Category: Wellness

How to Cope with Anxiety: Suggestions for Anxiety Relief & Management

Posted on by Randi
how to cope with anxiety

Learning how to cope with anxiety is necessary for all of us. There are numerous ways to reduce anxiety whether you have occasional bouts of anxiety or suffer from an anxiety disorder.  If you missed the first article that discusses tools to manage anxiety click here. This article will discuss a variety of other suggestions for anxiety relief and management for children and adults.

Challenge Your Way of Thinking to Help Cope with Anxiety

Anxiety takes place in the mind as well as the body. As a result, it is helpful to notice your thought patterns when you feel anxious and try to adjust/challenge your thinking when necessary. This is helpful to manage anxiety whether you are an adult or child.

Practice self-kindness

It is crucial to not judge yourself for how you are feeling. This will cause a spiraling effect that will only intensify the anxiety. Therefore, when you or your child are feeling anxious, say phrases out loud or to yourself as reminders that it Is okay to feel anxious. You can also think about things that you like about yourself. Phrases can be “I know I feel anxious, but I am trying my best”, “It is okay to feel anxious”, and “I am brave”.

Facing fears

  1. Those that struggle with making mistakes or the unfamiliar will avoid situations or activities. This is done out of fear of doing something wrong or not feeling prepared. Challenge your fears or your child’s fears by asking what the worst thing is that will happen in the situation. If it is making a mistake, remind yourself or your child that mistakes are part of life. If it is a fear of not participating in an event perfectly, counter the fear of making mistakes with missing out on an opportunity to do something enjoyable.
  2. Remember that being brave is not a lack of fear. Rather it is being afraid and doing it anyway. When my daughter is anxious, I remind her that anxiety is okay. She cannot control how she feels, but she can control her actions.
  3. If you have a child that is anxious, make sure to point out when you are anxious about facing your fears. Model your bravery so that your child sees that facing fears is something we all have to face.

Correct extreme thinking

People with anxiety tend to imagine wort-case or what-if scenarios. Therefore, when there is a situation that is causing anxiety, try to reimagine a more realistic portrayal. For example, if a child is afraid of failing, remind your child that they have studied very hard. They may not get a perfect grade, but remind them that they are prepared. If you are anxious about a big meeting, instead of thinking that nobody will like it, remind yourself that you worked hard. Some people may not like every part, but that is not the same thing as every person disliking your entire presentation. Remind yourself or your child of the number of times that things have worked out okay in similar situations. “Getting into a pattern of rethinking your fear helps train the brain to come up with a rational way to deal with your anxious thoughts” ( webmd.com , 2017).

Brainstorm

Anxiety often occurs due to a feeling of lack of control.

a) If there is a situation that is causing anxiety, try to think of things you or your child can do to feel more in control. “If your child gets anxious about intruders, make shutting and locking their bedroom window part of their night-time responsibilities” (healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au, 2020).

b) If there is a scary situation that doesn’t have an immediate solution, try brainstorming how to break down the situation into smaller chunks. Create mini-goals that will allow you to eventually reach your ultimate goal. For example, if your child is afraid of riding a bike, first have your child watch other kids on their bikes. Then have your child stand next to his/her bike, then sit on the bike without pedaling, then pedal for ten seconds while holding the bike, etc. This allows time to feel more comfortable with the situation.

Worry box

  1. I do this with my daughter at night when her anxiety makes it challenging for her to sleep. I created a “worry box” that she puts all of her worries into when it is not the right time to think about them. She visualizes what the worry box looks like, imagines opening it up, and then lists her worries aloud one by one. When she is done saying everything, she then imagines putting all of the worries into a box and putting a lock on it. She then throws the box into the ocean, over a mountain, out of an airplane, or buries it underground. When I can’t sleep, I run a mental list of worries in my head, imagine putting them in a box, and I imagine putting them somewhere I can’t reach.
  2. Determine in advance an appropriate time to think/address concerns. That way the anxiety isn’t being dismissed; rather, it is being set aside for a designated time. Try to schedule a time daily that you or your child (or both) can address your concerns. Set a timer for 15 minutes to journal or draw whatever is on your mind. When the timer is up, it is time to stop.

Have difficult conversations

If you have a child that has concerns about big topics, such as death, allow them to come to you with any questions. Talk through their concerns and be honest, while putting things into perspective. If you have a fear of something, do your research and be willing to have an honest conversation (with yourself or find a friend to talk to) that can help you to see things in a more realistic/clearer light.

Stay organized

Take control of your stress by making sure to prioritize your to-do list. Don’t procrastinate, and make sure to schedule your tasks so that you don’t feel overwhelmed. Help your child to stay organized by creating a schedule with time left in to take breaks.

Prioritize mental health

  1. Make sure to set boundaries so you don’t take on more responsibilities than you can handle. Remember it is okay to say no, and remind your child to be honest so they don’t feel obligated to participate in activities if they have other things they are juggling.
  2. Incorporate self-care into your daily routine and/or your child’s daily routine. 
  3. Practice anxiety reducing strategies daily and model them for your child so they see healthy coping strategies.

Breathing Exercises for Anxiety Management

People tend to take short, shallow breaths when they are anxious. There are many types of breathing exercises that are meant to invoke relaxation by slowing and deepening the breath. These exercises can be used by adults and children:

4-7-8 Breathing

Inhale for 4 seconds through your nose, hold it for 7 seconds, and exhale for 8 seconds through your mouth. If this is too difficult for your child, you can count aloud while your child breathes or do this alongside your child. An alternative is having your child inhale for 3 seconds, hold for 3 seconds, and then exhale for 3 seconds.

Deep belly breathing

Inhale while filling your stomach with air and then let the air leave your stomach while you exhale. You can do this while doing the 4-7-8 or instead concentrate on slowly and evenly inhaling and exhaling. If helpful, you can think “in” during inhalation and “out” during exhalation.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

This is a favorite of mine for stress relief. It involves tensing and releasing your body from your head to her toes. To do this, inhale while tensing/contracting the body part, hold it for 8 seconds, and then exhale while relaxing/releasing the body part. Start with your feet, and work your way upward to the calves, thighs, pelvis, stomach, chest/neck area, arms, hands, and then face. At the end tense everything at the same time, hold, and release.

Vagus Nerve Stimulation

Take an inhale and then exhale for as long as possible while vibrating your lips to make a “wwww” or “ommm” sound.  According to Neurosculpting Instititue, “The researchers found that the vibrations from ‘OM’ chanting stimulate the vagus nerve, which then sends out neurotransmitters and electrical signals that reduce activity to key areas of the brain like the amygdala, associated with our flight/fight/freeze response. In addition, the increased oxygenation of the blood from the vibration facilitates feelings of relaxation and release in the muscles and structure of the body.”

Aromatherapy is Helpful to Cope with Anxiety

Essential oils and scented candles both promote relaxation and relieve stress (healthline.com, 2018). Children can benefit from aromatherapy as well, but consult with your child’s pediatrician first to ensure proper usage.

Some of the ones most associated with promoting calmness are: 

Sleeping Through Anxiety

Sleep and anxiety are interconnected. Anxiety disorders can cause insomnia, and lack of sleep can worsen anxiety and emotional health. “Strong evidence indicates that sleeping problems are not only a symptom of anxiety. Instead, sleep deprivation can instigate or worsen anxiety disorders “ (sleepfoundation.org, 2020). My daughter and I both suffer from sleep problems, and I discuss numerous solutions to aid in sleeping here.

Get the most use out of these anxiety reducing strategies

  1. Remember that as with most things, there is not a one-size-fits-all strategy. What works well for one, may not be the strategy of choice for another. There will be trial and error as you see which strategies work best for you and/or your child.
  2. Don’t assume that if something doesn’t work the first time (or as soon as you try it), that means that it won’t be effective. Allow the chance to acclimate to these practices. Keep track of their effectiveness by rating how you feel on a scale of 1-10 (1 being least anxious, and 10 being most) before and after. Try each a few times and see if the numbers change to determine whether it is a strategy to add to your tool box or not.
  3. Become familiar with how to do these strategies (i.e., practice doing them) so that you able to utilize them fully when the need arises. Try using them when you aren’t in distress so they are familiar when necessary.
  4. Utilize these strategies as soon as you feel anxious. It will make it harder to alleviate your anxiety if you wait until it escalates to try and manage it.
  5. Try to focus on sensations rather than feelings. If you focus on your anxiety, it will only make you feel more anxious. Try focusing on the sensations or facts rather than your emotions.

I hope these suggestions on how to cope with anxiety are helpful. Please share this post if you know someone who is struggling with anxiety! Don’t forget to ask for help from a professional if your anxiety is interfering with your quality of life.

 

Tips and Strategies to Reduce Anxiety Naturally in Children and Adults

Posted on by Randi
tips and strategies to reduce anxiety naturally

Everyone experiences feelings of anxiety and stress. Below are numerous tips and strategies to help reduce anxiety naturally in both children and adults. These strategies are useful whether you experience occasional or frequent anxiety.

It is important to keep in mind that there is no substitute for seeking professional help to manage anxiety disorders. However, these strategies can be used in conjunction with therapy. To gain further knowledge about anxiety, previous articles address various emotional and physical symptoms of anxiety and different types of anxiety disorders.

10 Grounding Techniques For Calming Down Quickly

Grounding techniques are practices to help you focus on the present moment. This is helpful for anxiety and any type of distress. It is particularly useful in those that suffer from PTSD and Panic Disorder. There are a variety of grounding exercises that can be implemented by both children and adults:

(1) Repetition of Phrases

Repeat something over and over when you are trying to anchor yourself.  An example is, “My name is _________. I live in _____________. The weather outside is ______________. The time is _____________. “ You or your child can make a list of such phrases in advance, and pick phrases to say aloud when feeling anxious. You can keep saying different phrases on the list or the same phrase until you feel less anxious.

