15 Lessons Learned in Life Every Child and Adult Should Know

Posted on May 16, 2021May 19, 2021 by Randi

Life is filled with obstacles, but my aspiration is that my child navigates it with courage, determination, and grace. Some life lessons she will have to learn herself, but my hope is that my words can guide her along her journey:

15 powerful LESSONS LEARNED IN LIFE everyone should know

(1) Don’t be afraid to use your voice

There will always be people who won’t agree with what you are saying, and that is okay. If you believe in something strongly, keep standing by your convictions. Don’t allow anyone to diminish your feelings or beliefs. Stay true to yourself and let you head and you heart be your north star. If you are willing to follow them, they will always lead you in the right direction.

(2) This world can be a cruel place, and people may judge or comment about how you look

It is okay to take pride in your appearance, but remember that your looks should not define you. Strive for kindness. Unlike beauty, kindness does not fade with age. There will be times that it is tempting to combat cruelty with cruelty. There is enough anger and hate in this world. Allow the light within you to lead you out of the darkness.

(3) Weight is simply a number on a scale

It is easy to fall down the rabbit’s hole if you focus on those numbers. Instead, strive to be healthy. Eat fruits and vegetables and exercise. It is okay to enjoy a snack or eat a bowl of pasta. Remember to do things in moderation. Take care of your body as opposed to trying to change your body. This is a very important life lesson.

(4) You can be anything you want to be

Really. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. Reach for the stars, and do something that you feel passionate about. It is okay to have high ambitions. Don’t allow yourself to settle for anything less than what will make you happy. Always believe in yourself.

(5) It is okay to be emotional

That may make some people uncomfortable, and that’s on them. Some may tell you to “stay strong”. Expressing your emotions is what truly makes you strong. Trust your emotions. Don’t bury your feelings or let others tell you how to feel. It is normal and healthy to express your feelings. Care. Care deeply and feel deeply. If more people were like that, the world would be a much better place.

(6) There is no weakness in forgiveness

Like everything else, this needs to be applied in moderation. Forgive those who genuinely care and respect you. There will be people who will mistake your kindness for weakness. Those people will try to take advantage of you. Don’t have those types of people in your life. People will make mistakes, and you will make mistakes. That is par for the course. Forgive yourself and forgive others. Don’t allow the weight of mistakes to crush you.

(7) Have respect and compassion for others and for yourself

Accept and love all parts of yourself. Remember to always treat others the way you want to be treated. Set boundaries and hold yourself and others accountable for respecting those boundaries.

(8) It is okay to be different

Stay true to who and what you are. It is difficult to be different in this world because there is a lot of judgment and ignorance. That doesn’t mean you should allow those types of people to dictate how you live your life. There are enough sheep in this world. Be a leader, not a follower, and always march to the beat of your own drum.

(9) Your body, your choice. Period.

Don’t let anyone tell you what to do with your body. Hug those you want to hug (if they want to be hugged). Kiss those you want to kiss (if they want to be kissed too). If you don’t feel comfortable doing something, then don’t do it. Just as it is better in life to say “no” rather than go along with what others say or do, the same applies to your body. You get to decide when, where and how you use your body.

(10) There are others in this world who may be afraid or unable to stand up for themselves

Just as you should use your own voice to stand up for yourself, remember to speak up if someone else is getting mistreated. Remember that saying nothing speaks volumes.

(11) Love is a gift and a privilege

So is trust. Both should only be given to those who earn it and treasure it. Love wisely, but don’t be afraid of loving. Love is the only answer in a world of endless questions.

(12) Try your best at everything you do

If you are only willing to put in partial effort, it isn’t worth any effort at all. Don’t confuse effort with perfection. Nobody is capable of perfection. Your best will sometimes be better than others, and sometimes others will be better than yours. Do the best you can and accept that your best is all you can strive for. Whatever the outcome might be, be proud of yourself for trying. I will always be proud of you too.

(13) Life is comprised of a series of choices

Often the right choice is the harder choice. Choose right over easy every time. It is worth the extra effort to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of who you are.

(14) Inevitably life will knock you down

The truth is that life is a series of curveballs. No matter the circumstance, always get back up and keep on going. Learn from the lessons life teaches you. Perseverance and believing in yourself are essential ingredients to navigate through the murky waters of life. It may feel like the world is turning its back on you, but determination and hope will always help you find your way.

(15) Remember to not just live life, but to experience it

Remember to see the forest through the trees. Have fun. Spend time doing things that make you smile. Enjoy your own company, but also enjoy the company of others. Life is an adventure, and it is up to you how you live it.

There are many lessons I have learned in life. My hope is that these lessons will remind my child (and yours) that life has so much wisdom in it, if we are open to learning from our experiences.

Why Feeling Responsible for Other People’s Actions Sabotages Your Life

Posted on May 12, 2021May 14, 2021 by Randi

I must have done something to make that person act that way… He broke up with me, so I must not be good enough… My daughter is acting out; therefore, I haven’t done my job well as a parent…When the people in our lives fail to behave or act as we see fit, instead of making it about them, we often point the finger at ourselves. Not only do we judge ourselves for our own struggles and behaviors, but we make the way others behave and feel a reflection of us. Why do we feel responsible for other people’s actions towards us?

I GREW UP FEELING RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE’S ACTIONS

I remember first feeling I was responsible for other people’s actions when I was a child. My mother would do horrific things to me and tell me it was my fault. She would tell me that if I did what she wanted me to do, then she wouldn’t have to do those things. It was at that point that it was engrained into me that I was to blame for how others acted.

When relationships with boyfriends ended, I would go over in my head every conversation, every interaction, everything I did. I felt that I must have done something to make that person not want to be with me.

It never occurred to me that it wasn’t anyone’s fault, and that sometimes people grow apart or Aren’t meant to be.

My longest relationship outside of my husband was for four years. We were about to get engaged, but the ongoing issue in our relationship was that some of his family members were cruel to me. I was more religious than him, and they didn’t like that. When he abruptly ended our relationship, I felt heartbroken. I never stopped to think that maybe the end of our relationship wasn’t because I was damaged or unlovable, but instead because he lacked the maturity to stand up for me.

When my husband started using pills, I again felt it was my fault. Every time he would lie and tell me he didn’t use, or tell me that it was my fault he was using (addicts are very good at blaming others for their habits), I would blame myself. His actions were because of me, his lies were because of me, his usage was because of me. If I had been a better wife, had been a better person, he wouldn’t be doing this.

false judgment based on things out of our control

I felt I failed as a mom when I couldn’t control my daughter’s hyperactivity. When she started struggling at school I immediately felt that I had somehow wronged her. My initial reaction was to feel responsible rather than look at the underlying cause of the behavior.

I spent most of my life feeling like a failure because not only was I the cause of every single person’s issues, I was also the cause of my own. I made myself responsible for everyone and everything. When I put the world’s problems on my shoulders, how could I not expect to feel like I kept playing the losing hand?

It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the way we are treated is a reflection of us. To some extent that is true- we do have a say in the behaviors we accept from others. We don’t have to be around people who mistreat us or do wrong by us. Boundaries are crucial in order to protect our needs and well-being. However, the words and actions that our friends, coworkers, husbands, wives, children, parents use are their choice, and their choice alone. The only person who we should be accountable for is ourselves.

BLAMING OURSELVES FOR THE STRUGGLES OF OUR CHILDREN

Some may argue that we are accountable for our children, and to a certain extent that is true. We are supposed to teach and guide our children. We are supposed to model and teach kindness, morals, values, compassion, empathy, healthy coping mechanisms, emotional regulation, and the importance of owning up to our mistakes. However, we cannot force our children to do anything. We provide them with the map, but whether they choose to follow that path is up to them. That doesn’t mean we cannot help them when they steer off course and encourage them to stay on the right path. However, at the end of the day, we can do everything right and still they might lose their way.

Another thing to keep in mind is that the path that we think is best for our children may not be the path they feel is best. We often envision what are children will be like and who they will become as adults.

We have good intentions, but we project those visions onto our children.

