My last post was about my choice to only have one child, but that topic lends itself to a greater one. This post is about the choices women make, and the effects of mom shaming we receive as a result of those choices.
the competition and civil war between moms
Women receive enormous amounts of pressure to acquiesce to conventional society. Additionally, there is a civil war going on among women, particularly moms.
By a certain age, women are expected to get married. Women nowadays are getting married at later ages than previous generations, but the expectation is still there. If couples have been dating for awhile, they are asked when they are planning to get married. If you haven’t gotten married by a certain age, eyebrows raise.
Once you get married, then the real shaming begins. Questions come up about when there will be kids. When you have a child, you are then asked when you are having another one. If you only have one child, people will tell you that it is selfish to not have more. Have two kids that are the same sex? Expect to get asked when you are going to have a child of the opposite sex. If you have kids too close together, people will comment on it, just as they will if you have children with a big age gap.
Next, moms will then debate about who has it harder. Moms with many kids will comment about how hard it is to juggle more than one child. Moms with one child will argue that they have it harder because their child doesn’t have a sibling to entertain them.
different types and effects of mom shaming
There is also tremendous pressure regarding how to feed your baby. Are you breastfeeding? After all, the American Pediatric Association says that it’s best for your child. If you choose to give formula, expect most pediatricians to tell you that “breast is best”. Even if you find a doctor who says that your baby is fine with formula, there are moms that will absolutely judge your choice. If you do breastfeed, how long did you do it? If it was under or over a year, expect questions.
Unfortunately, the pressure isn’t over yet. Are you a Stay-at-Home-Mom or a Working Mom?
Either way, you’re getting mom shamed.
Moms who stay at home are routinely told that they have it easier because they don’t work, and those who work are put on the defensive about why they choose to work rather than stay home and take care of their kids.
Are you the mom that shows up at carpool wearing makeup and a cute outfit along with your expensive car and your impeccable kids? If you’re one of those moms, get ready for some eye rolling. Are you the mom that drops off your kid with your hair a mess, your car looking like you slept in it, and your kids wearing mismatched clothes? If you’re one of those moms, get ready for some snickers. Do you spend your mornings working out and meeting friends for lunch? Alternatively, are you the mom who rushes to work as soon as you drop your kids off at school? Perhaps you are the mom barely getting by and living paycheck to paycheck and living in an apartment? Regardless of your answer, prepare to get judged and shamed.
Does your kid participate in numerous afterschool activities? Do your kids have a nanny? Get ready for moms to think that you are using money to have others take care of your kids. Does your kid not partake in after school activities? Get ready for moms to think that you are depriving your child.
Is the father in the picture? Did you marry before you had kids? Are you married? Single and divorced moms better prepare themselves to spill the beans on why the relationship didn’t work.
stop shaming mothers for their choices
Life is comprised of a series of choices, which cause most of us to have sleepless nights. We lie awake praying and hoping we are doing the right thing. The pressure and judgment we put on ourselves isn’t torturous enough. We also judge and get judged by society and other women. The sad and harsh truth is that shaming has become an epidemic.
When did our lives become a giant justification? Why is it okay for us to shame one another to feel better about ourselves? Why does society have the right to dictate our choices?
None of us know what is going on in other people’s lives. We see glimpses of what others choose to show us on social media and during social interactions. We have a hard enough time feeling good about our choices, yet we feel we have the right to impose our choices on others.
I am not perfect. I try my best, as I am sure you do too. All we can do is hope and pray that our choices are good enough based on the cards we were dealt.
effects of mom shaming and ending the shaming pandemic
Therefore, I am waving the proverbial white flag. Women who aren’t married, women who are married, women who are divorced, women who work, women who stay at home, women with no children, women with one child, women with many children, women who breastfeed, women who give formula, women with limited money, women with loads of money, women with help, women with no help….we are all human beings with hopes and dreams and strengths and weaknesses
It is hard enough being a woman. Life is hard enough. Why can’t we raised each other up instead of tearing each other down? What if we showed empathy and kindness to ourselves and to one another? What if we called a truce and agreed that our lives may be different, but we all have struggles? Would it help you to sleep better at night if you got to live your life without outside pressure and the after effects of mom shaming? I know it would help me.
“Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.”- Brad Meltzer
I am the parent of a special needs child. My daughter has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). My job as her mother is the greatest responsibility I will ever have. Although my job is to help my daughter to learn and grow, she helps me learn and grow as well.
The truth is, the image I had of parenting is not reality. The smiling faces on Facebook and Instagram capture mere moments of real-life. It is easy to look at others and think that you are the only one who struggles. That is simply not the truth.
Just as it was essential for my well-being to accept the hard truth about my childhood, awareness and acceptance are of paramount importance when raising a child. The road to acceptance was not an easy road for me. When I enrolled my daughter in a Montessori Pre-K, the teachers and director voiced a lot of concerns about my daughter’s inability to do things that other kids were doing. I believed that the large class size and lack of warmness were the cause of everything. When they suggested she had Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) I scoffed. I was her mother, and my daughter was FINE.
adhd and SPD
When we put her into a smaller school, she adjusted well. Still, transitions were very hard for her; she would raise her hand and give answers that had nothing to do with the questions, and she often rolled around on the floor at school when asked to pick an activity at the learning stations. Brielle knew her numbers and letters, could write paragraphs, and was reading, but she couldn’t focus in large groups and was always losing her belongings.
She was well-behaved at school, but at home she constantly threw tantrums and had no ability to self-regulate her emotions. Despite being 4, I couldn’t take her to any stores because she literally touched everything, and she would not sit still and follow directions. She would squeeze the cats, fall up and down stairs, and sought out constant movement.
Nothing I tried seemed to calm her down.
Despite my background as a Speech-Language-Pathologist, I had blinders on when it came to my own child. I wanted desperately to believe that I could somehow make it better on my own. I thought if I tried harder or did more, I could somehow make the problems go away. There came a point when I had to admit that an assessment was needed. Her health and happiness were more important than my denial.
My daughter was diagnosed by an Occupational Therapist with SPD. Two years later she was diagnosed with ADHD, executive functioning issues, poor working memory, and auditory processing issues. I went from being in denial that there was anything wrong, to demanding an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) be made for my child. I learned some valuable lessons along the way, and my hope is that I can make the road of parenting a special needs child less bumpy for others:
strategies to help parent a special needs child
(1) As parents, we must look at hard truths
It is better to err on the side of caution and get your child assessed ASAP rather than hope it will all go away. If there is a problem, the earlier there is intervention, the better. If there is nothing wrong, then you have nothing to lose by getting your child tested.
(2) Labels should be used to help your child, not to define your child
Brielle has learning issues, but the labels associated with those issues do not define her. Who she is as a person is what defines her. Brielle is loving, bright, sensitive, and funny.
(3) You must be your child’s greatest advocate, ally and supporter
Involve yourself in every aspect of the assessment and intervention process. For example, I observed every Occupational Therapy session, and I implemented each tool at home.
At the beginning of last year I started homeschooling my daughter. She had a psycho-educational evaluation done over the summer that determined she had ADHD. Subsequently, I found out that I could request a meeting with the Student Support Team (SST) at the public school because we pay taxes to the county. I fought for Brielle to get a full evaluation so that if she were eligible, she could have an IEP. I brought a list of my present and future concerns and was adamant that she needed testing for executive functioning and auditory processing. When they determined she indeed had weaknesses in those areas, I researched IEP goals for those delays as well as accommodations that she needed.
I made sure they were all implemented into the IEP.
I planned to have Brielle virtually attend Georgia Connections Academy, but I insisted that she get less screen time and only go online when it would be small groups. She does not focus in large online groups. They were unwilling to cooperate, so I am continuing her education with Bridgeway . I want to put her in an environment that sets her up for success, so I will continue to be her teacher until we find a school that is a good fit for her.
Stand up for your child and make sure they get the proper support and intervention. Don’t be afraid to stand your ground. If you do not fight for your child, then who will? It is necessary that your child gets the proper support to thrive.
