Motherhood is Messy: Embracing the Chaotic Life of Raising a Child

Posted on January 27, 2021January 27, 2021 by Randi

Motherhood is messy

Let’s be honest. Motherhood is messy.

You know those images of perfectly dressed families, not a hair out of place, smiling their pearly whites? I often stare at those images while in my oversized sweatshirt, stretchy pants, (Jeans? What are those?) and hair thrown into a ponytail.

Motherhood is often those moments where you look around in disbelief and wonder WTF?! Those times happen so much more than the magazine worthy moments. They are hectic and test your sanity. These moments are unfiltered, may involve some sort of bodily fluid, and are REAL. Those are the moments where I think back and snicker (sometimes). Those series of moments define what it is to be a parent. Indeed, motherhood is messy.

So here are some of the cringeworthy moments I’ve experienced during the messiness of motherhood. Some will make you laugh, some will make you shake your head, and some may make you turn green. I know you’ve had some of these moments too.

MOTHERHOOD IS MESSY, ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE A POOP SMEARING TODDLER

When Brielle was 20 months old, I put her inside of her crib to take a nap. She was on a regular naptime schedule, so I had a good idea of when she would wake up. About an hour and a half later, I expected her to be awake. To my surprise, she was silent. I normally check the monitor when I hear her, but I felt there was no need to in this case. I was being given a gift of alone time, and I was going to take it.

A half hour later, I started to worry. I decided to take a peek at the monitor. Brielle was quietly playing in her crib. Her back was to me, but she seemed content. She wasn’t a baby who kept herself occupied, so again I decided to seize the opportunity and let her be.

Another half hour later I started to get a feeling in the pit of my stomach. An hour of sitting in the crib without a peep? Who had taken my child and replaced her with this imposter baby?

I slowly tiptoed into the room, opened the door, and saw a sight that will forever be etched into the deep recesses of my mind.

My daughter had taken off her soiled diaper, and she was using her feces as finger paint.

THERE WAS POOP. SO MUCH POOP.

It was all over her frontside (so with her back facing me I had no idea the horror show that was going on), all over her hands, all over the backside of the crib, and all over the wall where the crib lay. Additionally, it was on the sheets, on her legs, in-between her toes, it was on her nose. It was like an Edger Allen Poe scene, baby edition.

Let’s not even discuss the smell. Oh, the smell.

I wasn’t sure whether to gag, faint, cover my eyes, or run out of the room and pretend I hadn’t just seen what I’d saw. How could I possibly clean this up? Was there a haz-mat company that could take care of this for me?

I don’t know how I cleaned it all up, cleaned her up, and managed to stay sane. I honestly think I blacked out during the cleanup process, as I can’t actually recall cleaning. My husband was at work during the time, and I’m sure it was one of the many times he thanked his lucky stars that he didn’t work from home.

My husband came home to a clean room, a clean child, and a completely frazzled wife. I learned a very valuable lesson that day. Always check on my child. Always.

the messiness of motherhood: my daughter’s drug DEAL encounter

I mentioned this story during my discussion about Tricky People, but it was too cringeworthy not to share again.

I took my daughter to a nearby park with my husband and in-laws one Saturday afternoon. My 3-year-old daughter was running around the park and enjoying herself. In the distance, there were a few nicely dressed men having a conversation. It seemed a bit odd to me that they were so well dressed at a park, but I wasn’t going to judge them for being fashion friendly.

I turned my back for a moment (it’s always during those moments when something happens, unfortunately), and turned back to see my daughter standing in-between the men. Although I couldn’t hear what she was saying, they seemed to find her comical as they were laughing and smiling. I quickly came over, ushered her away, and apologized for the interruption.

My husband later told me that he witnessed those men doing a drug deal. It was bad enough that my daughter didn’t understand the importance of not going over to strangers. Apparently, she was also now interacting with our friendly neighborhood drug dealers.

why road rage is bad

I hate driving. Therefore, I avoid highways. For some reason drivers on the highway look down upon cars that stop in the middle to figure out where they need to go. I have anxiety towards driving in general, so I will follow the same route and not veer from it even if there is traffic.

I encountered some major traffic one evening when I was taking Brielle home from dance. There was some sort of construction taking place, and a crane was occupying part of the lane. My car was slightly over the double yellow line due to the lineup of cars and the interfering crane. Cars were going by in the opposite direction without a problem, while my car wasn’t budging.

All of a sudden, a woman driving a very nice SUV stopped her car. I don’t know why my car upset her so much. Maybe she had a bad day. Perhaps her nice SUV had a smudge on it. Maybe she had to use the bathroom. Whatever the reason, she stopped her car, looked at me and yelled, “F*** YOU!”

She was LOUD. Do you realize how loud was for me to hear her with her windows and mine rolled up? We’re talking levels of loudness that I didn’t think were humanly possible.

Normally I don’t curse. However, this woman made me see red. Who did she think she was to stop her car and scream at me like that? I wasn’t in her way, and even if I was, what kind of crazy person reacts like that?

Therefore, I did what any classy woman would do in response. I screamed right back at her, “No, F*** You!” She glared at me and drove off.

That was when I remembered I had my daughter in the backseat of the car. Not only had she heard that woman curse me out, worse, she heard me talk like that too.

I wanted to crawl inside a hole and never come out. I was about to turn around and explain how I shouldn’t have reacted like that when my daughter burst into hysterical laughter. That’s right, folks. My daughter thought me screaming like a crazy person was the funniest thing she’d ever seen.

She never asked me what those words meant, and she never used them. We did later talk about anger and healthy vs. unhealthy ways of expressing anger, but that was the extent of it. My foul language escaped her, and I considered taking a course in road rage.

Running Errands with my daughter threatened my sanity

You cannot take Brielle on any errands. Due to her ADHD and SPD, she likes to touch every item in the store, possibly throw items in the cart, sit on items that are not chairs (my favorite is when she tried to sit on a stack of boxes of La Croix, and she knocked one of the boxes over). She also likes to run up and down the aisles and play hide and seek (meaning she runs away and I panic and find her). Truthfully, I have considered using a tether, but it seems people frown upon using those with an 8-year-old. Motherhood is messy business sometimes, but you do what you need to survive.

One time I took Brielle with me to CVS. I only had to pick up a few items. I would never dream of taking her somewhere that involved a lengthy trip. The plan was simple- I was going to grab the three items, let Brielle hand the cashier the CVS club card, and get back into the car. Easy, right?

Not so much. I always go over the rules with Brielle in advance, but she seemed to forget them as soon as we got inside. She tried to pull away my hand as I held it. I reminded her we had to hold hands, and I asked her to help me find the vitamin pills.

Brielle did not want any part of this. She instead started screaming, “Mommy, you’re hurting me!”

Other customers started staring. I knelt down to her level and told her that could not say stuff like that in the store, as people would think I was actually trying to hurt her.

I asked her to please cooperate and we could play a game to see who can spot the vitamins first. As soon as we started walking, she again started screaming. This time, she yelled that I was breaking her hand.

It was at this point that I realized that no vitamins were worth me having to explain to security or possibly Child Protective Services that I was not injuring my daughter. I immediately walked out of the store with her. We had a long talk when we got home about why she couldn’t say things like that.