For example, if you are a doctor, and your father is a doctor, and his mother was a doctor, chances are you are going to assume your child will become a doctor. What happens if your child can’t stand the sight of blood? What if your child wants to be an artist instead?

I mentioned above how I felt I failed as a mother when my daughter struggled in school. I was able to do well in school, so why was my daughter having issues focusing? Why wasn’t she able to do what the other kids did so naturally? I felt I was to blame. When we found out she had ADHD, it shattered expectations I had. I was a straight A student, and I imagined my daughter thriving academically too. I projected who I was onto her.

That is where the answer to my lifelong question of, “Why do we feel responsible for other people’s actions, and how do we stop doing that?” comes into play. We blame ourselves for others because we set up expectations for other people. However, we cannot control how others will act. When we accept people as they are without expectations, we are able to see their choices and decisions as their own.

TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS AND HOLD OTHERS ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIRS

When I put aside my vision of how my daughter should be and saw her for herself, I was able to see that she is special and wonderful just the way she is. I was able to give her the support and tools she needed to thrive. My map for her changed because I hadn’t made that map for my daughter; I made it for myself.

The people in our lives are not us. Therefore, the way they act and speak will not be the same as what we would say and do. We need to see each person as they are, good and bad, and realize that their thoughts, behaviors, emotions, successes, and failures define THEM, not us. If a person does something to hurt us, that reflects them. If a person does something that is wonderful, that is about them too. For example, I can applaud my daughter for her efforts and support and help her with her challenges, but her mistakes and successes are her own. If we can let go of the expectations we have for the people we have in our life and accept them as they are, we will no longer judge ourselves.

Here is the ultimate truth. IT WAS NEVER ABOUT US.

Just as someone else isn’t to blame for our choices, we don’t get to make ourselves responsible for other people. Codependency isn’t just about relying on someone to make us feel better about ourselves. It is also knowing that each person has the freedom to make their own choices, and it is up to us to decide if we can accept those choices. It is not up to us to change people.

Therefore, I strive to be the best daughter, sister, mother, wife, and friend I can be. I will focus on my actions and behavior instead of others. People are responsible for their choices in life, and I am responsible for mine. I will accept each person as they are, not who I want them to be. If I cannot accept the way someone treats me, then I will not have that person in my life. I try to let go of any expectations of how marriage, friendship, parenthood, and any other relationships should be, and see each relationship as it is.

No good can come from blame and judgment. It does not change the current situation, but only causes feelings of shame and guilt. I cannot promise I will never judge myself again. Old habits are hard to break. What I can promise is that I now know that in acceptance of others and myself I can let go of judging myself. I see others as they are and I see myself as I am. None of us are perfect, but I am proud of who I am becoming, and I am proud of the people in my life- just as they are.

Toxic Positivity Is Harmful To Your Mental and Emotional Health

Posted on May 7, 2021May 7, 2021 by Randi

Gratitude jars. Gratitude journals. Stay positive. Stay strong. It could be worse. Focus on the good in your life. Positive vibes only. Choose happiness …. These are all things that we do and say to be mindful of the importance of positivity. We remind ourselves and others to see the glass as half full rather than half empty. Positivity is a good thing, but is there such a thing as too much positivity? That is where toxic positivity comes in, and it is harmful to your mental and emotional health.

What is Toxic Positivity?

Toxic positivity is the belief that the way to cope with any situation is by putting a positive spin on it. Everyone has their own feelings, and one person’s circumstances may seem minimal to another. However, positivity should not be forced upon someone due to different perspectives. Toxic positivity is harmful because it prevents a person from focusing on their painful or negative feelings and/or experiences. If thoughts and/or comments minimize, deny, or invalidate one’s feelings of emotional pain and duress, it is toxic positivity (www.medicalnewstoday.com, 2019 ).

What are signs that you are suffering from toxic positivity?

Burying your actual feelings
Believing that those who act positive all the time are stronger
Dismissing emotions or things that are bothersome
Feelings of guilt for your emotions
Minimizing feelings/emotions
Urging others/yourself to be happy no matter what
Giving unsolicited advice and trying to change a person’s perspective about their feelings/emotions
Criticizing others/yourself for feeling emotions that aren’t positive (www.thepsychologygroup.com, 2020)

Why is Toxic Positivity Harmful to Your Mental and Emotional Health?

(1) Causes Feelings of shame

If we are told that we should always have a positive outlook, that sets us up to believe that our feelings are bad unless we feel positive. This promotes feelings of shame and guilt. We will feel shame for how we are feeling because of being judged by others.

(2) Makes unpleasant and difficult emotions bigger and more difficult to handle

When we deny, suppress emotions, and/or keep feelings to ourselves, this only puts a temporary band aid on our pain. Although we may put on a façade of being fine, that doesn’t mean that we are okay on the inside. We all need a healthy outlet to express ourselves and address our feelings. If feelings are suppressed, they will eventually come out in one form or another. Those feelings may become intensified because of the time that was spent avoiding it. One also may turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

(3) Lack of connection

If we feel judged or feel shame for our feelings due to toxic positivity, we may choose to hide those parts of ourselves. This results in superficial relationships where we only show certain sides of ourselves. As a result, relationships are disingenuous and lack honesty and intimacy.

(4) Lack of communication

Communication may be limited due to a lack of support and validation for feelings other than pleasant ones. Discussion would be selective instead of a true connection where you can be yourself with others. Additionally, problems and concerns cannot be solved if they are not acknowledged and addressed.

(5) Underestimate abuse

If we don’t allow ourselves to acknowledge our hardships, we are more likely to stay in abusive relationships and toxic situations.

(6) Low self-esteem

Toxic positivity causes us to feel badly about our feelings and emotional responses, which in turn makes us feel insecure and lack confidence.

(7) Less likely to seek professional help

If we are burying our feelings, we will not get the help we need to work through them.

(8) Psychological difficulties

A lack of processing our feelings can cause prolonged grief, increased stress, increased substance abuse, and PTSD (healthline.com, 2020). A study found that people who avoid acknowledging emotions damage their psychological health (washingtonpost.com, 2019)

tips and strategies

(1) Accept difficult emotions

As I discussed in my it’s okay to not be okay post, it is necessary to recognize that negative and/or unpleasant emotions are normal. We are not going to be okay all the time, and that is part of life. Show acceptance for how you are feeling by acknowledging your emotions. Instead of trying to force them away, allow yourself to feel however you feel. Writing down your feelings is a good way to process them and helps us to better manage them.

(2) Validate and reinforce other’s feelings

Encourage others to speak about their feelings, and do not avoid conversations that make you feel uncomfortable. Do not try to fix someone else’s problems or feelings or offer unsolicited advice. Instead, show support and empathy. Reinforce that you understand how they are feeling and ask how you can help them. Sometimes having someone validate your feelings is all a person needs. Remember, you don’t need to feel the same way that they do in order to show support and empathy. Validation is about acknowledging how they feel without judgment.

(3) Give yourself compassion

When you are experiencing difficult emotions, give yourself the support and compassion that you should show others. Judging yourself will only cause you to run away from your feelings.

(4) Take the time to care for your well-being

Having a self-care routine allows you to take time for yourself and prioritizes your mental health. This ensures that you are in tune with your feelings instead of ignoring or minimizing them. Self-care is not a cure for negative feelings, but it helps you to be aware of your emotional and mental needs.

(5) You can feel opposing feelings

As someone who has chronic anxiety, I know firsthand that I feel anxious while also feeling grateful. One does not supersede or replace the other. We all have a range of emotions and feelings, and we can feel more than one at the same time. Recognizing that it is okay to feel opposing feelings allows us to better manage our emotions. It is important to accept how we are feeling while seeking healthy coping mechanisms to process those feelings/circumstances. Some emotions will linger more than others, and that is okay. Healthy positivity means feeling authentic emotions, whatever they may be.

(6) Set realistic goals

Instead of suppressing emotions, set reasonable goals that focus on behavior rather than emotion. For example, if you like Pilates, set a goal to do Pilates a certain number of times that week. We cannot and should not try to control how we feel, but we can choose activities that promote mental wellness and feelings of accomplishment.