(4) Be open and honest with your child about their struggles and their needs
Having an open line of communication is necessary so there is no shame about it. Brielle understands that she difficulty starting and focusing on tasks because of her ADHD, and we have discussed strategies to help her. She knows that she can ask for a break if she needs to “let her wiggles out”. I have taught her various breathing exercises to help her “calm her mind”.
She will sometimes ask for a squeeze if she needs that pressure on her body (for sensory input), and she has a weighted blanket that she uses at night. When Brielle gets exasperated because she doesn’t understand something, I encourage her to try her best and I try explaining it to her in a different way. I also try to use as many visuals and manipulatives as possible to aid in her comprehension of tasks.
Brielle’s Kindergarten teachers thought she couldn’t grasp addition and subtraction number bonds; by the end of homeschool last year she was doing multiplication, division, and fractions. She may have different learning needs than others because of her ADHD and SPD, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t capable of learning. I won’t allow her to believe otherwise.
Brielle has a poor working memory, but her long term memory is amazing. She can recall in vivid detail incidences that took place years ago. Her hyperactivity has an upside as well. She never tires. Make sure your child knows that for every challenge there is also a strength.
(6) Parenting must vary based on the child, NOT the other way around
We must give our children what they need, not what we want them to need. Brielle has difficulty playing by herself and she is very accident- prone. I need to keep an eye on her because she is incredibly impulsive. She has difficulty playing independently because of her ADHD and SPD. I give her options of what she can do when she has “quiet time” (time where she plays by herself). She chooses what she’d like to do.
I encourage her to be her own friend and give her lots of positive reinforcement when she keeps herself occupied and plays independently. I believe in her fully, but I also needed to adjust my idea of how she should be. Brielle is Brielle, and I wouldn’t have her any other way.
awareness and acceptance
Awareness and acceptance– the key ingredients to parenting a special needs child. They have helped me to be the mother and person I am today. I am far from perfect, and that’s okay. I am aware of who I am, and I am aware of how special my daughter is. The sky is the limit. I am honored to be along for the ride.
Is your child as much of a germ factory as mine is? My daughter loves to share her germs when she gets sick. Normally, I think that is a wonderful quality for a child to possess. I love that she will eagerly share her toys and take turns with others. However, there are exceptions to every rule.
The rule of sharing should not apply when it comes to getting sick. My daughter thinks that if she isn’t feeling well, it is perfectly acceptable do everything in her power to share her germs with me. Now I could reason that she didn’t know any better when she was a baby. After all, what do babies know about being germ factories and stopping the spread of germs? At three, I chalked it up to having poor impulse control. However, at the age of 7, she is just playing dirty (no pun intended).
germs are not my friend
I hate germs. My husband calls me a germaphobe, and perhaps I am. I wash my hands thoroughly before I put any item of food into my mouth, I will never eat anything that dropped on the floor (five second rule- ha!), and don’t even get me started on doorknobs and faucet handles. My dream house is one that is fully motion-censored, so I never have to touch anything.
Despite my own desire to live in a germ-free world, I understand that kids are meant to get dirty. I mean, some of the most fun activities are messy ones. Bring on the slime, the playdough, the finger paints, the playground that every child has touched. I even have pictures of my daughter playing in the mud, with dirt in parts of her where no dirt should ever be. I can handle all that.
my daughter loves to share
What I can’t handle is when my daughter, the germ factory, gets sick. When my daughter has a cold she will do the following: cough on me, wipe her nose on me, sneeze on me, and even lick me. I still have nightmares about what happened when she had a stomach bug.
On top of everything else, being sick rarely slows her down. She doesn’t lay there and play quietly. When I inevitably catch whatever abomination she has, I have to take care of a germ-oozing energizer bunny despite feeling like something that got scraped off of the bottom of a shoe.
I’ve explained to her many-a-time that those types of behaviors are simply unacceptable. However, the more utter disgust I show, the more she seems determined to gross me out (mission accomplished). I try to avoid her when she’s sick, but then I remember that I’m the only one around to take care of her. She doesn’t act this way around her father, and even if she did, I doubt he’d care. I decided that I must follow the same rule you would with dogs and bees- show no fear.