Remember how I said I look back at these stories and often chuckle? This is the exception to the rule. I will always turn a shade whiter whenever I think back to that experience.

my daughter has no filter

Brielle likes to talk. She will talk to anyone who will listen. Truthfully, she’ll talk even if they aren’t listening. She is not a person that would ever be able to take a vow of silence.

It is a challenge to have a child that talks from the moment she wakes up. I try explaining that Mommy needs her cup of coffee first, but she doesn’t comply.

This especially becomes a problem when we have work done on the house. People come to give a quote or to fix something, and they also have the bonus of having my daughter go over to them to chat. By chat, I mean say completely inappropriate things that force me to hire them and/or recommend them out of sheer embarrassment.

Some of the most embarrassing moments have included:

My daughter telling the plumber that his pants were falling off.
Asking one of the construction workers why his skin was wrinkly.
Telling the realtor that she looked like a woman, yet sounded like a man.

What I now tend to do is play with Brielle in a separate area of the house when workers come over. They get their work done more efficiently, and I don’t have any more nightmares.

Zoom meetings are boring, unless I’m crashing them!

My husband has several zoom meetings a day, and my daughter also attends zoom meetings for religious learning. She was told that remote learning is the same as in-person learning, except you are at home. She understands she has a teacher, and teachers are to be respected. At least I thought she understood.

Brielle has issues focusing, so I knew that it would be a challenge to get her to pay attention via online learning. I had a talk with her about the importance of listening, and I told the teacher to let me know if there were any problems.

I put Brielle in her room where there were no distractions, and I could keep an ear out. No other parents were present during the class, and I wanted to afford her the same privacy. For the first few weeks everything went well. That is, until Brielle discovered the camera button on zoom.

I got an email from her teacher notifying me that Brielle was turning off her camera during class. She was also using the chat box to start conversations with kids during learning.

I put a stop to that, but my daughter found something more exciting. She started leaving the room during her online class. She would sneak into my husband’s office when he was having his own zoom meetings. On more than one occasion, a co-worker would start waving, and my husband would turn to see my daughter standing behind him smiling.

Since then, I have moved my daughter downstairs where I can keep a close eye on her at all times. She knows I’ve got my eyes on her, and more importantly, my husband knows my daughter’s eyes are not on his co-workers.

motherhood is messy: uh oh, my daughter found the condoms

Brielle doesn’t know the meaning of privacy. Just as every person who enters our home is a new friend. Every item in our house is an item that she must examine.

One day I left Brielle in my bedroom when I went to use the bathroom. When I came out, I saw Brielle was rummaging through my husband’s nightstand. She then held up a box of condoms and asked me what it was, while trying to read the information on the back of the box. I understand that motherhood is messy, but this was just downright embarrassing.

I grabbed the box from her, closed the nightstand, and told her that those were for grownups. We had one of our infamous talks (do you see a theme?) and I learned to never, ever leave her alone in my bedroom. I also reconsidered baby-proofing again.

motherhood is messy, but i wouldn’t have it any other way

Life with my daughter is never dull. It requires patience that I never knew I had, and it tests me daily. Motherhood is messy, chaotic, and unpredictable. There are many, many times when I am frazzled, overwhelmed, and possibly on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Motherhood is a great representation of life. It is challenging, frustrating, and full of hurdles and roadblocks. It also is filled with beauty, humor, and countless memories. As a result, I try to embrace the chaos, find the humor in the moment, and cherish the little things that bring me joy. I now brace myself for the bumps, enjoy the peaks, and remember that motherhood is messy, but it is the ride of my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Anxiety Disorders in Children and Adults and Their Possible Causes

Posted on January 18, 2021January 10, 2022 by Randi

Anxiety is a topic that needs more awareness and understanding. There are currently 40 million adults and 4.4 million children who have anxiety disorders (cdc.gov, 2020). I discuss the definition of anxiety and its various symptoms here. This article will focus on the causes of anxiety and different anxiety disorders in children and adults.

WHAT CAUSES ANXIETY?

It is important to understand that people experience anxiety at various times throughout their lives. However, anxiety becomes problematic when it interferes with a person’s ability to function.

(1) Genetics

There is a genetic factor to anxiety. Just as a person may have a history of cancer in the family, it is possible to inherit anxiety as well.

(2) Learned Anxiety

Children can pick up on the behaviors and feelings of other people. As a result, they may inherit those feelings. For example, if a parent is afraid of dogs and reacts anxiously whenever a dog is present, the child may start feeling anxiety around dogs as well. “Children can pick up anxious behaviors from being around anxious people” (nhs.uk).

(3) Pressure

If a child feels constant pressure to perform a certain way in school or sports, they may develop anxiety. Similarly, if an adult feels constant pressure (e.g., at work or financial), this can trigger anxiety.

(4) School related issues

Bullying and a lack of friends in school may result in anxiety.

(5) Loss

This includes the death of a loved one (person or animal), as well as divorce

(6) Unstable environment

Examples include constant fighting in the home, lack of consistency due to frequent moving, and/or frequently changing schools

(7) Abuse/trauma

This includes neglect, abuse, and/or witnessing or involvement in a traumatic event.

(8) Health

Having a serious illness or injury in an accident can cause anxiety.

(9) Comorbid conditions

“If a child has ADHD and/or autism, they are more likely to have problems with anxiety” (nhs.uk). The misuse or withdrawal from drugs or alcohol may also cause or increase anxiety. Additionally, “people with other mental health disorders, such as depression, often also have an anxiety disorder” (Mayo Clinic, 2018).

(10) Unknown

There are simply some people whose personality makes it more likely that they will develop an anxiety disorder. For instance, some people have a higher tolerance to stress. On the contrary, others are more prone to anxiety.

TYPES OF ANXIETY DISORDERS IN CHILDREN AND ADULTS

There are various anxiety disorders in children and adults. Additionally, each disorder has different characteristics. This information should give you a fuller understanding of anxiety.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

When someone talks about having chronic anxiety, this is what they are typically referring to. For instance, children and adults with GAD experience anxiety about a variety of things (e.g., performance in tasks, relationships with others, and daily life situations). As a result, it is anxiety “that is nearly constant and disproportionate to its causes” (additutdemag, 2018).

Social Anxiety Disorder/Social Phobia

Intense fear about social situations is the hallmark of social anxiety. This includes avoiding social situations, worrying about an upcoming event, not participating in events, difficulty making friends, and avoiding or extreme discomfort when having conversations. It is important to note “some people might exhibit symptoms in only one type of situation, whereas others might experience multiple symptoms in various social situations” (additudemag.com, 2018).

Panic Disorder

Those with this disorder experience panic attacks and extreme terror that comes about unexpectedly. It is characterized by chest pain, a rapid heartbeat, feeling faint, and dizziness. A child is diagnosed with panic disorder “if your child suffers at least two unexpected panic or anxiety attacks-which means they come on suddenly and for no reason- followed by at least one month of concern over having another attack, losing control, or ‘going crazy’” (adaa.org, 2015).

Separation Anxiety Disorder

It is part of typical development to feel anxiety when separating from a caregiver between the ages of 18 months-3 years. Additionally, children often feel anxious separating from a caregiver when getting dropped off at a new school or environment. Separation anxiety disorder mostly presents in children between the ages of 7-9. It is characterized by intense and excessive anxiety about being away from home and/or being separated from a parent or caregiver. This can include anxiety that something is going to happen to their loved one while they are away.