(7) Set boundaries

What makes positivity toxic is when it is forced upon you so that authentic emotions are being discouraged. If you speak to someone who is promoting toxic positivity, either disengage or let the person know that you don’t agree with that message. We cannot control what others do, but we do get to choose our company.

(8) Be selective with social media

Social media is great for many reasons, but it often showcases only the happy and positive aspects of our lives. Comparing ourselves to others can make us feel shame, and it also promotes an outlook of only positivity. Recognize what is harmful for you and stay away from pages or websites that encourage toxic positivity.

(9) Seek support

Instead of keeping your feelings to yourself, find family, friends and/or a professional that is supportive. Talk to them about how you are feeling and when you are struggling. Surrounding yourself by people that encourage your feelings, good or bad, will help combat toxic positivity.

(10) Avoid labels

Instead of labeling emotions as good or bad, try to see them as messages. They are there to show you what you need and how to make sense of experiences. I remind myself often that my feelings of anxiety are not good or bad. Remember that however you are feeling, those feelings do not define you (healthline.com, 2020).

final thought

The pandemic has brought about a world of uncertainty and fear. We have all had our lives disrupted, and many of us have lost loved ones or are facing economic hardships. It is okay to try to see the positive side of things, but those feelings cannot be forced. Toxic positivity is harmful for your mental and emotional health, and we need to put an end to it. Allow yourself to grieve and feel your emotions, whatever they are. Be a safe person for your friends, family, and loved ones. We cannot make difficult situations better, but we can support one another. That makes all the difference.

How It Feels To Have ADHD In My Daughter’s Own Words

Posted on May 2, 2021May 5, 2021 by Randi

My 8 year-old daughter watches me write often. She requested to write a post about how it feels to have ADHD. The following is written in her own words (with some spelling and grammatical assistance) on behalf of parents and children who live with ADHD. She also provided some strategies she uses to help her.

HOW ADHD MAKES ME FEEL

Hi. My name is Brielle. l am eight years old, and l am about to tell you how it feels to have ADHD.

I started to realize I had some difficulty in school when I was in Kindergarten. l had a really hard time understanding number bonds and how they worked. I was confused and couldn’t do schoolwork on my own. The other kids during learning center would sit at the desks and do their work, but I couldn’t do it. I had a hard time understanding new things because of trouble paying attention. I would think about other things. The teachers thought I didn’t know anything. I would go home, and my mommy would explain things to me a few times before I understood it. I was able to learn number bonds because my mommy taught it to me. She was able to teach it to me in a way that made sense to me.

My mommy now homeschools me. When my mom is teaching me l still have trouble focusing. l am still thinking about many things all at once. A lot of times I rush through my school work and I don’t want to double check to make sure I did it correctly. I just want to finish everything quickly.

Having ADHD makes me feel like there is constant noise going on in my head.

The next day l don’t remember the things l just learned the day before. My mommy has to review what I already learned. ln kindergarten everyone else would do their work when the teachers told us to do our workbooks. l had no idea what to do. l felt confused all the time. l like my mom as a teacher because she explains things to me well and helps me to understand.

I AM HYPER ALL THE TIME AND MY MIND IS ALWAYS ACTIVE

When l am hyper I’m often rough with my cats and my dog. l will sometimes jump on the couch and on people. I run around and get hurt. I have a hard time stopping myself. My body is always full of energy.

l never get tired. l could get three hours of sleep, and l would not be tired. I get sick often because I don’t get enough sleep.

At night I think about a lot of things, so I have trouble falling asleep. I leave my room many times to go into the hallway. Sometimes I have to go to the bathroom, but other times I feel like I have to go but I really don’t. It’s hard for me to get comfortable.

It can take 1-2 hours for me to fall asleep once my mommy leaves my room. When I wake up in the middle of the night l stay up and go to the bathroom every few minutes or l go play with my cats. No matter what time I fall asleep I will wake up the same time each morning. l think l do that because it is so hard for me to sleep and I’m bored.

Sometimes my brain tells me to lie and to do the wrong thing like climb on countertops and sneak downstairs during the night.

my mommy tries to help me to stop and think before doing something, but I always act first.

I understand that doing some of those things can get me into trouble. I’ve gotten hurt a lot because I always run around, and I fall many times. I still do it anyway because my body acts before I am able to think and stop myself.

TECHNIQUES THAT I USE TO HELP MANAGE MY ADHD

I try to tell myself, “l am going to fall asleep.” Many times that doesn’t work for me because I’m not tired. That is what having ADHD feels like. It can make sleeping very hard sometimes. l wear an eye mask, and l try to imagine things that make me happy when I’m lying down. That is helpful sometimes. Maybe it can help you.

You will have ADHD forever and you cannot change that, but what you can change is what you are doing now.

Putting my feet on the wall and listening to yoga music relaxes me. You can do that along with your kids if they are hyper. My mom does that with me and it helps. If you have a child with ADHD, this is helpful to calm down and focus. My mommy calls it a legs up the wall pose.

Sometimes when I am hyper, I go into my playroom and push on the wall for 20 seconds. I also run laps pretending that there is a wolf chasing me.

During school when I am having trouble focusing, my mommy gets my attention and says, “1-2-3, eyes on me.” She also tells me to put on my listening ears and my looking eyes. That gets me to pay attention, and then I am able to listen to her explaining things to me. She will give me breaks when I need them, and she sings songs about what I’m learning to help me remember things.

My mommy also gives me reminders to always double check my work before handing it in. When my body tries to tell me to do something I shouldn’t do or I try to rush through my work, I tell myself and my mommy tells me that ADHD isn’t the boss, I am!

I have two favorite breathing exercises to help me calm down. One is where I start by squeezing my feet and let it go, then my legs, then my tummy, chest, arms, and face. At the end I squeeze my entire body at the same time. The second exercise is what my mommy calls 4-7-8 breathing. You take a deep breath in and count in your head for four seconds, then hold your breath for seven seconds, then let out the air for eight seconds. You can do this as many times as it takes before you feel relaxed.

There is an area of my room that my mommy calls my calming corner. I go into my room and squeeze some of my toys to help me calm down. Sometimes I jump up and down, which gets some of my energy out. I also have a bean bag chair that I throw myself onto. My parents put or roll heavy things on me (my weighted blanket or an exercise ball) to help calm my body down. That helps me to relax because I like the pressure on my body. They also sometimes give me big squeezes to help me calm down.

Since I have a lot of energy, I like to go outside a lot. When my parents take me outside, I run around and I go on my scooter and swing. This helps me because I like fast rides, and it relaxes me a little bit.

NO MATTER HOW ADHD MAKES YOU FEEL, KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE

For other kids that have ADHD, you are not the only one. There are many other children who have it and have to deal with it like I do. I understand what goes on and how it makes you feel, but it’s just something you have. It’s not who you are.

So read this post and tell your kids to read this. I want them to know that they are not the only ones who have ADHD. I have ADHD and I understand. They are not alone. This is what it feels like to have ADHD. I hope this will help parents understand what their children have to go through every day.

Thank you for reading my post! My mom writes to try to help people. Please share my post so that I can help many people. If you or your kids have any comments or questions then leave a comment or send an email. Don’t forget to subscribe to my mommy’s blog!

Lessons I Never Expected to Learn From My Daughter

Posted on April 28, 2021April 28, 2021 by Randi

As a parent, it is my responsibility to teach my daughter. However, I have a confession. My daughter has taught me more than I could ever teach her. Even as I homeschool her, the lessons I learn from her far surpass the ones I instill in her. I never expected to learn so much about myself from my child, but I have. There are too many to list, but here are some of the lessons I have learned from my daughter:

(1) Laughter is the best medicine

Being a grown up is filled with responsibility. With all of life’s obligations, it is easy to forget about the magic of laughing. My daughter taught me that there is no more beautiful sound than the sound of your child’s laughter. The lesson I learned from my daughter is the importance of taking the time to laugh daily. In truth, I have never laughed more than when I am around Brielle, and it has done wonders for my well-being.

