

My daughter has a beanbag chair in her room with other toys that help her to emotionally regulate (a squeeze ball, a toy that you blow air into, a weighted blanket). She is asked to go to her “calming corner” as opposed to me calling it a time-out.

There are times when a time-in is necessary. If I see my daughter is upset and needs help to process her feelings, I may ask to take a break first so I’m in a better position to listen to her calmly. Once I’m calmer, I’m more equipped to help her through her feelings and process what is bothering her (parents.com, 2018).

It is important to understand that being calmer doesn’t mean that people don’t still feel emotions. I can be calmer but still feel angry or hurt. However, giving ourselves an opportunity to process our own emotions first before speaking with another is always a good rule of thumb.

Depending on the expectations set in advance and the cause of the behavior, consequences may be given. However, it is important to give your child the opportunity to calm down first and process his/her feelings.

(3) Prioritize connection with your child

Children do not need materialistic things to feel loved. They need time with YOU. We all have busy lives and are juggling endless responsibilities, and I know it feels like we are being pulled in a million directions all the time. However, even 15 minutes of quality time with your child a day does wonders for their well-being. When your children feel that they are getting attention and that your time with them matters, it strengthens your bond with your child. This in turn helps them to feel loved and safe, and to feel that they can come to you with their feelings.

I have mentioned in prior articles that I implement what I call “fun-time” with my daughter. For a minimum of 15 minutes a day, I play with daughter without my phone or any other distractions. She has my undivided attention. Furthermore, she gets to choose the activity to ensure that it is something that she will truly enjoy. She looks forward to this time together and knows that no matter what is going on, it is something she can count on daily. Quality time should never be taken away as a form of discipline.

Positive parenting is about teaching and helping our children to learn and grow, but part of parenting is having fun with our kids. Attention should be given emotionally as well as physically and verbally. Tell your child often that you love them. Give hugs and kisses, but be respectful if they are not as affectionate and follow their lead. Laughing and playing with our children is important for their development and it is a beautiful part of parenting.

(4) Allow kids to make decisions

Children from a very young age try asserting their independence. It is important to give them opportunities to have input or make a choice. Would they like an apple or an orange for a snack? Would they like to wear the boots or sneakers? What book would they like to read? The more opportunities kids have to voice their opinion, the more empowered they feel. This lessens the likelihood of power struggles. Additionally, it helps foster independence, self-sufficiency, and self-confidence.

(5) Pick your battles

A positive parenting strategy is focusing on all the ways your child behaves instead of their negative behaviors. When it is possible to ignore a negative behavior, do so. That doesn’t mean to turn a blind eye to behavior that is unacceptable. Rather, ask yourself if it is a big problem or a small one. Sometimes ignoring unwanted behavior will get a child to stop doing it rather than giving them attention for it. If it is necessary to point something out, try to keep the feedback to a minimum. Save the more lengthy acknowledgments for positive behavior. Kids want attention and will act out to get a reaction, as a negative reaction is better to them than no reaction at all. If you react more to the positives and less/as little as possible to the negatives, they are more likely to behave in a positive way (ptaourchildren.org, 2019).

(6) Encourage kids to be self-sufficient and figure things out for themselves

As much as it hurts us to see our children struggle, there are times when we have to take a step back and let them work through their own problems. Teaching self-sufficiency is a crucial component of positive parenting.

For example, my daughter lost her shoes a week ago. I often help her find her stuff because she tends to misplace her things regularly due to her difficulty with focusing. However, I realized I am doing her a disservice by not allowing her to look for her own stuff. I told her that she is capable of finding her shoes. When she started to get frustrated, I suggested she retrace her steps and kept encouraging her to look for them. She eventually found her shoes, and the look of accomplishment on her face when she found them was priceless.

If your child is struggling to do a math problem or to tie his own shoe, give them an opportunity to do it themselves. Don’t rush to step in and help. Even if your child doesn’t figure it out, they will learn the importance of trying to do things themselves. It also teaches a valuable lesson that we aren’t perfect and that trying is what matters.

(7) Find opportunities to say yes

There are times when there needs to be a hard “no,” and I am by no means encouraging indulging our children’s every wants and requests. However, when possible, try to say “yes” instead of “no.” This encourages children to respect and honor our boundaries when we save our “no” for the important matters. If your child asks for something that can’t be done at the present time, offer an alternative or redirection. For example, “I would love to go to the park! Would you like to go tomorrow or on Thursday?” or, “That looks like a really cool toy. Let’s add it to your wish list!” If we say no to everything, it loses its meaning and importance.

(8) Give warnings

We want to set our kids up for success and increase appropriate behavior. Therefore, try to give warnings to allow kids to be prepared and to help with transitions. Before my daughter has to leave somewhere, I try to give her a fifteen, five, and then two-minute warning. My daughter has difficult with directions and time management, so giving numerous warnings is helpful for her. The amount of warnings you give will vary based on the age and/or development of the child.