The last time she had a bad cold, I tried to apply my newfound logic. I didn’t react when she used my shorts as Kleenex and didn’t blink an eye when she sneezed in my hair. I calmly walked away from her and didn’t reinforce her behavior in any way (and in the privacy of my own room scrubbed myself down). My thought was that by showing no reaction, there would be no motivation to act that way. Turns out, the motivation is that she simply enjoys sharing her germs with me.
I finally came up with a solution; Vitamin C and Lysol. Wait, you can’t find Lysol anymore…I guess I have to start wearing a mask indoors.
My labor story was nothing like the women you hear of who gave birth in a toilet bowl or in the car. I noticed I had some leakage (more like a drip), so I called my OB-GYN and spoke to the physician assistant. She informed that it was probably discharge (I apologize if this is TMI). When it continued into the next day, I suspected something was up and called again. This time, they told me to come to their office. I was informed that I lost a significant amount of amniotic fluid and needed to go to the hospital.
To be completely honest, I wasn’t thrilled with the timing. My due date was August 8th, and it was August 2nd (which is my wedding anniversary). I joked with my husband throughout my pregnancy that the baby would want to arrive on our anniversary, and apparently it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I knew this would be the last time I’d get to celebrate my anniversary fully (because her birthday would be the same or next day), so I tried to convince my husband to stop for a quick anniversary meal on the way. Shockingly my request was denied, and we rushed to the hospital.
my Labor and delivery
I was not dilated at all, so they had to give me Petocin. All this did was speed up my contractions, but still no dilation. Seventeen hours into my labor I had dilated 3cm and I had a fever. My husband kept commenting on how my body was shaking from the contractions. Nurses kept coming in to ask me what brought me there (seriously?!). The anesthesiologist administered the epidural manually on four separate occasions.
My theory is that my body realized that in order to survive I was going to have to dilate, so I finally dilated 7cm after TWENTY-ONE hours of labor (on top of 24 hours of a high water leak). By 23 hours and change, I was fully dilated. My OB-GYN (who came highly recommended) was texting on her phone when it was time to push. I decided I was getting that baby out of me with or without her help (which clearly I wasn’t getting), and I delivered my daughter after 30 minutes of pushing. The complications I had after delivery are another story, and perhaps one I will go into at another time (or perhaps I’ll just spare you the gory details).
our nicu experience
My husband and I had decided we would not find out if we were having a boy or a girl in advance. Everyone (myself included) thought that I was having a boy. We had picked out a definitive name for a boy, and had a couple of names for a girl. When we looked at our daughter for the first time, we knew this was our Brielle.
I didn’t know it at the time, but my daughter was not breathing after their first attempt, and it took a good twenty seconds before she started to cry. My husband did not get to cut the umbilical cord, and she was rushed to the NICU because they thought Brielle might have an infection due to my fever. My husband and I were the only visitors allowed to see her at the hospital.
When I finally made it to the NICU, I was informed that my daughter’s blood sugar level had dropped. Unfortunately, they had to give her formula before I arrived. I had wanted to breastfeed her for her first feeding, but unfortunately, that was not in the cards. I was able to feed her the next time though. After two days at NICU she was deemed healthy and we took her home.
It is unbelievable to think that my labor story took place almost eight years ago. I am able to look back at it now and laugh, but it was anything but funny at the time. That experience seems like it happened yesterday and also a million years ago. Giving birth to a child is a great representation of parenthood; it brings you unimaginable pain, but also brings you unimaginable joy
Homeschooling your child is no easy task. Not to brag, but I started homeschooling before it was even a thing. Joking aside, when I started homeschooling my daughter I didn’t know anyone who was homeschooling. Who would have thought a pandemic would force every household to teach their kids from home? In the past year and a half, I have found these homeschooling tips extremely useful.
Most of you were thrown into homeschooling and had to go along with whatever your child’s school implemented. This isn’t the greatest representation of the realities of homeschooling.