Selective Mutism

This anxiety disorder is associated with a consistent failure to speak in certain social situations. A person with this disorder will freeze around particular people or events, but will speak freely when not triggered. “It usually starts in adulthood, and if left untreated, can persist into adulthood. A child or adult with selective mutism does not refuse or choose not to speak at certain times, they’re literally unable to speak” (nhs.uk, 2019).

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

An anxiety disorder that involves constant thoughts, actions, or impulses that are in intrusive. As a result, there is a need to perform certain rituals or routines to ease their anxiety.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

An extreme fear or anxiety after a traumatic or life-threatening event. Symptoms of PTSD include flashbacks, being hyperalert/hypervigilant, and avoiding situations that are similar/reminders of the event.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)

Although this is not an anxiety disorder recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), it is closely related to PTSD. C-PTSD is a result of prolonged or repeated trauma, and it includes the symptoms of PTSD. As a person who has C-PTSD and chronic anxiety as a result, I feel it is important to include this. I will address C-PTSD and its complexities in a future article.

Specific Phobia

An intense fear of a specific object, thing, or place. Examples include a fear of spiders, heights, or the dark. A person with a specific phobia tends to avoid the source of their anxiety. “Unlike adults, they [children] do not usually recognize that their fear is irrational” (adaa.org).

When to Get Professional Help

It is important to see a doctor if you or your child have anxiety that is interfering with any aspect of your life. Additionally, seek professional help if there are any other mental health or physical concerns. It is important to understand that anxiety can worsen without proper treatment. Please do not assume that things will get better on their own. Being proactive is the best thing you can do for yourself or your child.

Understanding Anxiety in Children and Adults and Its Various Symptoms

Posted on January 15, 2021February 9, 2021 by Randi

We have all experienced the feeling of anxiousness. However, when does anxiety become a concern? The purpose of this article is to give a fuller understanding of anxiety in children and adults. It is important to clarify the symptoms of anxiety and recognize when anxiety is more than just a normal part of life.

Understanding anxiety versus worrying

Worrying and anxiety are often used interchangeably, but they are different. Worrying is usually more specific (e.g., worrying about getting a good grade on a test), and it often leads to problem solving (e.g., studying). Alternatively, anxiety is more of a general state of being (e.g., I feel anxious because my best isn’t good enough) that triggers a snowball effect.

A good way to decipher between anxiety and worrying is that, “when you worry, you’re typically thinking about an actual event that’s taking place or is going to take place. But when you’re dealing with anxiety, you tend to hyperfocus on events or ideas that your mind creates” (healthline.com, 2018). Worrying varies in intensity and you feel a sense of control, whereas anxiety is much more difficult to control.

Another important distinction is where worrying and anxiety are felt. Worrying is something that happens only in your mind. Worrying are thoughts that may be negative or about something that can go wrong. Anxiety, on the other hand, “has a cognitive element (worry) and a physiological response (stress), which means that we experience anxiety in both our mind and our body” (NYTimes.com, 2020).

Understanding Anxiety in Children and Adults

There is such a thing as anxiety that is healthy. It is a means of our brain and body responding to a perceived sense of danger. Therefore, it is a crucial part of our survival instinct. Anxiousness is something that is common and typical in development, especially as children deal with new experiences and situations. The unknown is frightening for many of us, adults as well as children.

However, there is cause for concern when anxiety is frequent and persistent. Anxiety is often hard to recognize in children because of its cognitive component. Often children have a hard time articulating their thoughts and feelings. As a result, parents are only aware of the child’s physical and negative behaviors. Additionally, anxiety may overlap with or present as symptoms of learning disabilities or Attention Deficit Disorders (anxiety.org).

There is stigma associated with anxiety.

Adults may resist admitting that anxiety is impacting their quality of life. As a result, they don’t seek professional help. This resistance is largely because of the lack of societal understanding about anxiety. Those with anxiety are often told to “suck it up” or “it isn’t a big deal.” This may cause someone who suffers with anxiety to feel intense shame and self-loathing, only exacerbating the problem.

There are a variety of symptoms that may be experienced by both adults and children with anxiety. When there is a greater understanding about anxiety, it allows for support, empathy, and proper treatment.

Physical/Psychosomatic Symptoms of Anxiety in Children and adults

Below is a list of physical signs of anxiety:

Headaches
Sleeplessness- this includes difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, and/or frequent bad dreams
Stomach aches/cramps
Frequently using the bathroom (for bowel movements or urination)
Nausea
Lack/loss of appetite
A general sense of feeling unwell
Muscle tension or aches
Dizziness
Difficulty breathing
Racing heart/rapid heartbeat
Fatigue
Restlessness/ jittery
Chest pain
Unexplained sweating

This list of physical symptoms are things we have all experienced at some point. In other words, if your child complains of a tummy ache, that doesn’t mean your child has an anxiety disorder. That said, it is worth keeping in mind that there may be more going on than meets the eye if your child is complaining of stomach aches regularly or before/during particular situations.

As grownups, we tend to ignore physical symptoms and assume they will go away. However, if you are experiencing any of these symptoms frequently, it is probably something worth investigating. Our bodies are often sending us messages, if we are willing to listen to them.

Emotional/Behavioral Symptoms of Anxiety in children and adults

Below are emotional/behavioral signs of anxiety:

Anger and irritability

This may present in children as meltdown, tantrums, and disruptive behavior such as aggression. Adults who experience anxiety may exhibit outbursts, fits of anger, agitation, and hostility. Anger is often overlooked as a symptom of anxiety, but feeling overwhelmed with anxiety can trigger those symptoms.

Neediness

Children may be clingy, not want to leave their parent or caregiver, or are unable to sleep without a loved one. In both adults and children, they may seek constant reassurance, approval, and validation.

Avoidance/Lack of Interaction

Examples of this may be a child who refuses to go to school or try out for a team. Specific things or events may cause a grownup or child extreme duress and therefore are avoided. In social situations, the person may appear shy, not speak with others, or avoid social situations entirely.

Lack of confidence

Examples include repeatedly asking for help or demanding that others do things for them, even when capable of doing it correctly. Feeling inferior and inadequate to others may be due to anxiety.

Hypervigilance

Frequently asks “what if?”, focuses on the negative sides of things, or always perceives a threat of danger. This person can come across as pessimistic or a complainer.

Perfectionism

They have high expectations for themselves in every aspect of their lives, whether it is school, a job, sports, responsibilities. It is great when a person strives to do their best, but there is a line between trying your best and demanding perfection from oneself.

Procrastination

Avoidance of things that cause anxiety result in procrastination of those things

Distracted/difficulty concentrating

This can be misinterpreted as a focusing issue, but it is excessive worrying and fear that is causing the inability to focus.

Controlling

May tell others what to say or do as a type of ritual or have persistent impulses (e.g., repetition of a certain behavior)

When It Is Necessary to Seek Professional Help

If you or your child experience anxiety that is excessive and/or interferes with relationships, other aspects of life, or daily functioning, please speak with a doctor or mental health provider. If you or a loved one are experiencing frequent or several physical symptoms, it is also crucial to seek medical attention. “Physical symptoms of an anxiety disorder can be easily confused with other medical conditions…” (National Alliance on Mental Illness, Dec. 2017).