(9) Have patience

Positive parenting strategies and tips don’t result in changes overnight. When we aren’t using a more forceful means of parenting our child, our child may not cooperate at first. We need to understand that behavioral changes will not take place overnight. It is an adjustment for both parent and child, and parents need to give themselves compassion and understand we might feel more emotionally charged at first using this type of method. Having patience for ourselves and our children will help to make this type of parenting change.

(10) Be open to what your child is saying

Rules are meant to help our children and keep them safe, but with positive parenting, it is important to allow our child to have input. There are times when things are non-negotiable, but children should be allowed to offer their perspective. This gives them a voice and makes them feel like their opinions matter. There are times when my daughter has made a valid point and I’ve changed my mind. Other times I listen to her, but kindly and firmly tell her that my decision stands. Encouraging our children to state their opinion and speak up for themselves does not mean parents should allow children to dictate or be argumentative. However, the goal of positive parenting is for kids to understand why parents are setting rules and expectations so they can learn for themselves how to make proper choices.

Implementing positive parenting strategies and tips is not easy.  Quite the opposite. Positive parenting takes a lot of patience, understanding, and open communication. However, the benefits of positive parenting are instrumental. Our biggest responsibility as parents is to raise our children to be well-adjusted, kind, self-sufficient individuals. Positive parenting encourages parents to model healthy coping mechanisms and prioritize their own well-being, allowing both parents and children to thrive.

Not all children are the same, and what works for one child may not work for another. Even if all aspects of positive parenting aren’t best for your child, you can select which positive parenting strategies and tips work best with your parenting style. Tailor your parenting to your child, and remember that parenting is fluid. Learning different parenting styles and strategies help you make informed choices, and that is essential for parenting.

I vividly remember how I felt when I first saw my daughter. The love I felt for her was all-consuming. I knew I wanted to be a good mom, but I wasn’t sure how I was going to go about doing that. Every child is different, and therefore each child needs to be parented differently. This post will explain the different parenting styles and provide a guide to positive parenting.

The Four Types of Parenting Styles

In 1966 the developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind came up with four types of parenting styles. These styles explain how a parent interacts and disciplines their child. It is important to keep in mind that parenting is never clear cut. Elements form multiple styles of parenting may be used, or different styles might be used as different times throughout a child’s life (verywellmind.com, 2020).

1- Authoritarian parenting

There are high expectations and low amounts of nurturing with this parenting type. Parents use their authority to set rules and expectations, and do not allow questions or input from their children about these rules. As a result, the communication is usually from parent to child. They expect obedience and typically use yelling, spanking, and shaming to discipline their children. Punishments are used to deal with negative or unwanted behavior.

2-Permissive Parenting

This parenting style is the opposite of authoritarian parenting. There are low expectations and high amounts of nurturing. The relationship between parent and child more resembles a friendship than a parent and child relationship. Children are given complete freedom to make their own choices as there are no limits or boundaries. Parents give love and affection and communicate with their children, but there is a lack of guidance or rules.

3- Uninvolved/Neglectful Parenting

Low expectations and low nurturing characterize this type of parenting style. There is limited communication and parents are uninvolved in the child’s development and choices. Parents primarily ignore the child’s behavior and use no means of discipline.

4- Authoritative Parenting

There are high expectations and high levels of nurturing. Parents have open communication with their children and encourage verbal discourse. There are clear rules and expectations, and children’s feelings and well-being are prioritized.  Parents provide a warm, loving environment. Discipline is provided, while explaining the importance of rules and their consequences.

GUIDE TO Positive Parenting

Positive parenting falls under the umbrella of authoritative parenting.  The goal of positive parenting is to teach appropriate behavior rather than focus on negative behavior. The priority is placed on open communication so that children develop a good internal moral compass. As opposed to blindly following rules, kids are encouraged to understand the reasons behind these rules.

Advantages of Positive Parenting

(Parentingforbrain.com, 2021)

1. Kids are more confident
2. Children have more mental health and wellness
3. Kids are more self-sufficient
4. Children have better problem solving skills
5. Kids develop healthy coping mechanisms
6. Kids are more well-adjusted
7. Children have more morals and values
8. Kids have less behavioral issues
9. Kids are more resilient
10. Children have more academic success
11. Kids have better social skills
12. Kids are able to emotionally regulate and have self-awareness

guidelines FOR POSITIVE PARENTING

Look at the cause of the behavior

(positiveparentingsolutions.com, 2019)

When a child is acting out, there is often a reason behind it. Positive parenting stresses getting to the root of the behavior and having empathy in the process. For example, the next time your child is misbehaving, ask yourself what the cause could be. Did your child miss her nap? Is he hungry? Did something happen at school, with a friend, etc.?