(2) Label items in categories

Choose a few categories that you can easily list, such as types of animals and favorite desserts. You can either mentally or verbally list as many items as possible from those categories.

(3) Recite something

Pick a favorite poem, song, or lines from a book that you know. Either say it aloud or to yourself, while focusing on each word.

(4) Recall details 

Take a photograph, drawing, or piece of art and stare at it for a few seconds. Then look away and say as many details about it as you can recall. This can include remembering where you were when the picture was taken, what you were wearing when the picture was drawn, or any other related details.

(5) Numbers

Some examples include reciting the multiplication table, adding different numbers together, or counting by 3s. The types of math can vary based on age and ability. For example, a younger child can count until 5 several times.

grounding techniques for anxiety

(6) Use the 5-4-3-2-1 Method 

This is one of my favorites as it incorporates all your senses, really helping you to stay grounded in the moment. Look around your surroundings and use your senses to list things around you, working backwards from 5. For example, you can notice 5 things you see, then 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can smell, 2 things you can hear, and 1 thing you can taste. Focus on your surroundings intensely so you can pick up on sensations you may not normally realize.

(7) Put your hands in water

Put your hands in a bowl of cold water, allowing yourself to focus on the sensations of the water on different parts of your hand. Leave them in there while you concentrate on the various sensations. Then take them out and put them in a bowl of warm water. Focus on how the various temperatures feel differently on your hands. Continue to switch them back and forth.

(8) Pick up different items around you 

Notice the texture, shape, weight, smell, colors, or any unique features about each item. How does it feel in your hand? Try to be as specific as possible when labeling their features.

(9) Hold a piece of ice or put a cold pack on your head

Notice the sensations in your hand or face, again being as specific as possible.  Notice how the sensation changes as the it melts or becomes less cold. Putting anything cold on your head “triggers the vagus nerve that turns on all rest-connect nerves” (Kate-Cohen Posey, 2016).

(10) Focus on your body

  1. Concentrate on how your body feels from your head all the way down to your toes. First, do this sitting, and then try it again standing. You can raise and lower your feet on the ground, wiggle your hands or your arms, and/or cross and uncross your legs. Notice how each body part feels when you make those changes. Also pay attention to feelings such as your hair on your back, your glasses on your nose, or the feeling of your clothing on your body. 
  2. Notice how your body feels when you stretch or move each part of your body, from your toes to your face. You can rotate, wiggle and/or flex your body, focusing on each part as you do so.

Additional grounding exercises besides those in this post may be found here.

Diet and Supplements Are Helpful Ways to Reduce Anxiety Naturally

reducing anxiety naturally

Watching what you eat and consuming certain supplements are beneficial for reducing anxiety:

(1) Limit your sugar intake

Research has shown that too much sugar can worsen anxious feelings and impact temperament (webmd.com, 2017)

(2) A diet that contains vegetables, fruits, whole grains, and lean protein may benefit those with anxiety.

Chemicals in processed foods may cause mood changes in some people (healthline.com, 2020).

(3) Limit caffeine

Caffeine can cause jitteriness and nervousness in some people. Try reducing or eliminating your caffeine intake and see if it improves your anxiety symptoms. Remember that there is caffeine in chocolate, so be mindful of whether your child has caffeine in their diet as well.

(4) Eliminate alcohol and cigarettes

Alcohol can become abused if used as a coping mechanism for anxiety, so do not rely on alcohol to soothe your nerves. Similarly, smoking can worsen anxiety over time and “research also suggests that nicotine and other chemicals in cigarette smoke alter pathways in the brain linked to anxiety” (healthline.com, 2020).

(5) Supplements can help with anxiety reduction 

Please consult your child’s doctor before giving any supplements to children.

(6) Probiotics have also shown benefits in reducing anxiety

Check with your child’s doctor before giving any probiotics to children.

Exercise to Reduce Stress and Anxiety

(1) Moving your body is a great way to relieve mental stress

When you get your heart rate up, your body releases endorphins, which are chemicals that improve your mood. Find something you and/or your child enjoys doing such as running, walking, dancing, doing jumping jacks, swimming, playing sports, or riding a bike. Do this regularly as it is great for your physical health as well as your mental health.

(2) Meditation

A main goal of medication is to practice mindfulness, which is staying focused on the present. This is a grounding technique, and one which relieves stress and anxiety when practiced regularly. It is important to note that there is no “wrong” way to meditate. I like to repeat a phrase in my head to keep me anchored while I inhale and exhale. There are many YouTube videos that provide various options to help you or your child meditate.

(3) Yoga

Restorative poses are yoga poses that activate the parasympathetic nervous system. This helps elicit a relaxation response. You can google “restorative yoga poses” to see a variety of options, but a favorite of mine is Legs-Up-the-Wall-Pose.  To do this pose, you lay down on your back on a floor or bed and put your hips as close to the wall as possible. You then elevate your legs by putting them up against a solid object, such as a wall.  Your body forms an L-shape. Place a towel or blanket under your pelvis to elevate your hips for further benefits. You may also place a pillow under your head if you prefer. Focus on your breathing or listen to relaxing music. Stay in this position for 10-20 minutes depending on age, comfort, personal preference. This is something that children can easily do as well as adults.  

Journaling for Anxiety Relief and Stress

journaling for anxiety reduction

Journaling is a great way to handle stress. It is an outlet which allows for insightfulness and introspection.

(1) Some people choose to keep a gratitude journal, where they write/draw what they are grateful for daily

This allows them to focus on the positive things/people/circumstances in their life that they can remember when feeling anxious.

(2) A journal may also be used to list positive affirmations daily (e.g., I feel anxious, but I am not anxious. Being anxious does not define me.)

You can also list/draw things you like about yourself as reminders for when you feel anxious.

(3) Another/additional option is to put down on paper what you feel stressed about

This provides a healthy outlet of coping with anxiety. It can also help identify a pattern of thinking or way of thinking that isn’t helpful, allowing an opportunity to adjust your perspective.

Children should be encouraged to journal as well. They can either draw or write in their journal depending on which method is preferred/age.

There are some great journal options here, here, and here.

4 Important Anxiety Reminders

(1) There are MANY different strategies and ways to alleviate anxiety.

There are so many, in fact, that I have another post devoted to an entire new list of tips and techniques to manage anxiety in both children and adults! 

(2) Remember that anxiety is experienced differently for everyone.

What works for one person may not work for another. Also, what might work for you or your child in one instance may not be as effective another time. Experiment with various strategies so you have options.

(3) It takes practice and patience to figure out what techniques or products are the best for you.

(4) Lastly, if you find this article helpful, please share it with others!

 

My hope is that these tips and strategies will be beneficial, and that this post can help spread awareness and support! 

 

13 Powerful Lessons That I’ve Learned From Marriage

Posted on by Randi
lessons learned from marriage

Marriage isn’t easy. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it is hard. Really, really hard. Learning to merge two people’s lives together takes time, energy, and a lot of patience. I’ve written about lessons learned from marriage before, and like everything else in life, I will never know everything. I will continue to embrace learning from my marriage, as learning and growing is what makes any marriage stronger.

LESSONS LEARNED FROM MARRIAGE

(1) Marriage isn’t 50-50

This one is big. I used to think marriage was each of us putting in the same amount of effort all the time. That simply isn’t the case. The reality of marriage is that two people will take turns leaning on each other during difficult times. Obstacles will be thrown your way throughout your relationship. It may affect both of you, or something might happen that greatly impacts one of you. Stepping up for the other person is crucial. There will be times I have to shoulder more responsibilities because my husband is struggling. Likewise, there are times when my husband is there for me and will take on more than his share. Doing your best will vary throughout your marriage. Marriage can be 60-40, 80-20, or even 90-10. There is a difference between having a spouse who doesn’t want to put an effort into the marriage and knowing that relationships are a give and take that sway with life.

(2) Intimacy isn’t just about the physical

True intimacy comes from knowing one another in the good, the bad, and the very, very ugly. I have gotten wax out of my husband’s ears, and he has held my hair back when I vomited. Although these are not the stories from which fairy tales were born, they are ones that comes from truly loving and knowing someone. Intimacy is a closeness that comes in many forms, and all of them are an important component of marriage.

(3) Marriage takes work

Marriage isn’t something you should ever take for granted. Like a plant that needs constant water to grow, your marriage needs constant nourishment. For a relationship to flourish, there needs to be effort, consideration, and appreciation for one another. The same effort that goes into any job needs to be put into a marriage, and yes, marriage is a job. It is the hardest job, in my opinion, except for being a parent. Like parenthood, it is a job that brings great joy, but that does not denote the responsibilities and energy it takes to make a marriage work. An important lesson I learned from marriage is to stay committed to being the best spouse possible each day.

(4) The things that initially drew you to your partner often become the things that irritate you the most

This lesson I learned the hard way. My husband was initially drawn to my sensitivity and openness to express my feelings. However, living life with a human ball of feelings is challenging for a person who is used to keeping his feelings private (and often buried). Likewise, I was drawn to my husband’s self-sufficiency and independence, but it is challenging and frustrating that he keeps his feelings to himself. Our differences are what made us appealing to one another, but over time they triggered what we need to work on within ourselves. In other words, I need to work on validating my own feelings instead of looking to him to do that for me, and he needs to work on being more open about his feelings.

(5) The person you married will not be the exact same person in 10, 20, or 30 years

Although we are married, we are each on our own unique path as individuals. That means that we separately evolve and grow with time. The important lesson to learn is that we can grow individually while also growing as a couple. I can love who he was 10 years ago while also loving the man that stands before me today. Working on ourselves is a wonderful thing, and that growth is necessary so that we can become better versions of ourselves. In turn, that makes us a better team.