I decided to homeschool my then first-grade daughter for a myriad of reasons. Brielle is a super smart girl. She knew her letters and numbers by 2, started reading and writing paragraphs by three. As bright as she is, she also has ADHD, working memory issues, executive functioning issues, as well as processing issues. When you put that together it translated to a girl who is very capable, but was performing differently at school than she was at home. She learns differently than others, and she wasn’t able to get the support she needed in school to thrive academically.
We looked all over the internet for homeschooling tips and suggestions to aid us in making the right decision for her.
We enrolled her in an online accredited school because it took some of the pressure off of me to figure out what she needed to learn for that grade (and I didn’t have to worry about preparing materials). Also, if I decide at a later time to enroll her in school, she can be put into the proper grade without any issues.
There are many ways to homeschool your child, and there is no right or wrong way. Each state has online public schools, but they fill up very quickly. They also offer various private homeschooling programs with varying teacher support (which also varies the price- these online schools are not fools). You can also come up with your own curriculum and not rely on any type of school. There are several websites out there that sell materials, and you can look up topics online or make your own materials. Google is your friend. Don’t be afraid to use it to look up school options for your state or homeschooling materials for your child’s grade.
I chose an online school with a program that provided hard copy texts and manipulatives, as Brielle is a kinesthetic learner. I couldn’t have Brielle in a school where it was all taught online, because endless computer time + Brielle= Brielle bouncing off the walls. As a result I taught Brielle 99% of the time (cue jaw drop), and occasionally there was a related video that she watched to reinforce what she learned.
Here are the pros and cons of homeschooling:
Pros
(1) You can tailor the level of learning to the needs of the child
That means that if your kid needs extra help or extra time to grasp a topic, you are able to provide that. If your child is advanced in certain subjects, you will be able to do work at his or her level. I drove the homeschool’s coordinator crazy changing Brielle’s level and materials until I found the right fit for her. Truthfully, this poor woman has probably quit her job.
(2) You can tailor the support to the need of the child
You know your child best, so you can provide the proper accommodations to ensure success. You are there if your child needs redirection or needs further explanation. This is essential for kids with learning disabilities, or kids who need different support than what is typically provided in a classroom.
(3) Instead of putting your trust in someone else to teach your child, you are now holding all the cards.
Most teachers are wonderful, but there are many students in a class, and the teacher cannot solely focus on your child.
(4) You can tailor the material to your child
For example, if your child likes science, you can spend extra time doing science experiments. Learning comes in a variety of ways! Take a walk and teach them about nature. Let them splash in the rain and teach them about the water cycle. Learning through play is always best, and when it’s fun for them, it’s also fun for you. Afterall, less child hysterics means less hysterical Mom.
(5) Often kids get bullied at school
Homeschooling your child allows your kids to socialize despite not participating in a classroom. Many places offer cooperative learning where you homeschool with other families. We didn’t have that option in our area, but Brielle participated in numerous extracurricular activities, so she still got to socialize.
(6) Homeschooling takes less time than traditional school
A typical school day is 7-8 hours, and homeschooling shouldn’t take any longer than a few hours because you are only teaching one student- yours! That drastically cuts down the amount of time needed to learn. With my daughter’s focusing issues, that was a huge benefit.
(7) You can plan school around your schedule as opposed to the other way around
Brielle and I were able to accompany my husband on a work trip without worrying that she would miss school. We simply did extra learning beforehand and took that time to enjoy ourselves.
Cons
(1) Your child is home during the day
Every day. All the time. I know you’ve all gotten somewhat used to having them around since March (or have learned to tolerate it), but this is a whole new ballgame when it is the entire schoolyear.
(2) You need the patience of a saint
I think I’m pretty patient with my daughter, but everyone has their limits, and children are excellent at testing them. Most kids are on their best behavior for their teacher, and then they act out at home. Now that I’m Teacher Mommy, it’s just a three-ring circus around here.
(3) You will wear many hats, and it can be very overwhelming
You need to figure out a way to balance your role as teacher with your role as mother (in addition to the thousand other roles and responsibilities we have). I aged 10 years and had about 300,000 meltdowns during the first three weeks that I homeschooled Brielle. Brielle also had about 300,000 meltdowns. Surprisingly, my husband barricaded himself in his office.