Anxiety is manageable with proper help and support. Recognizing the symptoms is the first step. I hope this article brings you one step closer to understanding anxiety and the many ways it can rear its ugly head. Anxiety is something you shouldn’t have to suffer with silently.

Raising a Self-Sufficient Child is the Greatest Act of Unconditional Love

Posted on January 8, 2021 by Randi

Most parents say that they hope their children will be happy when they grow up. Although my daughter’s happiness is of utmost importance to me, I believe that there is a greater aspiration for our children; one that comes at a great cost to ourselves. It is my belief that raising my child to be self-sufficient is the greatest act of unconditional love.

becoming a parent is the greatest identity change

As parents, we are supporters, advocators, cheerleaders, and advisors. No matter how old our child may be, we worry about them, and we hope we are doing right by them. Every action, every tear, every heartache, every obstacle, and every ailment that our children experience we experience tenfold.

I struggled at the beginning to grasp the enormity of the non-stop, around-the-clock demands of taking care of my daughter. I was exhausted, I had severe physical complications from labor, and despite all the books and classes I took, I was mentally unprepared for motherhood. Despite all of this, I was somehow expected to adjust to the responsibility and commitment of raising a living creature. It was a hard pill to swallow that my life would never, ever be the same now that I was a mother.

My identity changed when I became a parent. I was no longer just Randi. Now, I was someone’s mom. I learned to love in a way that was greater than I ever imagined possible. I also learned the heartbreak and worry that comes along with that kind of love. Every night I will go to sleep praying and second-guessing the choices I make about my daughter. My decisions impact her life, and the weight of that pressure is sometimes overwhelming.

The importance of raising a self-sufficient child

This is where life’s greatest dichotomy comes into play. Our children are our priority. It is our job to love them unconditionally, to guide them through life’s struggles, and to instill in them values, morals and virtues. Parenting requires selflessness, patience, and devotion. We are needed and depended on in order for our kids to learn and grow. With that said, the true measure of successful parenting is to raise our children to be self-sufficient. It is only then that they can leave the nest and live life as self-sufficient, capable adults.

It is without a doubt the most selfless and agonizing act of all. Our children are the center of our lives, but the time will come when we will no longer be the center of their lives. My daughter, who still looks for me every time she hurts herself, who calls out my name if she has a bad dream, who confides in me about her hopes and her fears, will one day have a family of her own. I know that as much as my daughter needs me now, it is necessary to teach her to be her own supporter, cheerleader, tear wiper, and friend. We must love our children enough to teach them to be independent and self-reliant. It is the greatest act of unconditional love to teach them to depend on themselves rather than us.

teaching our children to handle the challenges of life is an act of unconditional love

Sure, even when our children are grown, we will always worry about them. We will always love them unconditionally. No matter their age, we will still care and worry. They are adults, but they will always be our children. They will still love and need us, but our roles will no longer be the same.

Happiness is something we want for our children. However, I think happiness comes with believing and loving yourself. Therefore, I counter that sentiment with another goal, a far greater necessity for our children. I think the biggest accomplishment of any parent is that their child is self-sufficient and able to handle life’s challenges. Like many things in life, what is best is also what is the most difficult and painful. It is a goal that speaks to the true testament of any parent. Our act of unconditional love is letting go.

As my daughter navigates through life, I will be there alongside her. She will know that I am always there with open arms and an open heart. However, truly loving her means teaching her to love and depend on herself. Therefore, I will keep instilling in her the importance of picking herself up, dusting herself off, and putting one foot in front of the other.

“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.” – Denis Waitley

The Social Media Conundrum: Is It a Friend or a Foe?

Posted on December 27, 2020March 7, 2021 by Randi

I vaguely remember the days when there was no social media. It seems like it was back when dinosaurs roamed the earth. Truthfully, there was once a time when we weren’t all glued to our cell phones, tablets, iPhones, or computers. With the rise of social media usage, the questions remains: Is social media a friend or a foe?

the power of connection with social media

In some ways, social media is great. It is a means of reconnecting with people with whom you’ve lost touch. It is also a way of connecting with someone you wouldn’t be able to meet otherwise.

I have been able to speak with relatives I didn’t even know existed through Facebook. I’ve been able to see family pictures of people I knew 30+ years ago. No matter where you live, or how many times you’ve moved, social media allows you to remain in the lives of people. This is more crucial than ever due to the inability to connect in person because of the pandemic.

Social media also offers opportunities to network and market yourself. LinkedIn and Twitter are great forums for connecting with people and expanding career horizons. Social media is instrumental for every blogger. However, with every click on the internet, there is a downside.

the downside of social media obsession

What was meant as a forum to reach out to the ones we love, now has become a means of comparison. It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that others have their lives together because of what we see on people’s accounts. What do we do when social media is both a friend and a foe?

Every click of a button shows smiling families, exotic trips, and expensive merchandise. It is impossible to turn away from the happiness and joy that explodes from the profiles of each person. Social media has become a forum for perfection that makes the rest of us feel empty and lacking.

People spend countless hours scrolling through social media to the point where it has become an obsession. Men, women, teenagers, even children have accounts. They spend their time looking at other people’s lives instead of living their own. As much as we try to love and guide our children, one look at social media makes us feel like we are lacking as parents.

We live in a world filled with fear, anxiety, and isolation due to the pandemic. Now, more than ever, it is easy to look at our lives and feel loneliness and despair. There has never been a more imperative time to find means of connection. Unfortunately, the internet often makes the walls between us even higher.

People who are already struggling with depression and financial concerns fall into the trap of social media. Many rely on it as an escape from reality, but once on it we forget that it is an illusion. Social media often becomes a painful reminder of what we are trying to escape from in the first place. We fall down the rabbit hole of further pain and self-loathing instead of recognizing that Instagram and Facebook are mere glimpses of reality.

the dangers that lurk on the internet

Another danger is catfishing. It has become such a phenomenon that there is a movie and TV series about it. People start relationships on social media, only to realize that they are not talking to the person whose picture is on the profile. Sadly, a person can simply create an account, put up a fake picture, and claim to be anyone in the world.

Stalking has taken on a new shape due to social media. The personal details we reveal make us easy targets, allowing others to fixate on us and invade every aspect of our life. Social media has also become a vehicle for harassment and postings meant to destroy people’s characters and reputations.

Even worse, social media has become another platform to engage in acts of bullying. There is nowhere to escape when people can attack you within the four walls of your room. Kids now feel a sense of power and protection from behind a computer screen. It has become far too easy to belittle, attack, tease, degrade, and destroy through the internet.

the blurred walls of safety for children

As parents, we do our best to protect our children from the outside world, but what do we do when the walls between the outside and inside start to blur? What happens when social media becomes the gateway to danger?

Just as internet bullying has become a harsh reality, a whole new world exists where predators are able to access our children while in the comfort of their homes. What appears to be a sweet 13-year-old girl talking to your daughter may be a 45-year-old man. There is literally nowhere that is safe anymore.

I do not allow others to post pictures of my daughter on their social media accounts. There also aren’t any pictures of Brielle on my blog. I try to keep my child safe, but social media makes it harder than ever to do so.