(6) Accept your spouse

This lesson was another hard one for me to learn. We want to believe that love will change the other person. Nope. Never going to happen. Love can give people the encouragement that they need to better themselves, but that comes from that person wanting to make that change. You cannot make someone else grow. We can only work on ourselves. Supporting and cheering someone on is not the same thing as forcing or demanding anything. I’ve learned that when I work on myself, my marriage improves because things naturally shift. Whenever I start to focus on what my husband isn’t doing or what I wish he’d do differently, tension builds. He feels criticized, and in turn, he starts to dig in his heels and become angry and defensive. I want to be accepted as I am, and my husband deserves the same thing.

(7) Communication is a constant work-in-progress

New obstacles will always come up throughout our lives together. There will always be something new that needs to be voiced. The key is learning to communicate in a way that is both loving and honest. Bottling up your feelings only leads to resentment and hurt. Again, I cannot control if my husband will be receptive to what I say or how he will react, but I am responsible for the way in which I communicate. I am working on taking time to cool down before I initially approach him. When I talk to him from a calmer place, he is naturally more open to what I am saying. Likewise, he is working on understanding that my feelings about a situation aren’t an attack on him. The words you use are important, but it is equally important to be mindful of the way in which you speak to your spouse. 

(8) Your partner doesn’t need to agree with you in order to respect you

This is another biggie in my marriage. There are some things that my husband and I will never agree about. However, feelings are valid regardless of whether or not you feel the same way. We each have our own unique views and experiences, and that shapes our perceptions and emotions. We can have different sentiments about the same experience, and that is okay. They are each valid and each deserve respect and understanding.

(9) Love unconditionally

Your partner isn’t perfect, and neither are you. We all make mistakes, and we will inevitably say or do the wrong thing. There are some lines that should never be crossed, but we all will experience disappointment, anger, and hurt. Love and appreciate your significant other during the good times, and love and appreciate your spouse during the times you want to throw the other person out the window. Love doesn’t make problems go away, but love allows us to work through those problems. In order to truly love someone, we must love all of them.

(10) One team, one dream

I don’t know where I heard that, but it stuck with me. It is something I tell myself when I feel like my husband and I are treating each other like adversaries, as opposed to working together. Kids grow up, people retire, life around us changes. The constant should be your commitment to one another. Even when you have very different views, even when your world seems like it is being turned upside down, remember that you are a team. That means that what hurts your partner hurts you, too (and vice versa). Resolving issues with that in mind is one of the most important lessons I’ve learned in marriage.

(11) Marriage consists of 2 separate people

You each are your own person. It is imperative to retain your own identity separate from your marriage. Maintain your friendships, hobbies, self-care, etc. Many of us get infatuated during the initial honeymoon stage of the relationship. We have complete tunnel vision and obsess about the other person. We love our spouses, but we should not lose ourselves in the process.

(12) Enjoy one another’s company

Spend time together doing things that you both enjoy. We often get so caught up in the day-to-day responsibilities of jobs, children, and obligations that we neglect each other’s company. Maintain your friendship so that your relationship doesn’t merely feel like a business interaction. Like I mentioned before, it all started with the two of you. Remember what drew you together in the first place and make it a priority to spend quality time together.

(13) It’s okay to need help

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. It is okay, and even advantageous to your relationship, to seek external support. That can mean reading marriage books (I personally found learning about the 5 love languages to be incredibly helpful) or seeking marriage counseling. Couples often wait until their marriage is on the rocks to seek help. Even if your marriage is great, learning new tools from an objective third party can only enhance your relationship.

 

 

Life changes. People change. Cherish one another and remember that marriage is an ongoing commitment. Some days will be easier than others, but the lessons learned from marriage is what binds us together, no matter the sands of time.

How to Build Self-Confidence in Yourself and Your Children

Posted on by Randi
how to build self-confidence in yourself

Self-confidence is something we all want to build and something many of us are lacking. It isn’t surprising that we lack confidence as adults. Many of us were told as children that our best was not enough. Others didn’t get any motivation or encouragement to step out of their comfort zone or try something that was challenging. What was once our parents’ voices soon turned into our inner voice/critic. As a result, the story we believe as adults is that we aren’t good enough. The good news is that there are strategies to build self-confidence in yourself and your children.

my struggles with self-confidence

I grew up with a mom that expected perfection. When I was 5 years old, I had a small writing assignment for school. I was extremely proud of what I wrote and showed it to my mother. Her response was to rip it into pieces and instruct me to write it again. That experience rattled me and will forever be imprinted in my mind. The lesson I learned was that I should feel intense shame if my best wasn’t perfection.

My struggle with perfection crept into every facet of my life. In first grade there was a competition that whoever read the most books by the end of the month would get a box of crayons. I was determined to be the winner. So was another girl in the class. Eventually other classmates stopped participating in this contest, but neither me nor this girl would relent. Finally, the teacher stopped the contest and declared that we both were the winners.

I defined myself and my value based on how well I did in school.

I would beat myself up over any mistake I made. In my mind, nothing other than an A was an option. Eventually my mother told me that I didn’t have to get top grades as long as I was trying. By this point her words rang on deaf ears; the bell could not be unrung. I was terrified of not getting the top grades in exams and I was ridden with anxiety every time I had to write a report or do a presentation. I always agonized that I wasn’t good enough despite the number of times that was proven to be untrue.

Shame, not self-confidence, became my constant companion. I feared everything because I didn’t believe that trying was what was most important. In my mind, if the result was unsuccessful, the effort was worthless.

the inner critic that creates guilt and shame

Regardless of our childhood circumstances, I know that many of you live with that same inner critic. If we try something and it isn’t a success, we beat ourselves up over it rather than feel proud of ourselves for trying. It only reinforces that we shouldn’t put ourselves out there or reaffirms our belief that we are failures.

It is often easier to look at the laundry list of mistakes or flops rather than focus on how hard we tried or the things we did well.

This way of thinking starts to take on a life of its own, and eventually we tell ourselves that we are failures instinctually.

When we speak and feel this way about ourselves, is it any wonder that our voice becomes the inner voice of our own children? It is an endless cycle of guilt, shame, and self-contempt. In order to teach our children to have self-confidence, flaws and all, we first have to believe that about ourselves.

What if we changed our inner voice? Told ourselves that we are enough just as we are? Applauded our efforts rather than our successes? What if we recognized that what matters most is putting ourselves out there? What if our determination and resiliency was how we judged ourselves rather than a tally of achievements?

ways to build self-confidence in ourselves

Obviously, this is much easier said than done. Stopping and changing the story we have told ourselves constantly isn’t going to magically vanish. Luckily, there are ways of building self-confidence in ourselves and our children:

(1) Change your inner dialogue

Our inner voice is determined to rear its ugly head any time we feel guilt or shame. We can counter those thoughts by putting new ones there. Each time that we try something, no matter what the outcome, we need to acknowledge that putting ourselves out there is an accomplishment in of itself. Showing up and trying is something to be proud of. Counter your thoughts of shame with thoughts of recognition for how hard you try.

This way of thinking applies to our children as well. Instead of commending our children for their grades on a test, applaud them when you see they are studying and taking it seriously. Acknowledge the effort, not the result. Success isn’t a guarantee, but it takes great courage to put oneself out there and try. Our children deserve recognition for the journey instead of the destination.

(2) Fake it until you make it

This new message that you are telling yourself doesn’t align with the inner critic you’ve lived with for years. It takes time to truly feel what you are now saying. Reaffirm this new way of thinking with mantras such as “I am enough,” “I can do hard things,” and “I am brave,” and say them to yourself and your child. Counter those shameful thoughts with confident ones.

Make a list of these affirmations with your child. Explain that this list is to be used daily and when we feel badly about ourselves or are afraid to try. Let your children see that you are using this list and encourage them to use it as well.

(3) Don’t give up

I remind myself and my daughter that no matter how many times we get knocked down, all we can do is keep picking ourselves up. It is inevitable that we will make mistakes. What we do with those mistakes is what matters.

I wrote a children’s book, and the road to getting an agent is far harder than what I anticipated. My daughter has seen me send query letter after query letter. She has asked me why I don’t give up. I told her that some of my greatest accomplishments are the ones I had to work at the most to achieve. My hope is that my daughter sees that what truly matters is perseverance and believing in yourself.

(4) Instead of focusing on your failures, make a list of the things you accomplished despite feeling afraid or self-conscious.

Ask your child to make a list of things he/she worked hard to achieve. The next time you or your child feel badly about yourself, look at the list of reminders of how brave you are. Remind yourself and your children that it takes great courage to put yourself out there.

 

(5) We all have strengths and weaknesses

We are human, so we are flawed. It is inevitable that there will always be someone that is able to do something better than us. As a recovering perfectionist, I remind myself and my daughter that all we can strive for is to be the best versions of ourselves. Perfection isn’t the goal, but courage and strength of conviction is everything.

(6) Self-care is necessary to incorporate into our life and our routine

Encourage your children to explore what they enjoy and to devote time to it. Our emotional well-being is the foundation for learning to love ourselves.

(7) Don’t rely on others to validate you and feel proud of you

Feel proud of yourself for trying regardless of what others say and do. Remind yourself and your children that there are people that will try to say and do things to make you feel badly about yourself. It is imperative to be your own supporter and cheerleader.

I remind my daughter often that she is not defined by any labels. She is defined by who she is as a person. That means that she should strive for inner beauty instead of focusing on her appearance. My hope is that she believes in herself as much as I believe in her.

(8) Be your own friend

When I feel shame or guilt, I often ask myself what I would say to my friend if the same thing was happening to her. I tend to give others far more support and understanding than I give to myself.

When I notice my daughter is being hard on herself, I ask her what she would say to her friend if that person was in the same situation. I then ask her to say those words to herself. That often helps her to put things into perspective.

Giving kindness and compassion to ourselves is crucial in building self-confidence. We need a gentle reminder that we deserve better than how we are treating ourselves.