(4) Homeschooling can be exhausting
There were times where I was super proud of the way I presented a lesson, and Brielle would stare back at me as if I was speaking a foreign language. Other times I would ask a question and wish there was someone else to call on because Brielle was busy studying the paint on our ceiling. You will need to be prepared to try different ways of teaching to find what works for your child. That way of teaching may vary by subject, mood or even the day.
(5) YOU are responsible for their learning
That is a pro, but it is also a con. Their success (and failure) rests on your shoulders. That is a great responsibility, and not one that should be taken lightly.
(6) Although your child can get plenty of socialization, it is not the same thing as being in a school with kids everyday for 7 hours a day
If you have a kid that is incredibly social, that might be worth considering.
(7) Have I mentioned that your child will now be home with you
I strongly feel that point is worth mentioning again. Stop and let that soak in for awhile.
(8) If you have power struggles with your kids now, just wait until you start homeschooling them
Getting your child to listen to you is not easy. Getting your child to listen to you while trying to teach them is a form of torture. The child who smiled all so sweetly at school has given me looks that make me worry that she is possessed.
Homeschooling isn’t right for every child, and it certainly isn’t right for every parent. Like all parenting choices, you need to trust your instincts and decide what is the best fit for you. If you do decide to homeschool, my biggest piece of advice is to remember that it is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time to find your footing. Homeschooling is a huge transition. As long as your kids are clothed, fed, and healthy, you are off to a great start!
I hope these homeschooling tips can be helpful to you as you plan your child’s education and curriculum. As always, if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact me!
We are survivors. As women, as people, we have all had to survive different obstacles in our lives. Of course, the degree of survival differs from person to person, but we have all had struggles in one way or another. For me, I had to survive a traumatic childhood and create strategies to have a loving, healthy relationship with my daughter. I believe that these parenting tips and strategies are helpful regardless of your specific struggles.
parenting tips and strategies
These are the 6 parenting tips and strategies that helped me become the mother I am today:
(1) As a scared new mom, and even after all these years of parenthood, I often have NO idea what I am doing
If someone tells you they have all the answers, I have a bridge to sell you. You can read parenting tips and strategies on the internet every day, and you will still not have all the answers. Each day it is my first time being a mother to my daughter at that age. Children do not come with a “how to” manual, and each child is different. What I do know is what NOT to do. I have a list of things that I will NEVER, ever do because those were horrific things that happened to me.
Awareness is key in implementing change. So I faced every horrific thing my mother did to me. I allowed myself to feel the helplessness, the sadness and the pain. If I allowed myself to stay in denial, or to convince myself that it was somehow justified, then how could I stop it from happening at my own hands? I used my own childhood as a roadmap of where I would never allow myself to go.
(2) For many of us, toxic and dysfunctional relationships are all we know
It is crucial that we learn new and healthy ways of parenting. Don’t be afraid to get help! Read those parenting books (and roll your eyes at the things you know wouldn’t work for your child), phone a friend (or two, or three) when you are having a bad day or you need some advice on how to proceed. Read that self-help book (or two, or three) that you’ve read so many times that it is hard to make out the words. Reach out to your spouse or find a good therapist. It is okay to ask for help.
(3) Kids will trigger the daylights out of you, and it is essential that you take time for your own well-being.
Parenting is hard! Scream into a pillow. Write in your journal. Talk to yourself in the mirror. Be your greatest friend and ally. Take the time to work on healthy coping mechanisms, and cheer yourself on for all the progress you have made. Remember, it is a marathon, not a sprint.
On particularly stressful days I make sure my daughter is safely occupied, and then I go into my bedroom, lock the door, and vent (sometimes to my husband, and sometimes I am a frazzled woman talking to myself). My daughter knows that sometimes Mommy needs a time-out too. We openly talk about our feelings, and she knows that feeling overwhelmed or frustrated is not something that only kids have to deal with.
(4) We will all make mistakes
As long as we are not abusing our children, mistakes are natural, normal, and par for the course. Accept responsibility for your mistakes, learn from them, and grow from them. Be willing to apologize to your children and recognize when you have done something wrong.