As much as I appreciate the benefits of social media, there are tremendous risks that it poses to our mental health and safety. I think we must be mindful of the great dangers that comes from simply putting a profile on social media. Therefore, I believe that social media is both a friend and a foe.

New Holiday Traditions for Families that May Outlast the Pandemic

Posted on December 23, 2020March 7, 2021 by Randi

The pandemic has changed the dynamic of the holidays and holiday traditions for families this year. There are many who are struggling financially and cannot afford gifts. There are those who are grieving over the loss of loved ones. Many are saddened by the lack of being around family and friends who are usually with them to celebrate. Whatever your set of circumstances, I want to share some traditions that I have incorporated during the last few years.

the power of giving and receiving as a holiday tradition for families

I remember the first time Brielle was old enough to appreciate presents. We celebrate Chanukah, which means 8 days and nights of celebrating. In our case, we gave gifts to Brielle for each of those nights. The first few nights Brielle was visibly grateful for her new gifts. By the last few nights, she basically had her hand out expecting to receive something. After the holiday ended, Brielle continued to ask for gifts. She thought the new holiday tradition was getting nightly presents. My husband and I were saddened that what she had taken away from the holiday was expecting gifts instead of appreciating the ones she was fortunate enough to get.

We decided giving large amounts of gifts was not the way to go. We wanted her to appreciate what she has and recognize that there are others who are not as fortunate. It was important for us to instill in her that there was more to the holidays than getting materialistic things.

The following year, we implemented a holiday tradition of four days of giving and four days of receiving. That meant that of the 8 nights of Chanukah, she would get something for four of them. The other four nights were about giving back and coming up with ways to show support for others. If you celebrate Christmas and do gift giving on Christmas Day, you can still have your kids give back as part of their holiday celebration.

Some of the things Brielle has done over the years to give include: making cards and cookies for our local firehouse, volunteering at an animal shelter, donating toys and items to Goodwill, writing letters to people who work at hospitals to thank them, donating food at homeless shelters, and putting together packages of toiletry items for the homeless.

This year she was unable to volunteer anywhere because of COVID, but Brielle sent out letters and cards to various hospitals, assisted living and nursing homes, and to our fire department. She also sent out a get well soon card to a teacher. She felt good knowing that she was bringing joy to others, and she valued the presents she received.

creating cherished holiday traditions for families

Another holiday tradition we started incorporating was prioritizing making memories. I know that memories might have involved other people in past years, but memories can still be made. I notice that when I ask Brielle what she liked most or what stood out most to her, she will talk about the times we spend together.

Past memories included taking a road trip to NY while stopping at a hotel in Virginia to spend the night, going ice skating, and taking mini-vacations. Although we can’t have the same experiences this year, there are COVID friendly memories that can be created with your children.

An experience Brielle really enjoyed this Chanukah was watching “The Family Man” in matching pajamas while eating popcorn. Snuggling together in front of the TV was a great memory, and one that I think she will remember far more than any gift.

I also let her pick a dessert (she picked cookies) and we baked them together in our aprons. She made a mess, but she was so proud of herself when the cookies were ready. We also drank hot cocoa in front of the fire and sang Chanukah songs. Another thing Brielle loved was hours of playing dreidel (it is a spinning top). We play using pennies and depending on what side it lands on will determine if you give money, get all the money, get half the money, or everyone puts in money. We also played a TON of board games.

gifts can create memories also

The gifts we gave Brielle this year also involved creating memories. She received a jewelry box that she decorated herself using stickers and play dough. She designed in advance which color she would put on each side, which stickers she’d use, and what designs she’s use. I made some of it with her, and we spend the whole time laughing and enjoying our time together. I also got her a rock painting kit, which had stickers on it that were kindness stickers. She painted them and put them on people’s mailboxes and by their yards. It was a very special activity.

Another memory that we create on the holidays is a scavenger hunt. I write short little clues (Dryer-I go here when I’m wet, I spin round and round, located in the laundry room is where I am found), and Brielle goes around the house collecting the clues. When she finishes she then gets a present. Brielle loves the scavenger hunts so much that the present is secondary.

I hope that when Brielle grows up, she will remember the holiday traditions and times we spent together. Presents will come and go, but it is the time we spend with our children and the values that we instill in them that truly matters.

How to Teach Emotional Regulation to Your Children

Posted on December 16, 2020February 2, 2021 by Randi

Let’s be honest. Controlling our emotions is no easy task. With the chaos surrounding us due to the pandemic, our sense of normalcy and stability have gone out the window. We find it hard to manage our feelings due to the upheaval of our lives, so how can we expect our children to have emotional regulation?

ZONES OF EMOTIONAL REGULATION

This is where the Zones of Emotional Regulation comes in. I cannot take credit for this; it was invented by Leah M. Kuypers. There is a book and applications designed to help children label and manage their emotions. If you’d like more information about those resources, you can go to here.

The purpose of this article is to share what I successfully implemented with my daughter. I hope that this gives you and your child support and structure, which we all need now more than ever. Although this is great for anyone, it is particularly helpful for kids with special needs, young children, and/or anxious children. I learned about Zones of Regulation when my daughter was getting Occupational Therapy for her sensory issues.

FOUR EMOTIONAL REGULATION ZONES

The Zones of Emotional Regulation are comprised of four zones, each demonstrating a different level of emotions. Click here to download the Zones of Regulation Visual and other handouts. There is a blue zone, green zone, yellow zone, and red zone. You can print out the handout as is, which display the colors, or you can print it without color and have your child color it in themselves.

The blue zone represents low energy, which can occur for a myriad of reasons. Someone who is in the blue zone may feel sad, sick, tired, or bored.

The remaining green, yellow, and red emotional regulation zones are similar to a traffic light. Therefore, using traffic lights to explain those emotional regulation zones is a helpful analogy. The green emotional regulation zone is similar to a green traffic light; the person is okay to go. When you are calm, happy, focused and relaxed you are in the green zone. The yellow zone of emotional regulation is like a yellow traffic light; it indicates to proceed with caution. If you are frustrated, excited, anxious, or starting to lose control, you are in the yellow zone. Lastly, the red zone of emotional regulation is like a red light. It means to stop. This is when feelings are extreme and/or out of control. Yelling, angry, scared, and other intense emotions occur in the red zone.

HOW I INTRODUCED THE ZONES OF EMOTIONAL REGULATION TO MY DAUGHTER

I introduced the zones to my daughter by going over with her what each zone meant and what each associated feeling meant. It is also necessary to discuss and brainstorm with your child what strategies can be implemented when in the blue, yellow or red zone. Your child can write a list of what to do in those situations, draw pictures, or you can look up images and your child can cut them out and glue them onto a piece of paper.

Strategies my daughter uses when in the yellow and red zone include hugs, talking with me, drawing pictures, singing songs, dancing, jumping up and down, squeezing stress balls, reading, listening to music, and doing belly breathing (filling belly up with air when inhale, and slowly letting air out of stomach when exhale). The tools your child needs to manage their emotions will vary based on the child, the emotions, and the circumstances.