(2) It is okay to make mistakes

I grew up feeling that making mistakes was a sign of failure. Once I became a parent, all dreams of perfection went out the window. I make mistakes as a parent all the time. My daughter has taught me that it is okay to make mistakes. When she makes mistakes, she doesn’t judge herself. She has never felt that her mistakes make her any less lovable or less worthy. I learned the important lesson that mistakes are part of life, and that all we can do is learn and grow from them.

Learning that it was okay to make mistakes as a mom was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I realize that being a perfect mom is impossible, and that is okay. My daughter shows me daily that she doesn’t want or need a perfect mom. She wants a mom that loves her, supports her, and will be there for her.

(3) I learned the true meaning of unconditional love

My daughter taught me that the love between a parent and a child is unconditional. There is nothing Brielle could ever say or do that would change the love I have for her, and she accepts and loves me just as I am. Of all the lessons I have learned from my daughter, I think this one is the most important.

I struggle with anxiety, and there are many times when I wish I said or did things differently. I lose my temper, and I don’t always model the things I expect of her. She has seen me at my best and at my worst, but she still tells me I am the best mommy in the world. She loves with all of her heart and without any expectations in return. Having that kind of love in my life is the greatest gift I have ever received.

(4) You can’t prepare for everything

This is a lesson that my daughter teaches me time and time again. As someone who feels anxious, I try to prepare myself as much as possible for upcoming events. However, my daughter taught me that nothing I imagined could prepare me for being a mother. I can read every book (which I have) and still something will come up that is unexpected. Children are unpredictable and you cannot prepare for what they will throw your way. My daughter has taught me that life cannot be planned, and sometimes all you can do is go with the flow.

(5) Enjoying the present time

I was always on the go, juggling responsibilities and trying to be everything to everyone. That went out the window when I had my daughter. Children live in the moment. They embrace the here and now, and they give their full attention to the things they love. My daughter taught me the importance of slowing down and taking time to just be. When I play with her, all of my concerns about my to-do list go out the window. Playing with her, snuggling, and making forts with her are some of my happiest times because I am embracing the moment.

(6) You can learn to love yourself by loving someone else first

Although I feel it is great if you love yourself before you enter a relationship, my daughter taught me that that isn’t necessary. I was very much lacking in the self-love department when I became a mom. However, becoming a mom made me want to be better for my daughter and for myself. I wanted to be a good role model for my daughter, and her love helped me to learn to love myself.

(7) The best moments and things in life are the simple ones

Forget about fancy trips or materialistic things. My daughter finds happiness in the little things. She will squeal with excitement about a candy bar, a beautiful bird, and flowers. The lesson I learned from my daughter is that the small things are what matter. Brielle’s homemade cards and her hugging me with all of her might are priceless. I try to enjoy the simple moments because those are the ones I will look back and remember most. The little moments with my daughter like lying in the grass and telling each other jokes are the ones that ultimately add up to be the biggest.

(8) Accept yourself as you are

My daughter is who she is without apology. She has ADHD and struggles with impulse control and focusing academically. Brielle has never complained about why she has these struggles. She has never felt badly about herself for having ADHD.

I vividly remember her telling me, “I have ADHD. So what? I’m still me.” MIND BLOWN. I spent most of my life feeling badly about myself because of my anxiety that can be debilitating. I allowed labels to define me and make me feel shame and unworthy. I learned from my daughter that labels mean nothing. They do not define you. Who you are as a person is what matters. My daughter is a wonderful example of accepting yourself.

(9) In a world where you can be anyone, be yourself

Brielle is herself unapologetically. She will wear clothes that clash, are too small, or are loud. She will wear a dress when we are at home because she feels like it. She will dance awkwardly, sing terribly, and laugh loudly at her own jokes. She is shy at time when she initially meets people, but once she feels comfortable, she holds nothing back. My daughter doesn’t feel embarrassed or feel the need to act differently to fit in with others. She is not self-conscious and doesn’t worry about how she looks or what others think. Her authenticity is a daily life lesson to me to be true to myself.

(10) It is okay to not always be okay

I discuss this a lot, and I credit my daughter for teaching me this lesson. Brielle will let me know if she is upset, sad, mad, frustrated, etc. As a toddler, her temper tantrums were her way of expressing her big feelings. She helped me realize that feelings aren’t something to run away from, rather, they deserve our attention. I learned to inquire about her emotions and teach her the importance of learning healthy coping mechanisms. Through this process, I learned to give myself more grace about my emotions.

(11) Being brave is having fear and doing it anyway

My daughter has fears. She hates thunder and used to be afraid of the dark. She doesn’t feel shame or guilt for having fears. She has taught me that feeling afraid is okay. However, I have seen her take a deep breath and do things that scare her. I learned that being brave isn’t being fearless. It is facing your fears despite having them. My daughter has taught me the true meaning of bravery, and it has helped me to accept my fears while trying to face them.

(12) The power of forgiveness and not holding grudges

My daughter will get angry at a person. Really angry. However, she never holds onto that anger. She will address her feelings and speak her mind, but then it is over. She won’t bring up things that happened in the past because she is too busy focusing on the present. She teaches me to leave what happened in the past in the past. Assuming you are not in a toxic relationship and you set healthy boundaries, forgiveness is a powerful thing. Holding onto anger only hurts ourselves.

(13) There is always happiness, if you are willing to look for it

It is easy to get caught up in your own problems and forget that there is so much beauty. Our perspective shapes the way we view the world, and my daughter sees the world with a lens of happiness and excitement. Toys on the floor, paint on the table, and a dirty bike are indications of different things that brought my daughter joy. She finds happiness in everything she does– petting our cat, eating her favorite foods, and writing to her pen pal. It is easy to feel overwhelmed by all the things that need to be done or all the struggles we face. Brielle has taught me that even in our darkest moments of life there is still light.

(14) Motherhood is messy, hectic, unpredictable, chaotic, and absolutely beautiful, all rolled into one

I have learned that there is never a dull moment once you become a parent. It will challenge you in ways you didn’t know were possible, but it will also change you in the best ways possible. My daughter has caused me sleepless nights while also causing me all-consuming joy.

The truth is, I have grown and healed immensely because of Brielle. I am a better version of myself because of her. She inspires and motivates me daily. Although I teach my daughter, I am so grateful to have my daughter as my teacher as well. I will always carry the lessons I learned from my daughter near and dear to my heart.

What Is Imposter Syndrome and How to Overcome It

Posted on April 23, 2021April 27, 2021 by Randi

I am Randi, and I am an imposter. Yes, it’s true. I graduated with a nearly perfect GPA in undergraduate and graduate school. However, when I worked in the schools as a Speech-Language Pathologist, I didn’t feel competent. Everyone else seemed so confident in their abilities, but I felt like a phony. When I started writing, I felt like a fraud in that area as well. I compare myself to other people who have more followers and feel like I am not as capable as them. I feel anxiety because no matter how hard I try, I’m not good enough at anything I do…. This exemplifies the thinking of someone with imposter syndrome, and this post will help you to overcome it.

what is imposter syndrome?

Imposter Syndrome is the idea that your accomplishments are merely a façade. You feel like you are inadequate and incompetent despite your talent and abilities. Success and achievement are not a reflection of your qualifications and skills; instead, it is proof of being a phony and/or merely having good luck. These types of thoughts can be very obtrusive and sometimes debilitating. As someone who has struggled with this way of thinking (see above paragraph), I know imposter syndrome quite well.

This concept was first described by psychologists Suzanna Imes and Pauline Rose Clance in the 1970s. They believed that this way of thinking only applied to high-achieving women. Imposter Syndrome Expert, Dr. Valerie Young, has since discovered that imposter syndrome is experienced by both men and women. Furthermore, nearly 70% of people experience this at some point in their lives (verywellmind.com, 2018). If you have difficulty feeling deserving of your achievements, then you are one of the many people that struggle with imposter syndrome.

People with imposter syndrome usually have a cyclical way of thinking. They don’t think they are qualified to do tasks properly. This will cause the person to experience anxiety and to overly prepare and/or procrastinate. When the task is successful, they will believe their perfectionistic tendencies (overly preparing) or sheer luck (procrastination) was the cause. This reinforces their way of thinking to minimize their success and feel unqualified. As a result, the person will continue to feel fearful of being exposed as not good enough.

THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF IMPOSTERS

In Dr. Young’s book, The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer From the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It, she classifies imposter syndrome into 5 different types. These types have overlapping characteristics, so a person may fall into more than one type (themuse.com, 2020):

The Perfectionist

People who are perfectionists feel like they don’t measure up unless they do everything perfectly. The feeling of inadequacy due to impossible standards goes hand-in-hand with feeling like you are an imposter. Perfectionists feel that it is a lack of competency that is responsible for any mistakes. No matter the accomplishments and talent, it is never enough to make a perfectionist feel like they are successful.

As someone who is a recovering perfectionist (and one who often falls off the wagon), I know these feelings all too well. It is a vicious cycle of perfectionism causing one to feel like an imposter, and imposter syndrome causing one to try to be perfect.

The Superwoman/Superman

These individuals push themselves in all aspects of life. They often experience burnout due to feelings of inadequacy. They feel they don’t measure up as much as others, so they work harder to try to prove they aren’t imposters.

The Natural Genius

Those who fall under this category believe that anything that doesn’t come naturally to them means they are imposters. They associate intelligence and capability with speed and ease. They have high standards that are similar to perfectionists. However, instead of solely placing value on results, they also focus on whether they get the desired results the first time around.

The Soloist

These individuals work alone and are very independent. They believe that asking for help or needing assistance is an indication of being a fraud.

The Expert

Those who fall under this type measure their competence based on how much they know and how many certifications or trainings they have in a certain area. They believe they need to know everything about whatever they do. As a result, they will always seek to know more and get more credentials out of fear of being exposed as a fake. They feel they never know enough, and they are never satisfied with their level of knowledge.

Strategies to Overcome Imposter Syndrome

(1) Do not ignore your thoughts

It might be tempting to push those pesky feelings to the back of your mind, but that actually can do more harm than good. It is okay to experience doubt, but you get to decide what you do with those feelings. Allow yourself to acknowledge your thoughts.

(2) Challenge your way of thinking

Now that you have taken the time to gather your thoughts, you can now put them in perspective. What are you telling yourself that makes you feel like an imposter? Is that belief actually true? If not, how can you reframe your thoughts?

For example, if you feel asking questions is an indication of inadequacy, remind yourself that asking questions help us to grow and learn. Furthermore, if you have a question, it is possible (and likely) that someone else does as well. Other ways to reframe your thoughts are that some things require practice to gain further understanding, and mistakes are a part of learning (verywellmind.com, 2018).

I had a core belief that I was not good enough if I didn’t do everything perfectly. When I took the time to challenge my thoughts, I realized that I was setting myself up for failure. None of us are perfect, and doing my best is all I can do. That doesn’t make me an imposter; that makes me human.

(3) Assess yourself

Make a list of your talents and your skills. Based on your list, do you still feel your success is based on luck? Whenever you feel self-doubt, pull out your list of skills.

(4) Share your feelings with others

Tell family and loved ones how you are feeling. Keeping your feelings to yourself will only perpetuate this way of thinking. Allow others to help you to put things into perspective and give you reassurance.

(5) Give yourself validation

It is a great feeling to hear praise from others, but those with imposter syndrome need to learn to acknowledge our own success. Validation needs to come from within first and foremost.

Instead of focusing on what you don’t know or didn’t do correctly, make sure to applaud yourself for all your hard work and for what you have learned. Give yourself credit for your achievements and take pride in them.

(6) Be open to constructive criticism

Remember that feedback isn’t an indication that you are a fraud. Rather, it is a way to learn more and improve (time.com, 2018).

(7) Don’t wait until it is the “perfect” or “right” time to do something

Many with imposter syndrome procrastinate out of fear of their work not being good enough. Remember that no matter how long you wait, your work will never be perfect and there is never a right time.

(8) Embrace a growth mindset

Remember we are all works-in-progress. Accepting that we all have the ability to grow and become better versions of ourselves is a way of fighting back against imposter syndrome. None of us know everything and can do everything with ease. We all require lifelong learning.

(9) Stop comparing

Looking at other people’s success can be used as a learning opportunity, but it should never be used to measure our own success. There will always be someone who knows more or does better than you at something. The only person to compare yourself with is yourself. Be the best version of yourself (verywellmind.com, 2018).

(10) Seek professional help

If you are not able to overcome imposter syndrome on your own, then there is no shame in seeking professional help. Imposter syndrome is real, and you should get the support you need to live a better quality of life.

For many of us, that voice that tells us we are imposters may never go away. That is okay. We can accept that that voice is a part of us, but that it doesn’t define us. Imposter syndrome is real, and more people suffer from it than we think.

The actual process of overcoming imposter syndrome can be slow at first. However, we can use these strategies and gain perspective to give ourselves the credit we deserve. Most people experience moments of doubt, and that is completely normal. The important part is to not let that doubt control your actions.

Success doesn’t require perfection. True perfection is impossible, so failing to achieve it doesn’t make you a fraud. Offering yourself kindness and compassion instead of judgment and self-doubt can help you maintain a realistic perspective and motivate you to pursue healthy self-growth. It is possible to overcome imposter syndrome. Like Young says, “They can still have an imposter moment, but not an imposter life” (time.com, 2018).

How I Lost My Identity in Motherhood and How I Was Able To Find Myself

Posted on April 20, 2021April 20, 2021 by Randi

I was asked by @mindfulsauce to write about my identity as a woman separate from that of a mom. Many moms lose their identity in motherhood. I am no exception; however, my story is a little different.

I STRUGGLED WITH HAVING NO SENSE OF SELF-IDENTITY

Motherhood is something that changes you. Many of us simultaneously embrace our new role as mothers while grieving our old way of life. Staying out late, hanging out with friends, and having free time are things of the past. Our new norm is taking care of children, having little free time, and getting limited amounts of sleep.

I lost my identity when I became a mom, but that isn’t the full story. Yes, I became enraptured in motherhood, and my life revolved around being a parent.

However, prior to motherhood my identity was also not linked to who I was as a person.

Growing up in a dysfunctional home, my identity throughout my life was linked to others. My childhood identity was enmeshed with my mom. I didn’t know who I was because my well-being and sense of wholeness stemmed from her approval. Granted, I had hobbies, and I always had a deep sense of right and wrong. However, it didn’t change my need for my mother’s acceptance. I still couldn’t untie that knot that bound me to her. My identity was being my mother’s daughter and wanting to feel needed and loved by her.

As I mentioned in my article about life through my eyes, my identity was always contingent on others. I needed a friend, a boyfriend, etc. to make me feel better about myself and feel safe. I saw myself based on those roles, but I was never was able to peel back the layers and see who I was separate from others. Instead, I saw who I was based on my relationships. Granted, we all have relationships, and we are meant to have connections with others. However, those connections are supposed to enrich our lives, not solely define it. I saw myself as a daughter, sister, and a friend. I never stopped to think of who I was as a person.

When I got married, my new identity was a wife. I took on that role wholeheartedly, as I did all my other identities. I cooked, I cleaned, I took care of my husband, and I felt it was my job to give entirely of myself.

LOSING AND REPLACING MY IDENTITY IN MOTHERHOOD

When I had my daughter, my identity shifted. I completely defined myself as being a mom. However, this time was unlike the others. Society expects moms to envelop their identity in motherhood. Therefore, as I lost my identity in motherhood (or in my case, replaced my identity), it was something that was considered “normal”. Whereas walking around solely defining myself as a daughter or a friend may have raised eyebrows, nobody blinked twice when I spoke about my role as a mom. I blended right in with the other moms who only spoke about diaper bags, rash cream, and sleep training. I no longer had free time or could concern myself with my hobbies, but neither were any of these moms. Not only was I being given permission to lose my identity in motherhood, it seemed like it would somehow be wrong if I didn’t.