 

 

The journey to building self-confidence is a long and difficult one. There will be easier days as well as days that are more challenging. Be mindful of the story you tell yourself and the example you are setting for your children. It is inevitable that we will fall down along the way, but like everything in life, we must pick ourselves up and try again. You are enough. We are enough just as we are.

The 7 Types of Self-Care and How to Incorporate Them Into Your Life

Posted on by Randi
types of self-care

Self-care is something that many of us take for granted. We are so busy taking care of others, that we often neglect our own well-being. The saying that you can’t pour from an empty cup is so true. Without self-care, we experience burnout, resentment, overwhelm, anxiety, and fatigue. There are 7 types of self-care, and it is important to incorporate them into our routine.

What are the 7 types of self-care?

(1) Emotional self-care

Processing our emotions in a healthy way is key. Having self-compassion and practicing healthy coping mechanisms allows us to feel whatever it is we are feeling without judgment. This is necessary to regulate our feelings.

Examples of emotional self-care
  • Setting boundaries with others– Communicating our emotional needs to others allows us to prioritize our emotions and have healthy relationships with others. (theblissfullmind.com, 2021)
  • Positive affirmations– Write down  or say aloud affirmations or mantras that help you to regulate your emotions.
  • Journaling about your feelings and experiences– Writing is an excellent outlet for our feelings, and it helps us to process them.
  • Challenging your inner critic– The stories and belief systems engrained in us from childhood are often false. Challenging that pesky voice that tells you that you aren’t good enough is necessary to be kinder to yourself.
  • Asking for help when you need it– Being attuned to when we need assistance prevents overwhelm and burnout
  • Talk to a therapist– Speak to a therapist about your feelings and triggers. Having better understanding of your emotions goes a long way towards self-compassion and learning ways to manage your feelings in a healthy way.
  • Breathing exercises– This practice can be incredibly helpful towards regulating emotions.
  • Speaking kindly to yourself– Learning how to be your own friend is necessary in order to replace unhealthy coping mechanisms and to react to your feelings in a constructive way.

(2) Physical Self-care

This type of self-care involves anything that helps with your physical well-being. This allows you to boost your energy and strengthen your immune system.

Examples of physical self-care
  • Getting enough sleep– Set a regular bedtime so that you can get a minimum of 7 hours of sleep a day.
  • Be active– Taking care of your body is crucial for your physical well-being. This can be done through yoga, Pilates, walking, running, bike riding, dancing, etc.
  • Go to the doctor– Make sure you get regular doctor and dentist visits, as well as other medical checks (e.g., eye doctor). When there are health concerns, do not hesitate to make an appointment with a doctor.
  • Nourish your body– Eat healthy foods and take necessary vitamins.
  • Stay hydrated– We are so busy that we often forget the importance of drinking fluids.
  • Practice proper hygiene– Wash your hands regularly, including after using the bathroom, before meals, and after blowing your nose. Also, sneeze and cough into your elbow, change your toothbrush every 3 months (or after you are sick), and sanitize doorknobs, remote controls, and light switches.
  • Know your limits– If you are feeling sick, it’s important to stop working and/or exerting yourself as much as possible. Sometimes we have no choice but to keep going, but be mindful of how your body is feeling and set limits accordingly.
  • Take your medication– If your doctor prescribed you a medication, follow the directions on the label and take it as prescribed.

(3) Mental/Intellectual Self-Care

Challenging your mind and being open to learning new things is crucial for our well-being as well. This ensures that we keep growing, no matter our age.

Examples of Mental/Intellectual Self-Care
  • Having a growth mindset– Seeing new challenges as an opportunity for growth rather than feeling badly about what we don’t know allows us to be lifelong learners.
  • Reading– We open our minds to a world of new things when we read.
  • Learn a new skill– Whether it’s playing a musical instrument or learning how to cook, acquiring new skills allows us to keep our mind sharp.
  • Writing – Writing allows us to tap into our creativity and stimulate our minds. (theblissfullmind.com, 2021)
  • Challenge your brain– Do a logic puzzle, a brain teaser, or anything that makes you challenge your cognition.

(4) Social Self-Care

Nurturing our relationships with others allows us to have support and companionship, which is necessary as human beings. Having healthy relationships with other people goes a long way towards our own well-being. Life is incredibly hectic and a constant juggling act, and there is no right or wrong amount of time to spend with others. It is up to each of us to figure out what our social needs are, and to create time for them in a way that enhances our life, as opposed to feeling like it is an extra obligation.

Examples of social self-care
  • Get rid of toxic relationships– Relationships that are harmful to your well-being should be ended. I’m not saying you should end relationships because of a disagreement, but if there is a pattern of behavior that is hurtful and continues despite discussing how you feel, it is better off to sever ties.
  • Schedule times to talk on the phone or meet in-person– Life can get overwhelming and plans to speak or meet up can get pushed off if there isn’t something set.
  • Have a date night– If you have kids, it is easy to neglect the relationship with your significant other. Even if you can’t find a sitter, have an indoor date night after the kids have gone to sleep. It will do wonders for your well-being, as well as your relationship. (healthcoachinstitute.com, 2021)
  • Choose quality over quantity– You may not have a ton of time, but even a few minutes of checking-in or sending a text are helpful to maintain relationships.
  • Setting boundaries with others– In order to have healthy relationships, it is important to be honest about our needs and limits. For example- telling your friends that you won’t answer the phone after 10pm, telling your mom that questions about when you are getting married are off-limits.
  • Get creative– You can invite friends along with you while you run, have a group zoom call, or chat on the phone while you are picking up your kids from school.

(5) Spiritual Self-Care

Despite what the name implies, this does not necessarily mean religion. This type of self-care means anything that enhances your soul and your purpose in life. The way that one connects with their inner spirit will differ from person to person.

Examples of spiritual self-care
  • Spending time in nature– Taking walks, sitting in your backyard, or going camping are all ways to connect with the outdoors. (healthcoachinstitute.com, 2021)
  • Get involved in a meaningful cause– Become a part of something that you believe in, whether it is volunteering at an animal shelter, doing fundraising, or giving to charity.
  • Connecting with a power greater than yourself– That can mean prayer, attending a religious service, discovering what inspires you, or meditation.
  • Identify your values– Figure out your beliefs, and be open to challenging beliefs that don’t serve you.

(6) Professional Self-care

Finding a healthy work-life balance is crucial for our self-care. Whether you work full-time, part-time, or are a Stay-at-Home-Mom (which is a job as well!), there still needs to be time set aside for you that is separate from your obligations throughout the day. (developgoodhabits.com, 2021)

types of self care

Examples of professional self-care
  • Take short breaks throughout the day– Even 5 minutes to yourself every few hours is important to decompress and reduce overwhelm.
  • Set a reminder to take a lunch break– Whether you are busy on a work project or chasing after kids, it is necessary to stay well-nourished.
  • Turn your phone off after a certain time– Not answering emails or scrolling through your phone after an allotted time allows you to relax and unwind.
  • Say no when needed– Do not bite off more than you can chew. Learning to say no to things allows you to say yes to the things that bring you joy.
  • Keep lists– Writing your obligations down and staying organized ensures that you remember what you need to do and that you won’t procrastinate.

(7) Environmental Self-Care

Taking care of the spaces around you helps you to be more efficient and to also reduce stress. It also creates a sense of belonging and comfort.

Examples of environmental self-care
  • Organizing your workspace– Whether it’s putting family pictures on the desk or organizing your drawers, make sure that your space promotes calmness.
  • Cleaning your house– Taking the time to tidy up creates a sense of control and belonging where you live.
  • Delete unnecessary emails– Reduce a cluttered inbox by deleting things that are simply taking up space.
  • Sooth your senses– Put on comfortable clothes, listen to relaxing music, dim the lights, and/or eat your favorite food.
  • Planning– This can mean meal-prep, setting out clothes in advance, or creating a budget.

 

 

There is more to self-care than bubble baths and messages. The truth is that your well-being needs to be prioritized in all aspects of your life. Use this list and the examples provided as a guide for what type of self-care you might be neglecting. Although all areas are important, take your time incorporating additional types of self-care into your routine. See which ones need your attention more and focus on those. Your needs may differ month by month, week by week, or even day by day. The goal is to find a self-care routine that enhances your quality of life and helps you to find balance. Remember that incorporating a new routine will not happen overnight, and an important component of self-care is to show yourself compassion and grace.

P.S. If you are looking for further support to implement self-care, don’t forget to print out my FREE self-care worksheets!

 

How to Stop Being Codependent in Your Relationships

Posted on by Randi
how do i stop being codependent

If you missed my story of how I learned to break codependency and stop being codependent, you can read about it here. I also suggest reading the book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie.

Codependency is not your fault. The good news is that the things we learned as children do not have to be repeated in adulthood. We can break being codependent and practice a healthier way of having relationships.

The first step is to take a step back from anything that is out of your control. Whether it is your mom, your sibling, your friend, your spouse, or even your child, there are certain things that are simply not within our power (or are right) to fix. This is difficult, but crucial.

Stop codependency by creating healthy boundaries 

Establish clear boundaries so that you can be supportive, loving, and encouraging, but not at the expense of your well-being or happiness. Others are entitled to make their own choices, regardless of whether you agree with those choices are not. Likewise, you get to take control of your happiness and make your own choices. 

Getting your power back and claiming responsibility for your well-being is not an easy task. It is something that is very much ingrained in our way of thinking and acting. I have to remind myself often that my husband’s sobriety is his responsibility. I am grateful that he has been sober for the last four years, but his sobriety is a choice that he has to make each day.

Healthy relationships require boundaries, which is foreign to many of us. Boundaries are essential so that you can stay in your lane, while clearly expressing what you need for your relationship. You are the only one that can determine which boundaries are needed for your well-being.

Make a list of boundaries, and decide which ones are requests and which ones are non-negotiable. Have an open and honest conversation about your boundaries and allow others to do the same. After all, boundaries are a two-way street.