When I began this with Brielle, it took some time for her to get used to the idea of colored zones. Due to her sensory issues, impulsivity, and poor emotional regulation due to her ADHD, she acts first without thinking about the emotions behind her actions. I modeled my own zones, feelings, and tools to help her learn this new way of managing emotions. For example, if I felt angry, I told her that I was in the red zone because I was feeling angry, and I needed to listen to some music to calm down.

REMIND YOUR CHILD TO BE AWARE OF THEIR EMOTIONS

It is important to use “I” messages during your discussions. Examples include I feel” and “I need this tool” when speaking about the zones.

I also asked my daughter what zone she was in if she didn’t bring it up herself. I encouraged her to be aware of her emotions and what she needed to regulate them so she could be in the green zone. With time and consistency, she got better at independently labeling what zone she was in, and then with repetition she was able to name the emotion that accompanied the zone.

Initially, she was reminded to select tools to help her with this process. I created a “calming corner” in her room with things she pre-selected to help her feel better. Her calming corner included a bean bag chair, a weighted blanket, squeezing toys, and books. She was encouraged to go to the calming corner if she felt that would help, but there were times she wanted to do something else. I praised her for taking the initiative to select what tool would be best for her in the moment.

USE THE ZONES OF REGULATION YOURSELF TO MODEL BEHAVIOR FOR YOUR CHILDREN

Remember that your children will model what they see. Try to keep your emotions in check, and label what zone you are in and what strategies you are using. It is unrealistic to think you can be calm and collected all the time, so be open about how you are feeling and what helps you to regulate your emotions. You are setting a great example for your kid and you are also taking the time to recognize and prioritize your feelings. It’s a win-win!

Make several copies of the Zones of Emotional Regulation and the strategies you’ve discussed with your child. Put them throughout the house where they are easy to access.

HELPING YOUR CHILD UNDERSTAND EMOTIONAL REGULATION

Another thing I implemented with my daughter along with emotional regulation is discussing whether she had a little problem, medium problem, or big problem. Brielle would react to any situation with the same ferocity. It was important for me to help her put things in perspective. A little problem is something that only impacts you and is easy to solve or can go away on its own. A medium problem involves some people and can be resolved in a matter of hours or a few days. A big problem is something that impacts many people and takes a long time to get resolved.

Your child getting a paper cut is an example of a little problem. That said, don’t tell that to my daughter. She held up her middle finger in the backseat of the car the entire car ride because she had a paper cut on that finger. She refused to put her finger down. Yes, I got some stares from other people. A story for another time.

A medium problem is getting locked out of your car and having to wait for AAA to come to your rescue. Annoying and frustrating (yellow zone!), but not a major problem in the scheme of things.

A big problem is COVID-19. Sadly, I think that example explains itself.

Remember to ask for your child’s zone when an opportunity arises. Another good idea is setting reminders in advance to discuss everyone’s zones at set intervals throughout the day.

For example, if your child is in the red zone because he knocked over his blocks, acknowledge the zone if your child doesn’t do so on his own. Once your child has used his calming tools, ask if the problem was an example of a big, medium or little problem. I know that when my daughter is in the red zone, logic isn’t going to work with her. Once she has calmed down, she is more receptive to having a conversation about the significance of her problem.

SUPPORT AND UNDERSTAND YOUR CHILD’S FEELINGS

Keep in mind that even though some of your child’s concerns and struggles are not a big deal to us, it often feels like a catastrophe to them. Try to support their feelings and understand them, while teaching and modeling a new way to think about situations.

My daughter became so good at discussing zones and emotions that she now points out other people’s zones and emotions. There is nothing better than trying to explain an assignment to your child for the 4th time and having her say, “You look like you are in the red zone, Mommy. I think you’re going to explode. Do you need to use my calming corner?” How well the student has become the teacher. Sigh.

Structure, consistency, and supporting one another’s feelings is always necessary, but especially when living through a pandemic. With many kids using distant learning or homeschooling, these tools are a great way to teach emotional regulation, awareness, and support your child’s (and your own!) emotional and social well-being.

Being Bullied in School and the Lessons I Learned From It

Posted on December 2, 2020March 7, 2021 by Randi

Being Bullied In School: my middle school discomfort

Middle school is not a time of my life that you could pay me to revisit. I think most adults would agree that those years are tough. Your bodies are changing, your hormones are wild, and you are starting to have a grown-up body while still having a child mind. The potential for being bullied in school is extremely high.

Junior high school was particularly hard for me for a myriad of reasons. I was unhappy with who I was as a person, I didn’t have anyone I could turn to for support and comfort, and I felt no sense of safety. I felt hopeless, unloved, and felt very much alone. Although I was a bright girl and got accepted into a school for gifted kids based on my IQ and writing ability, I had absolutely no self-confidence.

my friend, the bully

In truth, there were many kids in that school who were sweet and probably looking for a friend too. I had classmates whom I could (and should) have chosen to surround myself with. Instead, I gravitated towards a girl who did not treat me the way one treats a friend. She appeared confident, but in hindsight I think she lacked confidence as well. Just as moms will shame other moms to feel better about themselves, she verbally bullied me in school to feel better about herself.

She was friends with another girl as well, and the two of them would laugh together while she poked fun at me. One day I was told she didn’t like my bow and it was babyish. Another time I was ridiculed that I reminded her of Minnie Mouse because of my high voice. You name it, she teased at me about it. Whether it was the way I wore my eyeshadow (honestly, I still don’t think I wear it properly) or the clothes I wore, she never ceased an opportunity to tease me.

In a nutshell, I was bullied by a girl who claimed she was my friend. Now this was in the 90s, when bullying was in a completely different form. This was long before the world of cyber bullying, where kids could taunt you behind the protection of a computer screen. No, this was the old-fashioned way; up close, personal, and fully standing by the words she chose to throw my way.

being bullied in school and by myself

Victims of verbal bullying in school are usually told to not give the bully any power. The advice given is to tell a teacher or ignore them because bullies are typically cowards. I was in a different situation. I had two bullies: this girl and myself.

My “friend” might have said hurtful things, but I did nothing to stop it. This is not a situation where I was powerless. She also was not hurting me physically. She used the power of her words to inflict pain upon me, and I chose to say and do nothing. I never once told her that I wouldn’t associate with her if she made those kinds of comments. When she laughed at me, I never walked away. In fact, I never even told her that her words bothered me. Instead, I often laughed it off. She might have been the one throwing the dagger, but I was the one stabbing it into my own heart.

why i didn’t walk away from being bullied in school

Looking back, I didn’t say anything for many reasons. For one, I had a complete lack of confidence in myself. My self-esteem was so low that I felt I deserved it. I didn’t believe that I should have someone in my life who valued my feelings and treated me well. I was already being abused for years by this point, and in some messed up way, being treated badly was my normal. It was all I knew, and all I believed I should know. It’s why I picked her in the first place. She reinforced my belief that I was not worthy or enough. In my mind, there must have been something wrong with me to be abused by my mother. Therefore, why shouldn’t this girl treat me badly as well?

Another reason I stuck around was because I convinced myself on some level that she was my friend. As I’ve mentioned before, what is even harder than being abused is admitting to yourself that you are being abused. The same applied here. I wanted to believe that this girl really was my friend, and that her actions were somehow justified.

Lastly, I was terrified of standing up to her and having nobody. I would rather associate with someone who was teasing me than be by myself. Nothing was worse than feeling that. It didn’t occur to me that the moment I accepted that kind of treatment from her, I was alone.