There are other possible causes for misbehavior. A child needs to feel that he/she is getting attention/quality time with their parents and that he/she is encouraged to make choices. Power struggles often ensue when a child is not given the opportunity to assert independence.

Speak respectfully and firmly to your children

Positive parenting stresses that respect should be given to both the parent and the child. Using words such as “please” and “thank you” set a good example for how your child should speak to you and to others, while also giving them respect. Although parents who use this type of parenting speak in a kind way, that does not mean that they are not setting rules or boundaries. 

speak firmly without yelling.

Yelling is something many of us do as we were yelled at as kids. There are going to be times we lose our cool and yell. However, the situation will usually then escalate or the child will reacts out of fear rather than learning a lesson from the situation. When possible, try speaking in a calm, but firm voice.

There are two things to keep in mind when speaking with your children:

1. Positive language– Instead of telling your kids what NOT to do, try stating what they should do. For example, instead of saying, “Don’t run,” try saying, “Please walk.” Instead of saying, “Don’t throw your shoes,” say, “Please put your shoes in the shoe rack.” Explain what to do as a positive statement instead of a negative one.
2. Positive Reinforcement– Just as positive language should be used, it is important to acknowledge positive behavior and reinforce it. Often we see our kids behaving in ways that we like, but we tend to mention the unwanted behaviors instead of all the ways that they behaved appropriately. Some examples of positive reinforcement are: “You’re working so hard on solving that math problem!”, “You were so helpful when you loaded the dishwasher!” “I saw that you were about to jump from that step, but you stopped. You should be really proud of yourself!” Try being as specific as possible by avoiding generic statements such as “Great job!” or “That’s wonderful!” Commenting on a child’s specific positive behavior shows that you noticed what they did and illustrates the exact behaviors that should continue.

There are two Types of consequences in positive parenting

(mother.ly.com, 2020)

1. Natural Consequences– If a child is rough with a fragile toy, it will break. If a child does not put on warm shoes when it is cold outside, their feet will get cold. When homework is handed in that is incomplete or done incorrectly, the child will get a bad grade. Through natural consequences a child can learn how to make better choices. We can explain to our children why we think there is a better option, but there are times when we should allow our children to learn from their mistakes. This avoids you having to battle with your child, and your child is given the opportunity to figure things out for themselves.
2. Logical Consequences-. When a consequence is given, it needs to be logical. Consequences should be given in advance as much as possible so that a child understands the outcome of their choice. It is okay to give a warning first, but there should also be a reminder of what will happen if it happens again. Some examples are: If your child leaves his toys on the floor when he is told to pick them up, those toys get taken away. If your child does not ask permission to turn on the TV, your child isn’t allowed to watch TV. There is no dessert if your child refuses to eat his food. If your child is not listening when having a playdate at a friend’s house, your child has to end the playdate.           

Logical consequences should be respectful, reasonable, and related.

Speak respectfully when giving a consequence. There is no need to say, “I told you so,” or to make the child feel shame. Additionally, consequences need to make sense and be directly related to the action. Lastly, consequences should not be extreme, such as telling your child they have to go to bed early for a month for going to bed a few minutes passed their bedtime.  If consequences are done in an unreasonable, disrespectful, or unrelated way, the child will not learn from their actions.

Expectations and rules need to be age and developmentally appropriate and clear

It is important to make sure that your child understand the rules of the house. Rules should be simple, with consequences stated ahead of time. For example, before going to the store, your child should know to stay next to you and that they are to keep their hands to themselves. Make sure that your expectations are clear and ask your child to repeat them back to you to ensure they understand.

It is important to keep the child’s age and development in mind when setting expectations. If you have a child with poor impulse control and hyperactivity, asking your child to stay next to you while you do a full grocery shopping is unrealistic. If your child will stand next to you while you pick up a few items, then state that as your expectation.  

Explaining the expectations in advance allows kids to feel prepared and ensures that everyone is on the same page. This lessens the likelihood of outburst or negative behaviors.

Additionally, the amount of language you use should vary based on the child’s age and development. Try to keep your instructions to a couple of words with a young child. It is also helpful to get down to your child’s eye level when speaking with them.  

It is a good idea to explain why you have these rules. For example, “I want you to keep your hands to yourself so nothing gets knocked off the shelves,” or, “Washing our hands before dinner helps us to stay healthy.” If your child understands the importance of these rules, they are more likely to comply.

Be consistent

Do not give a consequence unless you are willing to follow through with it. If there is a lack of follow through, it minimizes the importance of your rules and sends the message that you will continue to set consequences and not implement them. This will only increase the likelihood of unwanted behavior. You deserve to be respected and taken seriously, and therefore consistency is crucial.