If a boundary is crossed, then it’s your decision whether to discuss and reinstate the boundary, or if you need to walk away. You cannot force others to respect and provide what you need in a relationship, but you can respect yourself. It is also crucial to understand that you cannot save others, but you can save yourself. This is how you break being codependent.

practice self-care and focus on your needs

 

Next, stop codependency by focusing on what you want and need to feel good about yourself, completely separate from anyone else. What brings YOU joy? What are YOUR hobbies? Who are YOU as a person? For me, starting this blog has been incredibly healing because it is something that I do that is separate from being a wife and a mom. It is something I am passionate about, and I feel good knowing that I am trying to help others and give support, without trying to change or fix anyone.

It’s a good idea to take time to write down your thoughts and feelings. Keeping a journal gives you an opportunity to focus on your feelings and brainstorm ideas. Speak to a therapist and read books about codependency to help you on your healing journey. Discover your own identity.

journal prompts

I cannot stress enough that Rome was not built in a day. It will take time to learn new patterns of behavior. It is important to show yourself love and compassion as you navigate the foreign territory of breaking codependent behavior.

Just as codependency is not healthy, the polar opposite isn’t either. Being completely independent doesn’t translate into having genuine relationships. If you aren’t allowing yourself to be vulnerable, then your relationships will lack true intimacy. It is important to have your own identity separate from the ones you love; however, putting up walls and not letting anyone in is the same wolf in sheep’s clothing. Love is about sharing the deepest parts of yourself with another, but not expecting someone to save you.

create interdependence and stop being codependent in your relationships

Interdependence is the goal of any healthy relationship. It allows us to love and support each other, while not expecting the other one to make us feel whole or to change who they are.

My husband and I are each whole on our own, and we have the choice to grow individually and as a couple. That means that if I am feeling sad and hurt, I first try to comfort myself and give myself what I need before I share my feelings with him. I give him the space to try to understand my perspective without forcing him to say or do anything.

Stop codependency by remembering that your happiness is up to you. Just as you can’t save or change anyone, it isn’t anyone’s responsibility to save or fix you. Work on yourself and allow others the opportunity to do the same. Remember to establish clear boundaries to break being codependent. This allows others to choose their own path and make their own choices, but you control what you do with that choice. You also get to choose your own path and healing journey.

Show love and kindness to yourself and your feelings. Your feelings, thoughts, hopes, and dreams are important and have value because they are yours. Respect and honor them even if others do not.

Interdependence is a foreign concept for many, but a way of living that is possible for all of us. Change can be scary, and there will be many hiccups along the way. The good news? You can learn to stop being codependent and get to be the hero of your own story.

The Mom Guilt Guide: Recognizing It and How To Overcome It

Posted on by Randi
how to overcome mom guilt

If you are a parent, it is very likely that you’ve experienced guilt. Once I became a mom, I experienced guilt that I never knew was possible. It is something that often goes hand-in-hand with parenting. Guilt is healthy when it motivates us to grow and learn, but it can become problematic when it takes on a life of its own. Luckily, we can learn how to overcome mom guilt and decrease those feelings.

What is Mom Guilt?

Mom guilt is a feeling that moms experience regarding their role as a mother. Although guilt can be experienced by dad as well (aka dad guilt), it tends to affect women more.  It can be feelings of worry or regret that you’ve done something wrong, didn’t do it well enough, or did something that will affect your kids. Mom guilt can be fleeting and/or pervasive and can be based on both short-term and long-term decisions.

Guilt is often due to a behavior, which in turn, causes feelings of shame about oneself. This shame causes self-judgment and negative thoughts and beliefs. The guilt and resulting shame cause other feelings and behaviors. In other words, mom guilt can be a perpetuating cycle of guilt, shame, and self-criticism (mindfulreturn.com, 2017).

What causes it?

There are several possible causes of mom guilt:

(1) Postpartum depression

Guilt can be a major symptom of postpartum depression. A staggering 1 in 7 women experience postpartum depression or anxiety (mindfulreturn.com, 2017). Moms who are experiencing postpartum depression may feel numb and disconnected from their child, which can cause feelings of inadequacy as a parent. It can also make simple tasks incredibly difficult to accomplish due to a lack of energy. This all results in tremendous amounts of guilt.

(2) Working moms

Working mom guilt is a specific type of mom guilt due to working. They either are unable to stay at home or choose to go to work, causing them to feel guilt about being away from their kids. They feel guilty about putting effort into something besides being a mother. There can also be feelings of guilt if they miss their kids and/or feelings of guilt if they enjoy being away from their kids (funlovingfamilies.com, 2021).

causes of mom guilt

(3) Anxiety disorders

Those with anxiety disorders experience anxiety excessively, which can cause them to experience intense and frequent feelings of mom guilt (funlovingfamilies.com, 2021)

(4) Perfectionism

Mom guilt can occur even if nothing was done to warrant it. Moms often have a notion that we are supposed to be perfect in our parenting roles. As a result, we set impossible standards for ourselves that make us feel guilty and like failures when they aren’t achieved.

(5) Comparing ourselves to others

Comparisons to other moms, either ones we know or through social media, can cause us to feel guilt and inferiority.

(6) Actual mistakes

If we do something wrong, we feel guilty. We want our kids to be happy, and anything we do that negatively affects them can make us feel guilty.

(7) Our identity is tied to motherhood

We invest so much of who we are into our role as a mom, that we often don’t separate the two. Therefore, our success (or failures) as a mom is associated with our own sense of self-worth and value as a person.

(8) External pressures

Family member, friends, neighbors, and other moms can insert themselves into our decision making. Recommendations from doctors and parenting specialists can cause us to feel mom guilt with tips such as “breast is best” and “screen time is harmful.” They can put pressure on us, which makes us feel inadequate and believe that we aren’t making the right choices for our children.

(9) Personal insecurities

If you already had issues with not feeling like you were good enough before kids, this will only amplify when you are a mom. The faulty belief systems we had prior to becoming parents will rear their ugly heads tenfold when becoming a parent. Parenting will test our insecurities and bring everything to the surface.

(10) Internal pressure

We love our children so much and feel responsible for their success and failures. As a result, we feel guilt and fear that we will cause damage to them due to our mistakes.

What are the symptoms?

Mom guilt can manifest itself in many forms:

  • Depression and/or anxiety– feelings of sadness, intensive worry, anger, and
  • Reduction in dopamine (funlovingfamilies.com, 2021)
  • Perfectionism– this can be exhibited by overcompensating by appearing as if you are perfect, or it can be perpetual feelings that you need to be a perfect mom
  • Negative thoughts– thoughts that you aren’t good enough, aren’t doing enough, or are a failure as a mom.
  • Doing too much– moms often feel that they need to do more to be better moms. Unfortunately, this way of thinking and behaving usually leads to burnout.
  • Addictive behaviors– in order to avoid the feelings of guilt, a mom may turn to drinking, drugs, gambling, overspending, or other addictive tendencies (mindfulreturn.com, 2020).
  • Exhaustion– constant feelings of guilt can take a toll physically and cause extreme fatigue
  • Physically sick– chronic mom guilt can cause your immune system to become compromised (funlovingfamilies.com, 2021)

How can I overcome mom guilt?

Here are strategies on how to overcome mom guilt:

(1) Determine its origin

The first step to overcome mom guilt is to understand where it stems from. Is it a particular topic that causes mom guilt or does it stem from your own childhood experiences with your parents? Did you experience trauma that is impacting your feelings?

Use a journal and keep track of when you feel mom guilt. You can determine if there are any patterns that emerge. Once you’ve established the cause of mom guilt, you can be mindful of your triggers (healthline.com, 2020).

(2) Challenge your inner critic

Gain awareness into why you feel that way. Did you actually do something wrong or is it an irrational thought or belief that is causing your mom guilt? If you did something, can you work on it and improve and/or apologize?

Jot down the statements that pop into your head when you are feeling mom guilt, and then read them aloud. Talk to yourself as you would a friend and challenge those statements if they are stemming from your inner critic. Next, combat your negative statements by writing down more reasonable ones. You can also write down positive affirmations to challenge your inner critic.

Example of inner critic statement- I am a terrible mom because I wasn’t available to play with Johnny when he asked me to play with him.

More reasonable statement- I know I can’t always be available to play with Johnny, but I can set aside quality time to play with him every day.

Guilt often makes us feel paralyzed and helpless. Sometimes there is an underlying solution if we look passed our feelings and see the situation in its actuality.

(3) Name your mom guilt 

It can often be difficult to overcome the faulty beliefs and stories we tell ourselves. A way to put our inner critic in its proper place is to name it. Although it might seem silly, it makes it easier to combat that voice that tells you that you are failing as a mom and recognize its foolishness. (funlovingfamilies.com, 2021)

For example: “Samantha, stop telling me that I’m not good enough. You’re bothering me.”

(4) Forgive yourself

It is important to recognize that perfection is impossible and torturing yourself with guilt will not change anything. You will inevitably make mistakes, and by setting impossible standards, you will negatively affect your mental health and your relationship with your kids.

Forgive yourself for your mistakes and strive for a growth mentality. Remind yourself and your kids that being a human being means having flaws. None of us are perfect, but we can own up to our mistakes and do our best. This sets a good example for your kids to give themselves compassion and to not seek perfection.

(5) Stop the comparison game

We all have our own set our unique experiences and challenges. We never know what others are facing. Focus on being the best mom you can be instead of comparing yourself to others.

Take a break from social media if you feel that there is too much pressure. Also, do your own part in stopping comparison by supporting other moms, regardless of whether their parenting beliefs are different than yours.

(6) Avoid judgmental people

Surround yourself by those that will support you, regardless of their own personal choices. Additionally, distance yourself from those that criticize and judge you. Stand up for your choices and walk away from anyone that continues to insert their beliefs onto you.