I remember the last day of junior high school. I asked a few people to sign my yearbook, and she was one of them. She actually wrote me a nice message that she hoped we’d always be friends. I then wandered around the hallways; I had nobody else to talk to and nobody asked me to sign their yearbooks. My confidence was non-existent, and I felt completely and utterly alone. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believed I didn’t deserve to have anyone, and that is exactly what I got. I spent three years at a school, and I left without a single true friend.

Insecurity Can be Felt at any Age and No Relationship Should Tolerate Bullying

I don’t want you to think badly of this girl because she was bullying me. In fact, we are friends on Facebook, and she occasionally likes my posts. I hold no ill will towards her whatsoever, not because I’m in denial, but because I think she was lost too. I think she was a child who had her own struggles and made poor choices. Should she have teased me? No. However, if I didn’t speak up and show respect for myself, then how can I expect her to respect me?

There is a bigger lesson to this story then the teasing of a young, incredibly insecure girl. Those who lack confidence can be people of all ages. We will all at some point inevitably have an encounter with someone who will say things at our expense. These people can be co-workers, romantic partners, friends, and even family. The same insecurities that prevented me from speaking up as a child prevents others from doing the same, regardless of age or relationship.

Some things cannot be prevented. I am not speaking of those situations where victims are truly powerless. There are some tragedies in life that confidence and assertiveness will not deter.

How We Stop Bullying Ourselves

When someone mistreats you, teases you, or says something that makes you feel badly about yourself, you have a choice. You can choose to allow those words to hammer away at your self-respect bit by bit, or you can choose yourself.

I don’t know what would have happened if I would have spoken up about being bullied in school. I wonder how she would have reacted if I told her that her teasing was hurtful. Regardless of her response, I know I would have felt empowered.

It took me many years to get to a place where I could defend myself. Today I have so much compassion for that little girl. I know that I simply didn’t have it within me to set those boundaries and believe that I deserved better. I cry for that little girl quite often because I know now how worthy she was and how unfair life was to her. In turn, I also know how cruel she was to herself.

I share this story not to elicit sympathy. I spill these sad words onto the page in hopes that someone who reads this will recognize that love and kindness are the most precious gifts you can give someone. They can save someone else, and they can save yourself. Give your children one more hug and remind them that you love them. Remember to be kind to yourself. Reach out to a friend and let them know you care. Boost confidence instead of tearing it down.

We cannot change how people treat one another, and there is much cruelty in this world. However, if we can love wholeheartedly and remind those we love that they are worthy and deserve better, perhaps they will start to believe that for themselves.

Our obligation to Speak Up About Bullying

We also need to be cognizant that if we are being mistreated, it does not matter who the person is on the other side. We have an obligation to speak up. If we cannot do so for ourselves, we must do so for our children. Otherwise, we are sending the message to our children that they can treat others that way, and in turn, others can treat them that way. For the sakes of our children, it must stop with us.

My daughter was taught from a young age that teasing others and allowing others to tease you is never okay. She knows bullying comes in many forms, and that they all are painful. I try to instill in her that she should treat herself and others with respect.

I pray that she feels the love and safety that I didn’t feel as a child. If the day ever comes where she is bullied or disrespected, I hope she will have the courage and confidence to do what I wasn’t able to do.

13 Sleep Solutions and Tools to Help a Child Fall Asleep

Posted on November 28, 2020August 30, 2021 by Randi

Many children need help falling asleep. Bedtime is a particularly difficult time for my daughter. For many years she had no problem falling asleep and staying asleep. As Brielle got older, her mind and body started to get restless due to her Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) and ADHD. What was once a seamless transition turned into evenings filled with tears, anxiety, and fear. I had to research sleep solutions to help my child relax and fall asleep.

sleep solutions and tools to help a child fall asleep

Whether your child is the occasional troubled sleeper or bedtime battles are nightly, this post is full of sleep solutions. As an added bonus, many of them are helpful for adults too!

(1) Brainstorm

Discuss with your child what specifically is bothersome for them about bedtime. Is it the dark? Are they afraid of sleeping in a room by themselves? Is it that they can’t calm their thoughts? Whatever it is, encourage your child to be open and honest about their concerns. Be supportive, and brainstorm together about sleep solutions to help fall asleep.

Some ideas that my daughter and I brainstormed together:

(a) My daughter doesn’t like being by herself at night and is also a restless sleeper. My husband and I each gave her a stuffed animal that we had from our childhood, so she has something tangible to remind her that we are with her while she sleeps in her own room.

(b) We also were gifted a small photo album such as this one. It contains photos of her family that she can look at if she feels sad. I love that the album is small, so she can easily hold it.

(2) Relaxation Techniques

a) I do a visualization with her before bedtime where she imagines a box filled with all her worries and concerns. She tells me what the box looks like, and then she visualizes opening her box and filling it up with every fear and bothersome thought. Next, she imagines closing the box, putting a lock on it (so the worries can’t creep back into her mind), and throwing it where it is impossible to resurface (sometimes it is the bottom of an ocean, other times it is buried underground). This is the only time during our bedtime routine where I allow her to voice her grievances. Once they are put in the box, she waits until the morning to discuss any of her concerns, as needed.

b) Breathing: there are several breathing techniques we use. She gets to pick which ones she wants to implement each night:

· 4-7-8: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold it for 7 seconds, and exhale for 8 seconds. We do this together several times.

· Deep belly breathing: She inhales and fills her tummy with air then exhales and the air leaves her tummy. You can do this while doing the 4-7-8, but I find that it overwhelms her, so we choose one or the other.

· Tensing and relaxing her body from her head to her toes (aka Progressive Relaxation)- Starting with her face, she tenses/squeezes for 7 seconds while holding a deep breath. Then, she exhales and releases any tension. She continues working her way down her body with her arms, hands, chest, stomach, legs, and feet. This is a favorite of mine, and one which I do on my own as a form of self-care .

· Taking an inhale and then exhaling for as long as she can while vibrating her lips to make a “wwww” or “ommm” sound: According to Neurosculpting Instititue (neurosculptinginstitute.com), “The researchers found that the vibrations from ‘OM’ chanting stimulate the vagus nerve, which then sends out neurotransmitters and electrical signals that reduce activity to key areas of the brain like the amygdala, associated with our flight/fight/freeze response. In addition, the increased oxygenation of the blood from the vibration facilitates feelings of relaxation and release in the muscles and structure of the body.”

(3) Being her own friend

As I mentioned in my article about ways to build your confidence , it is important to treat yourself with the same compassion as you would a friend. If she still feels anxious or sad after using the relaxation techniques, I encourage her to talk to herself and comfort herself just like she would if a friend was upset at bedtime.

(4) Using a sound soother

My husband and I use a sound soother, and our daughter has one in her room as well. We bought her this sound soother almost a decade ago, and it is still going strong!

The sound soother is crucial for her sleep routine. It helps her fall asleep and stay asleep when there is background noise that might wake her up. It also helps calm her mind and body. She uses the rain sound, but all the sounds work very well. This is a great tool to help your child fall asleep.