The demands placed on mothers sets us up for failure. We are expected to do it all. Sweep floors, clean up messes, wipe runny noses, change diapers, schedule playdates for our children, pay the bills, prepare meals, wipe away tears, take our kids to school, help with homework, and take them to extracurricular activities. Mothers are supposed to be their children’s cheerleader, supporter, nurse, nutritionist, advocate, playmate, confidante, teacher, counselor, driver, event planner, cook, housekeeper, and go-to person. Whether you work or stay at home, the to-do list is never ending.

We are pulled in so many directions that it is impossible not to fall down the rabbit hole of losing oneself.

There is no time for ourselves when we are programmed to believe it is our job to take care of everyone else.

As a result, for a long time it never even occurred to me that it was a problem to not have an identity separate from being a mom. As a stay-at-home-mom, it was my responsibility and job from the moment my daughter was born to take care of her, nurture her, support her, and guide her. The twist was that my daughter has special needs that require additional support. From the age of four I was also taking her to Occupational Therapy, getting her tested, supplementing what she wasn’t getting at school at home, and fighting to get her an IEP. My daughter struggles with playing independently and lacks impulse control, so I was her permanent playmate and bodyguard as well. If I turned my back, she would do reckless things and get very badly hurt.

Her need for constant supervision only reinforced the belief I had that I was supposed to lose my identity in motherhood.

I know my husband had mixed emotions about me losing my identity in motherhood. On the one hand, he was happy to let me run the show when it came to taking care of our daughter. I did it all. From feeding her to playing with her, from teaching her to bathing her, and from reading to her to putting her to sleep, I was a one-woman show.

However, now that my identity was tied to being a mom, that left little or no room for my identity as a wife. I was too tired after taking care of my high-needs daughter to show him much affection. Before my daughter was born, I was consumed with taking care of him because my main priority and identity was to be a wife.

Now, I couldn’t give to him as much as before because I had my daughter who needed me.

When my daughter started school, I was inconsolable. I cried when she started part-time three days a week. When she started part-time five days a week I cried for a month. When she started full-time five days a week I cried for months. I did not know who I was without taking care of my daughter all the time. Although I did long for time for myself, I wanted it in spurts. I didn’t want her away for hours every single day. As a result, I felt lost. I was still her mom, but I wasn’t needed as much. The truth is, I didn’t know who I was without that constant need. Just as my identity was once wrapped up in my mom, my identity was now wrapped up in my daughter.

HOW I RE-DISCOVERED AND ESTABLISHED MY IDENTITY

I think having the courage to go no contact with my mom helped me open my eyes to my need to find myself, separate from anyone else. I love my husband and daughter immensely, but I am my own person separate from them. As a child, I was conditioned to feel that my job was to take care of others. As a result, I thought it was selfish to focus on myself. I am finally able to see how wrong that way of thinking was, and I understand the importance of discovering myself.

I started homeschooling my daughter two years ago. It would have been immensely easy to fall back into old habits. I could allow being a mom to be all I am and all I need to be. However, that would be a disservice to myself, and just as important, to my daughter. I want her to feel encouraged to spread her wings and fly, however it may break my heart. She can only become a self-sufficient grownup if she is encouraged to be her own person. Otherwise, I would only be continuing the codependent cycle of her defining herself based on being my daughter.

One of the reasons I started my blog is to do something that comes from me. It is about me writing from my heart. I write about my husband and daughter often because they are huge parts of my life, but I write about my experiences. Accepting I need them while understanding I am so much more than just a wife and a mom has been a huge life lesson.

PRIORITIZE TIME each DAY FOR YOURSELF

I also learned that whereas I must keep an eye on my daughter for her own safety, that does not mean I cannot incorporate time for myself. I can have her near me while I read a book. In fact, we sometimes sit next to each other and each read our own books.

Just as the cycle of abuse stopped with me, I now know the cycle of codependency must stop with me. I want my daughter to know who she is as a person, and I want her to always prioritize maintaining that identity separate from others. She grew accustomed to my sole focus being on her, and she will complain when my focus is elsewhere. Therefore, I often remind her of the importance of taking care of myself. I explain to her that being a mother does not mean that I am not my own person. I also remind her that I always love her, but it is my job to take care of her AND also take care of myself. She knows that it is a priority for her to always take care of herself too.

FIND OR REDISCOVER HOBBIES THAT ARE JUST FOR YOU

My daughter likes constant attention, and I am encouraging her to be her own friend. She is learning to find comfort and enjoyment in independent play. I will set her toys up in a safe room and let her play in it while I write, exercise, or spend time with my husband. She sees me finding joy in my hobbies and things that are just for me. This encourages her to do the same.

INCORPORATE A SELF-CARE ROUTINE IN YOUR DAILY LIFE

I have instituted a self-care routine. There have been times I’ve neglected my well-being, but each time I start my routine again. Change isn’t easy, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worthwhile. I hope I am showing my daughter that with determination and a desire to do better, growth is always possible.

Who am I? That is something I am still discovering. With more life experience I think that answer will grow and change. I think like everything else in life, balance is essential. I feel that labeling yourself as a wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister is natural and part of the human experience. However, I learned that the key is to embrace those identities while not losing who you are distinct from those connections.

The beauty of life and of experiences is that I get to unravel more about myself and my identity every single day. I can embrace my identity as a mom with all of my heart and still discover who I am in the process. I am proud to put “mom” on the list of who I am, and I will add to that list as I grow along the way.

10 Positive Parenting Strategies and Tips for Better Behavior

Posted on April 12, 2021April 15, 2021 by Randi

As I discussed in my last post, positive parenting stresses the importance of children understanding parents’ expectations and rules. This is done so kids develop good morals and values. When children misbehave, parents are encouraged to have empathy and find the cause of the misbehavior. The focus of this post is how to implement positive parenting strategies and tips.

Positive Parenting Overview

Positive parenting focuses on children learning the importance of appropriate behavior. Parents and children show one another respect, and there is open communication. When speaking with children, it is important to use positive language and positive reinforcement.

Expectations should be age and developmentally appropriate. They should also be given in advance to prepare children for upcoming situations and set them up for success. When possible, children are given the opportunity to learn from their mistakes through natural consequences. Discipline in the form of logical consequences needs to be reasonable, related to the action, and respectful. Consequences also need to be consistent. As opposed to yelling, parents should speak firmly and clearly. To get more detailed information about positive parenting click here.

10 POSITIVE PARENTING STRATEGIES AND TIPS

(1) Model appropriate behavior

Our kids look to us to see right from wrong and appropriate versus inappropriate behavior. We cannot expect our children to follow the rules and emotionally regulate if we aren’t displaying healthy behavior. Therefore, it is important to model:

Healthy coping strategies
It is okay to not always be okay
We need time to ourselves to calm down
Implementing a self-care routine
Apologizing and acknowledging mistakes
Setting boundaries in all of our relationships
Treating others and ourselves with respect and kindness
Talking about our feelings
Emotional regulation tools

Understand that kids deserve empathy too- Just as we will have bad days and bad moods, so will kids. If your child is struggling, allow them to express their feelings. Give them an opportunity to explain why they are acting out, or if they are young, try to help them through their outburst. Young kids don’t have the ability to communicate and so they get overwhelmed and frustrated. It is important to help our children to deal with their emotions rather than rush to consequences. Encourage them to come to you and to identify their emotions using “I feel_________.”

There are times when your kid will have to ride out their feelings (just like adults), but other times there are strategies (example- breathing exercises, drawing a picture) that can be used to deal with their emotions in a healthy way. There also should be designated areas that your child can go to if he just wants to scream or cry or process feelings alone (parentingforbrain.com, 2020)

(2) Stay calm

I know this positive parenting tip is a very difficult one for many of us, myself included. However, I know from personal experience that if I begin a conversation with my husband or my child when my emotions are already elevated, it will inevitably turn into a very heated discussion/argument.

If your child has acted out and everyone is feeling upset, it is best for everyone to get some space and decompress individually. Your child should be told to go to a space that is designated to process feelings and help to calm down. Instead of a time-out being seen as a punishment, it should be used as an opportunity to take a break and come back together with a calmer headspace. Your child will be more receptive to having a conversation when given this time.