(7) Trust your own instincts and do what is best for your own child

Despite the saying that it takes a village to raise a child, you are still the mom. You know what is in the best interest of your child. Don’t let other people influence your choices and trust your own instincts. There is not a one-size-fits-all way to parent, and every child is unique. What may work well for one child doesn’t have to be best for another. Do what is in the best interest of your child and recognize what areas can be improved based on each of your child’s needs.

(8) Practice self-care

A crucial part of overcoming mom guilt is to prioritize your mental wellness. Being the best version of yourself allows you to be the best mom (and person) you can be. Neglecting your self-care affects you emotionally and physically, which will impact your relationships with others. Taking care of yourself improves your relationships with your kids, and it also teaches them the importance of prioritizing their own well-being.

(9) Celebrate your triumphs

We are often so focused on the “should haves” “did nots” and “supposed tos” that we don’t take the time to applaud our achievements. It is crucial to recognize the positive things we do each day instead of harping on the negative ones. Mom guilt can be counterproductive because it sends a message to our children that our efforts are never enough. Practice being your own cheerleader in front of your kids and encourage them to do the same for themselves. It is important to work on ourselves and grow; however, recognizing things we can improve upon is not the same thing as being consumed with feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

(10) Seek professional help

If you find that your guilt is overwhelming despite your best efforts, please do not hesitate to contact a professional.

Takeaway: Managing Mom Guilt 

Humans feel a range of emotions. Guilt is something that in small doses can motivate us and indicate areas that we can work upon. However, extreme amounts of mom guilt are not beneficial to us or our children. In times of stress and uncertainty, it is easy to look at ourselves and the list of things that we want to do better. However, life is filled with difficulties, and therefore our expectations must shift accordingly.

We love and want what is best for our children. Ironically, allowing ourselves to be consumed with guilt often interferes with our intentions to do right by our children. It also prevents us from savoring motherhood. Showing ourselves kindness, compassion, empathy, and grace is not only in our own best-interest, but it models for our kids how they should treat themselves. It is a win-win.

I hope this article helps you to overcome some of your mom guilt. You are capable, and you are doing the best you can. Trust yourself and know that motherhood is hard for all of us. Your unconditional love is what matters most to your kids. Enjoy motherhood instead of trying to perfect it.

10 Ways to Overcome the Perfectionism and Procrastination Connection

Posted on by Randi

I have wanted to discuss the connection between perfectionism and procrastination for some time. However, I find research-based topics to be quite daunting. It is an arduous task to gather numerous sources, compile the information, write an outline, draft, edit, etc. As a recovering perfectionist, I want the content I put out to be comprehensive, detailed, and accurate. I push myself to be the very best in everything that I do, often going past the point of exhaustion. As a result, I find myself now writing about this topic months after I initially planned to do so. I am an example of how perfectionism and procrastination go hand-in-hand. This article will explain perfectionism and procrastination, as well as how to overcome the perfectionism and procrastination connection.

What is Perfectionism?

Perfectionists set extremely high standards. Self-worth is contingent on those unrealistic achievements. Perfectionism stems from a fear of failure and judgement. False belief systems make us feel that we aren’t good enough. We also often feel that others will judge us as not good enough.

Perfectionists are often sensitive to any forms of criticism, seeing any type of negative feedback as an indication of a lack of ability. There is often a black and white way of thinking, meaning that we believe that if we do not achieve perfection, we are failures. The inability to achieve these lofty standards causes stress and overwhelm. There is often performance anxiety and anticipatory anxiety. We feel incredible anxiety about not achieving the standards we set for ourselves, and this anxiety causes fear starting and completing tasks. The consequence of not achieving perfection is also seen in the mind of a perfectionist as catastrophic.

Even when perfectionists meet their goals, the feelings of success and accomplishment are temporary. In the mind of a perfectionist, there is always more that needs to be accomplished. The self-worth of a perfectionist is unstable, as it is contingent on results. Ultimately, perfectionists are setting themselves up to fail, as perfection is unattainable. 

What is procrastination?

Procrastination is an example of the Flight response, as it is done to avoid a threat (i.e., a task seen as challenging or unattainable). Procrastinators will put off making decisions, will give up prematurely, or will delay beginning a task (The Skill Collective, 2021). Due to discomfort about the task, procrastinators choose to put things off.

Procrastination stems from a variety of factors, including indecisiveness, lack of focus, lack of self-confidence, and task anxiety (webstandardssharpa.com, 2014). Procrastinators often feel shame about their behavior, which only perpetuates the procrastination. They don’t want to face their discomfort, so they continue to procrastinate, only furthering their shame and their discomfort.   

overcoming perfectionism and procrastination

What is the perfectionism-procrastination connection?

Perfectionists feel great anxiety about not achieving their goals. Procrastination allows perfectionists to not have to face their own anxiety regarding failure. As a result, something less threatening is done instead. However, procrastination causes its own feelings of shame, only perpetuating the perfectionistic way of thinking.  We avoid because we are not perfect, and avoiding only reflects our imperfections. Anxiety and shame are the constant companions of perfectionists and procrastinators.

Procrastination is often a symptom of perfection. That said, not all perfectionists are procrastinators, and not all procrastinators are perfectionists. However, for many people, perfectionism and procrastination are connected, known as the perfectionism-procrastination infinite loop (The Skill Collective, 2021).

The perfectionism-procrastination loop is:

  • you have perfectionistic standards
  • there is a fear of failure
  • there is great discomfort regarding an unsuccessful outcome
  • this discomfort causes fear
  • imperfection and discomfort are avoided by procrastinating

WE FEEL STUCK.

Ultimately, we stay in this loop because we never have to test our faulty belief system of not being good enough. If we procrastinate and perform well, it reinforces our procrastination because we can imagine that our potential wasn’t fully reached. If we perform badly, we can attribute it to time constraints and not our actual potential (which protects our fear of failure). This will also result in a continuance of this loop.

How do we overcome the perfectionism and procrastination connection?

 

Ultimately, the only way to end this loop is by changing our way of thinking regarding perfection and procrastination. Whether you consider yourself a perfectionist, a procrastinator, or both, these strategies are helpful:

(1) Lower expectations

It is necessary to re-examine the standards that we set for ourselves. This starts by understanding that there is a difference between excellence and perfection. Excellence is attainable through practice and experience, as well as developing confidence over time. Perfection is unattainable and fosters negative feelings from mistakes, regardless of excellence.

Remind your inner critic that some things are more difficult and harder to achieve than others, and THAT IS OKAY. Having a growth mindset instead of a fixed one allows us to see flaws as opportunities to learn and grow, as opposed to catastrophic thinking. It is great to have an end-goal in mind, but make sure that it is healthy (a realistic outcome) and remember that it will take time to get there.  

(2) Challenge your black-and-white way of thinking

The next time you feel anxious about a task, make a list of the best-case scenario, worst-case scenario, and a realistic-scenario. By breaking it down, it helps us to realize unrealistic expectations and visualize a more attainable outcome.

(3) Schedule your goals

Certain tasks and goals can feel quite overwhelming. Break them into smaller, more attainable goals. Instead of doing everything at once, break the task into realistic steps and schedule time in advance to do so. This will allow you to accomplish things in a more manageable way, and it gives you the opportunity to applaud your accomplishments along the way. This will help you to feel more motivated while also combatting procrastination. There are various ways to assigning time to complete a task (www.webstandardssherpa.com, 2014):

  • Set aside 5-10 minutes – set an alarm for 5-10 minutes and tell yourself that you will stop when the alarm goes off. This small amount of time is non-threatening and will help you to face your fears about starting something.
  • The Pomodoro Technique or Merlin Mann’s productivity technique– Both techniques involve setting an amount of time to focus your attention on a task and then taking a break. The Pomodoro Technique is setting a timer for 25 minutes, working until the timer goes off, taking a five- minute break, and then repeating the whole process another four times. After the 4th cycle, you take a 15-30-minute break. Merlin Mann’s technique is working for 10 minutes with a two-minute break for five cycles (altogether an hour).   
  • Choose your own amount of time– determine in advance how much time you will devote to a task, as well as the amount of time for breaks. Whatever you choose, make sure to follow through.
  • Schedule a task for a specific day– Put it on your calendar, and you can incorporate one of the set times above. pomodoro technique

(4) Set boundaries

We often feel the need to please everyone. When we say “yes” to too much, this only increases our feelings of overwhelm. This will fuel the self-destructive cycle of perfectionism and procrastination. When we start to say no to things that we don’t have time for, we can make time for the things we want to do. Adding activities that bring us joy is important for our well-being and for having a healthy balance of demands and enjoyment.

(5) Reward yourself

Make a daily list of the tasks you want to accomplish, no matter how small. Make sure to take the time to applaud your achievements when you are done. Whether it is taking out the trash or finishing a household project, treat yourself afterwards. That can mean reading a book, listening to music for a few minutes, or sitting down on the couch and relaxing.  It also breaks up the day and reminds you that you deserve positive reinforcement for your effort (www.healthline.com, 2019).

(6) Practice mindfulness

Recognize how your body is feeling as you are taking on tasks. Remind yourself that you are safe and that it is okay to not be perfect. Check-in with yourself throughout and take time to do breathing exercises or other grounding activities to manage your anxiety (www.healthline.com, 2019).

(7) Eliminate distractions

Put away anything that can interfere with your focus. That includes your phone, iPad, etc. Gather the necessary materials to complete your task and go somewhere free of interruptions.

(8) Mind tricks

Prepare to do something instead of actually doing it. That can mean jotting down ideas for a research project or doing an online search for topics. Once you start on the task, it is usually easier to continue it. By combatting your anticipatory anxiety, you are already on your way to accomplishing your task. You can also make a list of all the tasks you want to accomplish, in order of importance. Even if you don’t pick the most important one, you are still being proactive and not procrastinating (www.webstandardssherpa.com, 2014) .