(5) Weighted blanket

Having that extra pressure on her body when she goes to sleep is extremely helpful in calming and relaxing her. We got her this one because it is budget-friendly, gives just the right amount of support, and has great reviews on Amazon. Weighted blankets are generally considered safe for kids older than 3. However, it’s always a good idea to discuss it with your pediatrician first. Typically, the suggested weight of the blanket should be around 10% of your child’s body weight (sleepfoundation.org, 2021).

(6) Consistency

Keeping a consistent bedtime is crucial for those who need extra support during transitions or don’t like changes in their routine. Life sometimes gets in the way, but I try to have her go to bed at the same time as often as possible.

(7) Books

There are many great books out there about kids who have difficulty sleeping. I chose the book, Orion and the Dark, because it tells the story of a boy who has many fears, particularly the dark, and he discovers that darkness can be his friend. After reading it, we talk about her fears, and how it is okay to feel afraid, but being brave is facing things despite being afraid.

(8) Come up with a bedtime routine

Just as having bedtime at the same time each night is helpful, so is having a consistent routine leading up to saying goodnight. I set aside 15-20 minutes before I leave her room to read books, discuss and implement what sleep solutions and tools she is going to use to aid her with bedtime, and give hugs and kisses.

(9) Alarm clocks

Many younger kids benefit from having an alarm clock with lights to notify them when it is time to wake up (red=sleep and green=wake up), and older kids can have a digital clock that they set. In my daughter’s case, she would wake up hours before the time that we told her. She would then stare at the clock until she was allowed to get up. As a result, we opted to take the clock out of her room and revisit it another time.

(10) Video monitor

We used this video monitor when she was a baby, and it something we still use today. It is very helpful because it reassures her that although she is not with us, we can still see her and hear her.

(11) Transitions

After spending time with her reading and doing relaxation exercises, I noticed that she would get anxious and scared once I left her room. It felt like all the work we had done together vanished as soon as I walked away. As a result, I incorporated a 12-minute period in which she can go to the bathroom, talk to herself, and do the relaxation exercises on her own before she had to lay down. Putting this small window of time in between my leaving her room and her laying down made the transition to sleeping much easier.

We discuss in advance what I will say when the 12 minutes is up. I want to keep the interaction as brief as possible. I speak into the monitor and let her know that her time is up, and she is to lay down. We then tell each other “I love you” and “Goodnight.” At that point, our interaction for the night is over. She knows I will not speak to her again until the morning. At first, she got upset when I would only speak to her once. Through consistency she learned that this is part of our bedtime routine. The structure of it aids in her sleep and helps prevent battles at bedtime.

(12) Melatonin

Melatonin is a natural and non-addictive supplement that can be used to help problematic sleepers. Speak to your pediatrician to discuss what dosage would be best for your child.

(13) Black Out Curtains

Black Out Curtains are a great idea for kids who wake up when the light shines into their room. These have great reviews , come in a variety of colors, and are a great price!

I offer my daughter empathy, support, and compassion, but I cannot force my daughter to feel okay at bedtime. Her perception about bedtime is based on her own inner dialogue. She can choose to see bedtime in a positive way, or she can see bedtime in a negative way. I do everything within my power to aid in that choice. However, she is the one who makes that decision.

These sleep solutions and products have been very helpful for Brielle. With that said, there is no magical wand that can make our children WANT to sleep. Finding tools and strategies to help a child fall asleep is not a one-size-fits-all solution. It is a trial and error process to determine what will work best for each child.

As always, if you have any questions, feel free to reach out to me! Let me know which sleep solutions are helpful for your child!

How to Make an Easy Personalized Placemat for Kids of All Ages

Posted on November 27, 2020February 27, 2025 by Randi

Now that the weather is getting chillier, I wanted to share a fun craft for your kids.

Drumroll please….it’s a personalized placemat!

I LOVE this personalized placemat craft for so many reasons!

1-It can be modified for nearly every age and ability. I first did this project with Brielle when she was two, and at 8 she is still excited to make them (the picture above is her latest one).

2- For those of you that have young kids or kids with a limited attention span, you know you’ve hit the craft jackpot when your child actually WANTS to focus on an activity for more than five minutes. It’s like a breath of fresh air to see your child eagerly working on something!

3- It is SO easy to do. Your can put more or less detail into it based on your child’s preference, but the basic directions are super simple to follow.

4- It is something they/you can keep for years to come (just make sure to clean it regularly), and it is a wonderful gift for grandmothers, aunts, uncles, etc.

I can continue to ramble about why this art project is a favorite of mine, or I can cut to the chase and start explaining it! Without further ado, here is what you will need to make your personalized placemat:

Materials

1- Clear contact paper

2- Construction paper

3- Scissors

4- Markers, crayons, colored pencils, and/or paints

5- Stickers (optional)

6- Glitter (optional)

7- Wasabi tape (optional)

8- Buttons, confetti paper, or anything small and relatively flat that your child would like to include

9- Fake maple leaves (optional)

10- Fake snowflakes (optional)

11- Fake flowers (optional)

12- Glue or tape

Most of the materials are optional, which is fantastic because you can basically use whatever craft supplies you have around your house!

The first few times my daughter made her personalized placemat, she only used leaves and stickers. This time she decided to use snowflakes, leaves, and flowers to represent all the seasons. Of course, the placemats don’t have to have any seasonal theme at all. It is completely up to your kids and their imaginations!

directions to make a personalized placemat

1- Cut two pieces of contact paper per placement. It can be cut based on whatever size your kids prefer, but ours is 11×18 inches.

2- Unpeel one sheet of paper, and leave the sticky side up. This will be where you stick your materials.

3- Modify the project based on age and ability. If they are too small to use scissors, they can rip construction paper or confetti tissue paper into pieces and scatter it across the contact paper. Another option is you can cut shapes for them, and they can decide where to place it. There is no right and wrong way to do this. It is whatever works best for your child!

4- Your child can scribble, color, paint, write or design the cut-outs. They can use stickers or any item of their choosing as well.

Here are some shapes and decorations she used when she was younger:

Below are some of the designs she used for the placemat she made a few weeks ago. She decided to use flowers, leaves (cut outs and fake), and snowflakes (I drew the snowflake, and she colored it in). Some she painted and others she colored in with crayons.

5- Once your child finishes designing and picking items, it’s time to decide where to place them. Let your child spread them around the contact paper.

Brielle designed and spread these out when she was younger, and she asked me to write her name on one of the leaves so this would be her designated placemat:

7- Unpeel the second piece of contact paper and place the sticky side on top of the objects so that the objects are enclosed on both sides by the sticky part of the contact paper.

8- If necessary, trim the edges to make sure both sides are even.

9- Measure the wasabi tape so it goes around each of the edges to adhere them .

Another option is to glue or tape the edges to ensure they don’t unravel with time.

That’s it! Let your kid take a step back and admire their handiwork!

It’s the simple projects that are the most fun for the kids AND the parents! I love that this is something Brielle can mostly do on her own, with minimal input from me (I trim the edges and the wasabi tape).

She can take pride in knowing that she decided what to use, as well as the design and placement. It gives her a huge sense of accomplishment that she is responsible for the final result!

I can’t wait for your kids to design them. I would love to see your personalized placemats. Post and tag me on Instagram @survivingmomblog with the hashtag #survivingmomblogcraft.

I hope your kids enjoy this personalized placemat craft for years to come!