Many of us grew up feeling that we had to be perfect or had a caregiver who never admitted any wrongdoing. I am definitely a work-in-progress when it comes to expecting perfection from myself. I associated saying or doing the wrong thing with shame, because I was often shamed for my mistakes. If I don’t want my daughter to expect perfection from herself, I realized that I needed to set the right example that nobody (myself included) is perfect. There is no shame in making mistakes. I can be a great mom and still mess up. I can be the parent and still apologize if I do something that I regret.
(5) Just as our children need a parent, so do we
When we were children, some of us did not get the love and compassion we needed from our parents. If we did not receive support and kindness from our own parents, then we need to be our own parent.
How do we do that? Talk to that little child inside of you. Tell your inner child everything you wish you had heard from your parents and validate your inner child’s feelings and experiences. In order to love our children in healthy ways, we need to learn how to love ourselves.
(6) Unconditional love
The two most beautiful words in the world (in my opinion). What so many of us craved, but never received, was unconditional love. Give your children that love. Love them on the good days, and love them and support them on the difficult ones.
My daughter never doubts the love I have for her. She knows that no matter how I am feeling and no matter what she says or does, that nothing can ever change the love I have for her. She knows that to the point where she rolls her eyes when I say it to her. My daughter knows that no matter where life takes her, I will always be waiting for her with open arms and an open heart.
Ian S. Thomas wrote, “Before your children came, they were told that you would love them, so whatever you do, however you treat them…to them, it is love.” Being a parent is the greatest responsibility one will ever have. We know better than anyone how significant our role is in our child’s life. It is the greatest challenge and the greatest joy to be a parent. Remember to honor both, and you will be able to navigate the bumpy road of parenting.
It was 2015, and a birthday surprise party was planned to celebrate my mother-in-law’s 70th birthday. A restaurant was selected, guests each wrote in a book that we had inscribed, and the place was decorated. Every detail was well thought out, planned, and set into motion. What could go wrong? Answer: My then three-year-old daughter, Brielle.
The day before the birthday surprise party was like any other day. My daughter was her usual hyper self, and she was particularly excited because she knew that the next day was her Gramme’s birthday party. She did a great job of keeping the party a secret. The party, the cake, the balloons…it was all so wonderful! So wonderful, in fact, that my daughter was bouncing with energy, ran into the living room, tripped over her own feet, and crashed face first into the side of our coffee table.
My husband and I are not naïve when it comes to our daughter. We know her energy is limitless, and she leaps first and looks later (literally). Our entire apartment was babyproofed, especially our coffee table. It was an old, cheap coffee table because Brielle+ nice furniture= Mommy having a breakdown when the furniture inevitably gets ruined. We not only babyproofed the corners, but we put rubber adhesive strips all along the perimeter of the table. As much as we tried to babyproof our home, there was not a babyproof gadget out there that could help if our daughter went flying and smashed the side of her face with full force.
the aftermath
My daughter started to cry. I immediately ran over and looked at her face, and held back a gasp. It looked like she was starting to get a black eye. I put ice on it immediately, and then rushed her to the doctor to make sure nothing was broken. Luckily, the doctor assured it was a bad bruise, but Brielle looked like she had gone twelve rounds with Mike Tyson.
What were we going to do? The party was the next day, and I wanted the surprise to be the party, not Brielle’s face. I prayed that it would all go away by the next morning, but of course, no such luck. I did my best to put some concealer on her black eye (every mother’s dream). When we got to the restaurant I told her not to move a muscle. We waited for my mother-in-law to arrive.
When my mother-in-law got to the back room of the restaurant, she was shocked. First she was shocked about the party. Then she was shocked (and probably horrified) when her granddaughter ran over covered in concealer and swollen on one side of her face. Brielle was on cloud nine that she was wearing makeup, and she proudly told everyone the story of how she fell. I spent the entire party walking beside her as she told her story to make sure that nobody called Child Protective Services.
It was a wonderful party and a wonderful day. Brielle thanked everyone for coming because she decided it was her birthday party since her face was the center of attention. Needless to say, family pictures were taken to show only the right side of Brielle’s face. I reconsidered the need for furniture in our apartment.