My daughter has a beanbag chair in her room with other toys that help her to emotionally regulate (a squeeze ball, a toy that you blow air into, a weighted blanket). She is asked to go to her “calming corner” as opposed to me calling it a time-out.

There are times when a time-in is necessary. If I see my daughter is upset and needs help to process her feelings, I may ask to take a break first so I’m in a better position to listen to her calmly. Once I’m calmer, I’m more equipped to help her through her feelings and process what is bothering her (parents.com, 2018).

It is important to understand that being calmer doesn’t mean that people don’t still feel emotions. I can be calmer but still feel angry or hurt. However, giving ourselves an opportunity to process our own emotions first before speaking with another is always a good rule of thumb.

Depending on the expectations set in advance and the cause of the behavior, consequences may be given. However, it is important to give your child the opportunity to calm down first and process his/her feelings.

(3) Prioritize connection with your child

Children do not need materialistic things to feel loved. They need time with YOU. We all have busy lives and are juggling endless responsibilities, and I know it feels like we are being pulled in a million directions all the time. However, even 15 minutes of quality time with your child a day does wonders for their well-being. When your children feel that they are getting attention and that your time with them matters, it strengthens your bond with your child. This in turn helps them to feel loved and safe, and to feel that they can come to you with their feelings.

I have mentioned in prior articles that I implement what I call “fun-time” with my daughter. For a minimum of 15 minutes a day, I play with daughter without my phone or any other distractions. She has my undivided attention. Furthermore, she gets to choose the activity to ensure that it is something that she will truly enjoy. She looks forward to this time together and knows that no matter what is going on, it is something she can count on daily. Quality time should never be taken away as a form of discipline.

Positive parenting is about teaching and helping our children to learn and grow, but part of parenting is having fun with our kids. Attention should be given emotionally as well as physically and verbally. Tell your child often that you love them. Give hugs and kisses, but be respectful if they are not as affectionate and follow their lead. Laughing and playing with our children is important for their development and it is a beautiful part of parenting.

(4) Allow kids to make decisions

Children from a very young age try asserting their independence. It is important to give them opportunities to have input or make a choice. Would they like an apple or an orange for a snack? Would they like to wear the boots or sneakers? What book would they like to read? The more opportunities kids have to voice their opinion, the more empowered they feel. This lessens the likelihood of power struggles. Additionally, it helps foster independence, self-sufficiency, and self-confidence.

(5) Pick your battles

A positive parenting strategy is focusing on all the ways your child behaves instead of their negative behaviors. When it is possible to ignore a negative behavior, do so. That doesn’t mean to turn a blind eye to behavior that is unacceptable. Rather, ask yourself if it is a big problem or a small one. Sometimes ignoring unwanted behavior will get a child to stop doing it rather than giving them attention for it. If it is necessary to point something out, try to keep the feedback to a minimum. Save the more lengthy acknowledgments for positive behavior. Kids want attention and will act out to get a reaction, as a negative reaction is better to them than no reaction at all. If you react more to the positives and less/as little as possible to the negatives, they are more likely to behave in a positive way (ptaourchildren.org, 2019).

(6) Encourage kids to be self-sufficient and figure things out for themselves

As much as it hurts us to see our children struggle, there are times when we have to take a step back and let them work through their own problems. Teaching self-sufficiency is a crucial component of positive parenting.

For example, my daughter lost her shoes a week ago. I often help her find her stuff because she tends to misplace her things regularly due to her difficulty with focusing. However, I realized I am doing her a disservice by not allowing her to look for her own stuff. I told her that she is capable of finding her shoes. When she started to get frustrated, I suggested she retrace her steps and kept encouraging her to look for them. She eventually found her shoes, and the look of accomplishment on her face when she found them was priceless.

If your child is struggling to do a math problem or to tie his own shoe, give them an opportunity to do it themselves. Don’t rush to step in and help. Even if your child doesn’t figure it out, they will learn the importance of trying to do things themselves. It also teaches a valuable lesson that we aren’t perfect and that trying is what matters.

(7) Find opportunities to say yes

There are times when there needs to be a hard “no,” and I am by no means encouraging indulging our children’s every wants and requests. However, when possible, try to say “yes” instead of “no.” This encourages children to respect and honor our boundaries when we save our “no” for the important matters. If your child asks for something that can’t be done at the present time, offer an alternative or redirection. For example, “I would love to go to the park! Would you like to go tomorrow or on Thursday?” or, “That looks like a really cool toy. Let’s add it to your wish list!” If we say no to everything, it loses its meaning and importance.

(8) Give warnings

We want to set our kids up for success and increase appropriate behavior. Therefore, try to give warnings to allow kids to be prepared and to help with transitions. Before my daughter has to leave somewhere, I try to give her a fifteen, five, and then two-minute warning. My daughter has difficult with directions and time management, so giving numerous warnings is helpful for her. The amount of warnings you give will vary based on the age and/or development of the child.

(9) Have patience

Positive parenting strategies and tips don’t result in changes overnight. When we aren’t using a more forceful means of parenting our child, our child may not cooperate at first. We need to understand that behavioral changes will not take place overnight. It is an adjustment for both parent and child, and parents need to give themselves compassion and understand we might feel more emotionally charged at first using this type of method. Having patience for ourselves and our children will help to make this type of parenting change.

(10) Be open to what your child is saying

Rules are meant to help our children and keep them safe, but with positive parenting, it is important to allow our child to have input. There are times when things are non-negotiable, but children should be allowed to offer their perspective. This gives them a voice and makes them feel like their opinions matter. There are times when my daughter has made a valid point and I’ve changed my mind. Other times I listen to her, but kindly and firmly tell her that my decision stands. Encouraging our children to state their opinion and speak up for themselves does not mean parents should allow children to dictate or be argumentative. However, the goal of positive parenting is for kids to understand why parents are setting rules and expectations so they can learn for themselves how to make proper choices.

Implementing positive parenting strategies and tips is not easy. Quite the opposite. Positive parenting takes a lot of patience, understanding, and open communication. However, the benefits of positive parenting are instrumental. Our biggest responsibility as parents is to raise our children to be well-adjusted, kind, self-sufficient individuals. Positive parenting encourages parents to model healthy coping mechanisms and prioritize their own well-being, allowing both parents and children to thrive.

Not all children are the same, and what works for one child may not work for another. Even if all aspects of positive parenting aren’t best for your child, you can select which positive parenting strategies and tips work best with your parenting style. Tailor your parenting to your child, and remember that parenting is fluid. Learning different parenting styles and strategies help you make informed choices, and that is essential for parenting.

What Is Positive Parenting and the Different Parenting Styles?

Posted on April 9, 2021April 9, 2021 by Randi

I vividly remember how I felt when I first saw my daughter. The love I felt for her was all-consuming. I knew I wanted to be a good mom, but I wasn’t sure how I was going to go about doing that. Every child is different, and therefore each child needs to be parented differently. This post will explain the different parenting styles and provide a guide to positive parenting.

The Four Types of Parenting Styles

In 1966 the developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind came up with four types of parenting styles. These styles explain how a parent interacts and disciplines their child. It is important to keep in mind that parenting is never clear cut. Elements form multiple styles of parenting may be used, or different styles might be used as different times throughout a child’s life (verywellmind.com, 2020).

1- Authoritarian parenting

There are high expectations and low amounts of nurturing with this parenting type. Parents use their authority to set rules and expectations, and do not allow questions or input from their children about these rules. As a result, the communication is usually from parent to child. They expect obedience and typically use yelling, spanking, and shaming to discipline their children. Punishments are used to deal with negative or unwanted behavior.

2-Permissive Parenting

This parenting style is the opposite of authoritarian parenting. There are low expectations and high amounts of nurturing. The relationship between parent and child more resembles a friendship than a parent and child relationship. Children are given complete freedom to make their own choices as there are no limits or boundaries. Parents give love and affection and communicate with their children, but there is a lack of guidance or rules.

3- Uninvolved/Neglectful Parenting

Low expectations and low nurturing characterize this type of parenting style. There is limited communication and parents are uninvolved in the child’s development and choices. Parents primarily ignore the child’s behavior and use no means of discipline.