Mindset shift

(9) Start a task without having everything

If you wait for everything to be in order to begin a task, you can always come up with reasons to procrastinate. Instead, begin something knowing that there are missing pieces. You will gather the necessary information along the way, but starting on it helps reinforce the belief that it doesn’t have to be perfect.

(10) Give yourself compassion

The standards we set for ourselves make us our own worst enemies. The next time you finish a project, look it over as if someone else had done it. Tell yourself the same words of support as you would another. Compassion also means that we should focus on our own achievements and not compare ourselves to others.  We should applaud our efforts instead of focusing on the results. Remember that mistakes do not make us failures, they make us human.

 

 

Perfectionism and procrastination are a way of thinking and behaving that stems from our belief system. It is not something that happened overnight, and it is not something that will go away overnight. Understanding why we do things the way we do goes a long way towards change. Remember that there will often be two steps back for every one-step forward along this journey. Like everything else in life, setbacks are inevitable. Be proud of yourself for your self-awareness and commitment to overcome perfectionism and procrastination.

What is a Highly Sensitive Person and 16 Self-Care Tips and Strategies

Posted on by Randi
what is a highly sensitive person

If I had a dime for every time I labeled myself or was described as “incredibly sensitive,” I’d be rich. In fact, I spent my entire life feeling like I was viewing the world through a very different lens than others. Now I know that there is a term to describe my sensitivity, known as a highly sensitive person (HSP). Unsure of what that means? Look no further. This post delves into the characteristics of the highly sensitive person and specific forms of self-care for HSPs.

What is a highly sensitive person?

Highly sensitive person was first researched in 1991 by psychologist Dr. Elaine Aron. HSP describes a personality trait that affects 15-20% of the population. Also known as Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS), this term describes those with increased central nervous system sensitivity.  This sensitivity can be physical, emotional, and social.  As a result, people with this type of personality process information very deeply and have an increased awareness to stimuli in their environment (highlysensitiverefuge.com, 2019) .

It is important to note that HSP is NOT considered a disorder or diagnosis. Sensitivity is a personality trait, and HSPs experience sensitivity more than the average person. Although Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) may have overlapping symptoms with HSP, they are not interchangeable (verywellmind.com, 2020).

How do I know if I’m an HSP?

Dr. Aron came up with a self-test, “Are you highly sensitive?”  There are 27 statements, and if more than 14 of them are true, then you are likely a highly sensitive person. There is a separate test for children. This includes 23 statements, and if 13 or more of those statements are true (mostly true or was once true for a long period of time), then it is likely your child is highly sensitive. You can access both tests here.

It should be noted that with all personality tests, there is nothing that can definitively determine HSP. As with all personality tests, these are meant to give you a deeper understanding of yourself and/or your child (hsperson.com, 1996).

According to Dr. Aron, there are 4 aspects of high sensitivity, which almost every HSP will have, known as D.O.E.S. (sharonselby.com, 2020):

(1) Depth of processing

HSPs often take time to think things over. They are conscientious and thorough, reflecting on their experiences and giving detailed answers. I overanalyze situations and encounters with others. I do this when trying to figure out solutions to problems, and also when reflecting on what was said to me and what I said to others.

(2) Overstimulation

HSPs experience over arousal/ overstimulation due to some or all of their five senses. Examples of this can be feeling overwhelmed due to noises, large crowds, and/or new places. I can trace this back to when I was a child, complaining to my mother that the kids on the bus were too noisy. I would feel overwhelmed by loud noises and sounds. As an adult, I still get overwhelmed due to sensory overload, and large crowds and changes are very stressful.

(3) Emotional reactivity and empathy

HSPs are emotionally reactive to both positive and negative situations and experiences. They feel more and are deeply moved by the world around them. This can mean avoiding violence on TV, crying at commercials, and empathizing with other people’s feelings.

This aspect of HSP resonated with me the most. I feel EVERYTHING, good and bad. I appreciate every kind gesture and word, and am often moved to tears. The beauty of the world touches my heart. That sensitivity applies to negatives as well. I literally run from the room when I hear the music for ASPCA. I have cried hysterically at images of suffering. I cry at every single movie I have ever watched (this can be happy tears and/or sad tears), and I cry at too many commercials and songs to count. Although not all HSPs are empaths (which is different than having empathy, which HSPs possess greatly), I am both an HSP and an empath. This means that I can sense what others are feeling, and I feel their feelings too.

(4) Sensing the subtle

This can be subtle changes in a room such as lighting, or it can mean picking up on a person’s intricacies. HSPs are perceptive, and children like this are often considered wise beyond their years. I have an incredibly strong sense of smell and hearing, and often pick up on smells and sounds that others don’t notice. Additionally, I’ve always noticed subtleties with people, which can be an advantage or disadvantage depending on the situation.

If you’d like to read more about Dr. Aron’s work on HSP, there are several books she has written (click the links below):

 

 

1-The Highly Sensitive Person

2-The Highly Sensitive Child

3- The Highly Sensitive Parent

self-care tips and strategies for the Highly Sensitive Person

Being a highly sensitive person means that you are compassionate, thoughtful, and empathetic. You feel and care deeply. Those are all wonderful things. However, it is easy for an HSP to get overwhelmed and stressed.  As a result, practicing self-care for HSPs is non-negotiable. Here are specific forms of self-care for HSPs. (willfrolicforfood, 2017):

(1) Sleep

Everyone needs sleep, but HSPs are more sensitive to the negative effects of lack of sleep. Therefore, making sure to get enough sleep is helpful for HSPs in navigating an already overstimulating world (psychologytoday.com, 2011).

(2) Setting boundaries

Again, boundaries are necessary for everyone. However, HSPs must be extra careful to set boundaries with others, as well as ourselves. We must say no to pressures that make us feel overwhelmed and understand that it is necessary to set those limits.

(3) Avoid stressors

Situations will cause us to feel overwhelmed and/or overstimulated. Therefore, we must be aware of our stressors (such as large crowds, scary movies, certain people), and do our best to avoid them. This can also mean lowering lights in the room or wearing noise canceling headphones.

self-care tips for HSPs

(4) Incorporate calmness into your routine

Set up small chunks of time during your day where you can recharge and soothe your senses. Whether that means taking a ten-minute break in your office or going into a room and locking the door, try to find a place where you feel safe. Use that time to decompress. That can mean reading a book, dimming the lights (if possible), meditating, doing breathing exercises, or laying your head on a pillow. Additionally, make sure you have a space in your home where you can go to that feel comforting. Have an area (or several, if possible) designated for you to relax.

(5) Prepare in advance

Although not all HSPs are introverts, it is very emotionally and physically draining to feel so deeply. Therefore, if you know that you are going to have a stressful or hectic day, incorporate time around those encounters for you to decompress.

(6) Open communication

We cannot expect people to be mind readers. Therefore, we must be honest with others about our sensitivities. If someone says something that hurts your feelings, be honest about it. HSPs take things to heart, so clearing the air is necessary to our emotional well-being. It’s also important to be honest with those around us about our needs, such as requiring alone time each day and staying away from loud areas.

(7) Eat small meals throughout the day

HSPs are often more prone to feeling hangry (angry plus hungry). Therefore, make sure to have well-balanced meals and snacks every few hours to maintain blood sugar levels. I am hypoglycemic, so it is crucial for me to eat small meals every few hours so that my blood sugar levels don’t drop. When I’m busy and I skip a meal, my body and mind pay the price for it.

(8) Keep a journal

I’ve spoken about my love of journaling for both kids and adults. Writing down feelings is especially helpful for HSPs. It is a great outlet for our emotions, and it provides us with a safe space to put our feelings into words and explore our thoughts. Awareness of our sensitivities is crucial, and journaling helps us to be more self-aware.

(9) Be your biggest cheerleader

HSPs are often perfectionists, and we try our best at everything we do. Failure can be extra difficult for HSPs. Therefore, we must be intentional with our thoughts and make sure to celebrate and take pride in our efforts and accomplishments, big or small.

(10) Limit phone usage

The stimulation from phone calls and screen time can be very overwhelming and draining for HSPs. Therefore, put your phone on “do not disturb” when you are doing other activities or need to decompress. Take time away from social media as needed and screen your phone calls to avoid unsolicited callers.

(11) Embrace your feelings

Yes, the world is a more intense place for HSPs. However, we see and feel beauty more deeply too. Rather than fighting our sensitivity, embrace the benefits it has to offer. Respect and validate your own feelings. Remind yourself that although others may not feel the same way, that does not make our perceptions any less valid. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. I often feel better after a good cry (or two, or even three), so let your feelings out!

(12) Make your home a source of comfort

Whether it’s limiting background noises such as the TV in your house, playing soft music, or reducing clutter, make sure that your house is a place that promotes calm rather than another stimulant. I know that a clean house is a must-have for me, as walking around and seeing a mess makes me very flustered. I also found cleaning products that have scents that are soothing rather than over-stimulating.

(13) Be one with nature

HSPs appreciate the beauty of even the smallest things, and nature is no exception. Make sure to take time to go outside. Whether it is taking a walk or finding a spot among trees, find an outdoor area that calms your mind.

(14) Move your body

Yoga, Pilates, or any form of exercise is important to decompress and elevate your mood. Stretching is another great form of relaxation and will boost your spirits.

(15) Embrace your senses

Find out what smells bring comfort to you and incorporate them into your life. That can mean essential oils, scented candles, playing instrumental music, wearing soft fabrics, self-message, or taking baths.

(16) Be creative

HSPs are often creative, so take the time to explore your creative side. Whether it is drawing, painting, writing, etc.,  it’s important to express yourself. It doesn’t matter if you consider yourself “good” at it, as long as it brings you contentment.

 

 

Being a highly sensitive person can be challenging. However, I have learned that my sensitivity is a strength. Caring and feeling deeply isn’t a bad thing, in fact, it is wonderful. However, HSPs need to be aware of how we are affected by our surroundings and make necessary accommodations to prioritize our mental health and self-care. Above all, we must be kind to ourselves and know how to comfort ourselves when we feel stressed. To all of the HSPs out there, I celebrate each and every one of you. The world is a kinder, more compassionate place because you are in it. 

Understanding the 4 Fs of Fear and Stress: Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn

Posted on by Randi
the 4 fs of fear and stress

Fear and stress are emotions that shape our perception of the world. Whether we grew up often feeling afraid or felt only the occasional nervousness, we can all vividly recount a time in our childhood where we were truly frightened. Throughout our childhood, the circumstances that caused us to feel fear or stress resulted in responses to that exposure. Even if you didn’t grow up abused, each of us encountered situations that impacted our way of reacting. We learned to protect ourselves through our responses to those traumas (big or small). There are 4 fear and stress-based responses, known as the 4 Fs of Fear and Stress. These responses shape your reactions in adulthood.

What are the 4 Fs of Fear and Stress?

These responses are evolutionary and primitive, allowing both animals and humans to survive danger and keep us safe. Any of the 4 Fs of Fear and Stress can be used depending on the situation/threat. A person may also use more than one in a given situation:

Fight

This type of response can be physical fighting as well as using your voice to protect yourself. Examples include attacking, yelling, or attempting to frighten the source of danger. This response can also be seen when trying to control another person or arguing and/or defending yourself.

Flight

This can mean physically leaving a situation that causes fear, or it can be done by mentally checking out. Tuning out stressful situations, changing the subject, or avoiding things that cause fear or stress are other examples. It may also be shown by not getting emotionally close to others or constantly move from place to place. Any attempt to run away in an attempt to protect oneself is an example of flight. (pete-walker.com, 2018)

the 4 Fs of Fear and Stress

Freeze

Freezing may be literal in that we physically stop moving when we feel threatened. It can also be shown by an inability to speak or continue doing an activity. This can include disconnecting from your pain, prolonged sleep or daydreaming, and/or zoning out in front of the TV. This response can also cause isolation from others.

Fawn

This type of response is seeking safety from the person who is making them feel threatened. This can be seen by someone who has little or no boundaries, goes out of their way to please others, and is overly accommodating. Attempts are made to avoid conflict with the perceived threat. This type of response is often a learned response due to a caregiver who is toxic or abusive. The child learns that some form of safety is achieved by accommodating and pleasing that person (betterhelp.com, 2021).

what happens to your body during an involuntary stress response?

When you perceive a situation as stressful or fearful, the physiological stress response begins in the part of the brain that is responsible for perceiving fear, known as the amygdala. The amygdala interprets images and sounds around you, and when it gets triggered, it sends a signal to the hypothalamus, which then stimulates the autonomic nervous system (ANS).

The ANS is comprised of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system controls the fight or flight response, and the parasympathetic nervous system is responsible for the freeze and fawn response. The parasympathetic nervous system also triggers the response that enables your body to go back to its normal state after the danger has passed ( health.harvard.edu, 2019).

When your ANS is stimulated, your adrenal glands release adrenaline and cortisol. These two hormones are immediately released, and they may affect your heart rate, breathing, vision, hearing, blood thickening, skin temperature, and/or lowering your feeling of pain. This is done to protect you from the oncoming threat. The specific physiological reaction depends on how you respond to stress, which varies. It is also possible to shift between F responses during the same situation. These reactions are something that happen instantaneously and often without our awareness.

These physiological reactions are triggered by a psychological fear.

These psychological fears or stresses are conditioned from your childhood, and they were triggered when you were first exposed to something that you perceived as stressful and/or fearful. These triggers will vary from person to person.  Your response may be due to a similar situation or something that is associated with a negative experience from your past. When faced with these perceived threats, your brain thinks you are danger (health.harvard.edu, 2019).

The 4 Fs of Fear and Stress are responses meant to protect you. Many people will use each of them at some point based on which is most appropriate to the situation. However, some depend on only one or two of the 4 Fs of fear due to chronic anxiety and/or repeated trauma (pete-walker.com, 2018).  As a result, the autonomic nervous system gets dysregulated. Even when the danger is gone, the person often gets stuck in survival mode and is quick to use their go-to fear and stress response(s). These responses become overused, and the brain gets conditioned to respond to situations that are not threatening.

Are The 4 Fs of Fear and Stress Something We Can Control and Get Rid Of?

The 4 Fs of Fear and Stress happen faster than our conscious thoughts. It is an automatic and physiological reaction. However, it is a learned reaction, meaning that we can gain insight into the types of responses we have, how they affect our body, and whether or not those reactions are truly needed depending on the circumstances.

We can recognize that although these responses helped us in our past, they are not serving us now. We can learn ways to cope with an overactive fear and stress response. As a result, the 4 Fs of Fear and Stress can be used when they are necessary, as opposed to constantly.

How can we overcome the 4 Fs of Fear and Stress Response if it is being overused?

(1) Seek professional help

A mental health professional can help you to deal with your past trauma(s) and anxiety. They can work with you to manage your overuse of the 4 Fs of Fear and Stress.

(2) Breathing exercises

Learning how to regulate your breathing can be helpful because your breathing gets altered when you are experiencing the 4 Fs of Fear and Stress. Some breathing exercises to regulate your breathing are:

  • Take a deep breath, hold it for a few seconds, and then exhale slowly.
  • Belly breathing- instead of breathing from your chest, let your belly rise when you inhale and lower when you exhale
  • progressive relaxation exercises- this is one of my favorites and I’ve discussed it in several of my posts. Working your way from one end of your body to the to the other, inhale while contracting/tensing the body part, hold the contraction and your breath, then exhale and let the body part relax.

(3) Exercise

This is a simple and effective way to calm the nervous system. It lowers the energy created in the body and it is a simple and quick thing to do when your heart rate goes up. Even a few minutes of jumping or running in place will get your heart rate up and help you! It also releases endorphins, which make you feel happier. An added bonus is that incorporating exercise into your routine is good for your physical well-being.

(4) Get curious about what you are experiencing

Once you have learned to calm your body down using the skills above, you can start practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness is a technique where we observe (as opposed to judging) how we feel and where we feel it in our body. It allows us to focus on the present. Mindfulness is helpful because you learn how your body experiences the 4Fs of Fear and Stress, as well as the accompanying emotions and thoughts. Your body automatically reacts, but when you recognize the physiological reactions that take place, it is easier to take a step back. With practice, you can notice the thoughts and emotions that occur with it and decide what to do (such as recognizing how you are feeling, but letting it go), as opposed to acting on auto-pilot.

We do not have to believe and act on every thought we have.

Learning to notice your automatic physiological response and not act on it is not an easy thing to do. It takes a lot of practice as well as understanding that change will not happen overnight (drsoph.com, 2020).

A great mindfulness exercise is known as RAIN. It comes from Judson Brewer, a psychologist who specializes in anxiety (westmichiganwoman.com, 2020):

  • Recognize/Relax- recognize what you are experiencing in your body and any thoughts or feelings
  • Accept/Allow- Hold space for what you are experiencing instead of running away from it or judging yourself for it
  • Investigate: Go deeper and explore those experiences- where am I feeling this in my body, what other thoughts am I having
  • Note/Not Attach- Understand that you are having these feelings and experiences, but they do not define you. Thoughts and feelings will come and go.

(5) Remind yourself that you are safe

When you are better equipped at recognizing how your body feels in response to the 4Fs of Fear and Stress, you can remind yourself that even though you don’t feel safe, you actually are not in any real danger.

(6) Practice these techniques when you are not feeling triggered

Incorporate these strategies into your daily routine so that you are comfortable with them. This, in turn, will allow you to better recognize your physiological reactions when you feel triggered.

(7) Grounding techniques

There are many that I discussed here, but a common one is the 5,4,3,2,1, which uses all of your senses to help you focus on the present moment. For example, you can notice 5 things you see, then 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can smell, 2 things you can hear, and 1 thing you can taste. Focus on your surroundings intensely so you can pick up on sensations you may not normally realize.

(8) Social Support

It is important to have healthy social relationships. This will help you to feel more supported and secure, which makes you feel less triggered.

(9) Strategies for the overuse of each specific F of Fear Response (pete-walker.com, 2018)

Note– For any of the F responses, the above strategies, therapy, and a growth mindset are integral in managing their overuse. Below is what you can do additionally based on the overuse of one of the F responses: 

Fight– educate yourself on how this type of F response can be harmful rather than helpful (through self-help and/or professional help). If your body is constantly in fight mode, it can result in controlling behavior and frequently being defensive and angry. Try finding a healthier outlet for those tendencies such as supporting causes and defending people who you care about. Pay attention to your physiological responses and start working on taking a break when you feel the fight response.

Flight– if this is your specific F response, you are often a workaholic and/or always on the go. Perfectionism is common, as well as anxiety and over-planning. Meditation is helpful to learn how to stay in the moment.  Working on how to gradually shorten the amount of time you flee is also helpful. 

Freeze– this is the most difficult F response to treat because this type is typically reluctant to seek professional help. Additionally, they are often in denial about their tendency to disassociate. It may be helpful to use timers and calendars as reminders to get things done (oomm.live, 2019).  

Fawn– boundaries are especially helpful for this type of response. It’s also necessary to start recognizing and prioritizing your own emotions and thoughts (mindbodygreen.com, 2020). Therapy is also beneficial in helping such an individual develop a sense of self and practice assertiveness.

Takeaway about the 4 Fs of Fear and Stress

These responses are our brain’s way of protecting us from fear, danger, and stress, which are controlled by our autonomic nervous system. They are automatic, often appearing before any conscious choice becomes involved. They are meant to keep us safe, and each one has its place and purpose. Even if you are stuck in a dominant or hybrid type, the most important thing is to give yourself compassion and love as you gain a deeper awareness of the 4 Fs of Fear and Stress.

 

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