4- Authoritative Parenting

There are high expectations and high levels of nurturing. Parents have open communication with their children and encourage verbal discourse. There are clear rules and expectations, and children’s feelings and well-being are prioritized. Parents provide a warm, loving environment. Discipline is provided, while explaining the importance of rules and their consequences.

GUIDE TO Positive Parenting

Positive parenting falls under the umbrella of authoritative parenting. The goal of positive parenting is to teach appropriate behavior rather than focus on negative behavior. The priority is placed on open communication so that children develop a good internal moral compass. As opposed to blindly following rules, kids are encouraged to understand the reasons behind these rules.

Advantages of Positive Parenting

(Parentingforbrain.com, 2021)

Kids are more confident
Children have more mental health and wellness
Kids are more self-sufficient
Children have better problem solving skills
Kids develop healthy coping mechanisms
Kids are more well-adjusted
Children have more morals and values
Kids have less behavioral issues
Kids are more resilient
Children have more academic success
Kids have better social skills
Kids are able to emotionally regulate and have self-awareness

guidelines FOR POSITIVE PARENTING

Look at the cause of the behavior

(positiveparentingsolutions.com, 2019)

When a child is acting out, there is often a reason behind it. Positive parenting stresses getting to the root of the behavior and having empathy in the process. For example, the next time your child is misbehaving, ask yourself what the cause could be. Did your child miss her nap? Is he hungry? Did something happen at school, with a friend, etc.?

There are other possible causes for misbehavior. A child needs to feel that he/she is getting attention/quality time with their parents and that he/she is encouraged to make choices. Power struggles often ensue when a child is not given the opportunity to assert independence.

Speak respectfully and firmly to your children

Positive parenting stresses that respect should be given to both the parent and the child. Using words such as “please” and “thank you” set a good example for how your child should speak to you and to others, while also giving them respect. Although parents who use this type of parenting speak in a kind way, that does not mean that they are not setting rules or boundaries.

speak firmly without yelling.

Yelling is something many of us do as we were yelled at as kids. There are going to be times we lose our cool and yell. However, the situation will usually then escalate or the child will reacts out of fear rather than learning a lesson from the situation. When possible, try speaking in a calm, but firm voice.

There are two things to keep in mind when speaking with your children:

Positive language– Instead of telling your kids what NOT to do, try stating what they should do. For example, instead of saying, “Don’t run,” try saying, “Please walk.” Instead of saying, “Don’t throw your shoes,” say, “Please put your shoes in the shoe rack.” Explain what to do as a positive statement instead of a negative one.
Positive Reinforcement– Just as positive language should be used, it is important to acknowledge positive behavior and reinforce it. Often we see our kids behaving in ways that we like, but we tend to mention the unwanted behaviors instead of all the ways that they behaved appropriately. Some examples of positive reinforcement are: “You’re working so hard on solving that math problem!”, “You were so helpful when you loaded the dishwasher!” “I saw that you were about to jump from that step, but you stopped. You should be really proud of yourself!” Try being as specific as possible by avoiding generic statements such as “Great job!” or “That’s wonderful!” Commenting on a child’s specific positive behavior shows that you noticed what they did and illustrates the exact behaviors that should continue.

There are two Types of consequences in positive parenting

(mother.ly.com, 2020)

Natural Consequences– If a child is rough with a fragile toy, it will break. If a child does not put on warm shoes when it is cold outside, their feet will get cold. When homework is handed in that is incomplete or done incorrectly, the child will get a bad grade. Through natural consequences a child can learn how to make better choices. We can explain to our children why we think there is a better option, but there are times when we should allow our children to learn from their mistakes. This avoids you having to battle with your child, and your child is given the opportunity to figure things out for themselves.
Logical Consequences-. When a consequence is given, it needs to be logical. Consequences should be given in advance as much as possible so that a child understands the outcome of their choice. It is okay to give a warning first, but there should also be a reminder of what will happen if it happens again. Some examples are: If your child leaves his toys on the floor when he is told to pick them up, those toys get taken away. If your child does not ask permission to turn on the TV, your child isn’t allowed to watch TV. There is no dessert if your child refuses to eat his food. If your child is not listening when having a playdate at a friend’s house, your child has to end the playdate.

Logical consequences should be respectful, reasonable, and related.

Speak respectfully when giving a consequence. There is no need to say, “I told you so,” or to make the child feel shame. Additionally, consequences need to make sense and be directly related to the action. Lastly, consequences should not be extreme, such as telling your child they have to go to bed early for a month for going to bed a few minutes passed their bedtime. If consequences are done in an unreasonable, disrespectful, or unrelated way, the child will not learn from their actions.

Expectations and rules need to be age and developmentally appropriate and clear

It is important to make sure that your child understand the rules of the house. Rules should be simple, with consequences stated ahead of time. For example, before going to the store, your child should know to stay next to you and that they are to keep their hands to themselves. Make sure that your expectations are clear and ask your child to repeat them back to you to ensure they understand.

It is important to keep the child’s age and development in mind when setting expectations. If you have a child with poor impulse control and hyperactivity, asking your child to stay next to you while you do a full grocery shopping is unrealistic. If your child will stand next to you while you pick up a few items, then state that as your expectation.

Explaining the expectations in advance allows kids to feel prepared and ensures that everyone is on the same page. This lessens the likelihood of outburst or negative behaviors.

Additionally, the amount of language you use should vary based on the child’s age and development. Try to keep your instructions to a couple of words with a young child. It is also helpful to get down to your child’s eye level when speaking with them.

It is a good idea to explain why you have these rules. For example, “I want you to keep your hands to yourself so nothing gets knocked off the shelves,” or, “Washing our hands before dinner helps us to stay healthy.” If your child understands the importance of these rules, they are more likely to comply.

Be consistent

Do not give a consequence unless you are willing to follow through with it. If there is a lack of follow through, it minimizes the importance of your rules and sends the message that you will continue to set consequences and not implement them. This will only increase the likelihood of unwanted behavior. You deserve to be respected and taken seriously, and therefore consistency is crucial.

Positive parenting is about helping children to figure out the appropriate way to behave. This type of parenting does not take place overnight, as both parents and children need to adjust. However, when working with our children, instead of combatting with them, we can build a stronger parent-child relationship. Positive parenting gives parents and kids the tools they need to flourish.

Ambiguous Grief: Grieving the Loss of My Living Mother

Posted on April 6, 2021April 6, 2021 by Randi

I wrote a post about grief to explain that there are many stages to the grieving process. However, this post is about the grief that I experience daily. I experience what is known as ambiguous loss. I am grieving the loss of my living mother.

AMBIGUOUS GRIEF AND LOSS

The theory of ambiguous loss was pioneered by Dr. Pauline Boss. It is used to describe a loss that is unclear and lacks closure. This takes place because the loved one is physically present but psychologically absent (for example, someone with dementia, chronic mental illness, or someone who is in active addiction) or it can be a loved one who is psychologically present but physically absent (for example, a missing person, military deployment, children leaving the home, divorce) Both types of losses are not losses in the traditional sense (Adaptedtrom Boss,P., The Contextand Process of Theory Development: The Story of Ambiguous Loss. Journal of Family Theory & Review, B, pp.269-286, 2016) .

Although people who experience ambiguous grief may go through the Kubler-Ross grief stages, there may also be an added element of “hope” to it because the person is not dead. Hope can be a good thing when you are able to see the lessons you learned from your pain.

However, it can also add to your grief when you cling to false hope.

Examples of this can be hoping that a person who is an addict will become clean or that a person with dementia is going to recognize you.

I believe parents experience ambiguous loss as we adjust to the changes that come with our children getting older. We are in a sense losing the child that once was as we continue to love the person they are and will become. This unclear loss is a loss, nonetheless.

I experienced ambiguous loss/grief when my husband was drinking and taking pills. At the time, I did not realize the grief that accompanies loving someone who is an addict. In retrospect, however, I know that there is a huge sense of loss when the person that stands before you acts like a completely different person. My husband was the same physically, but he was not the man I knew. I was now married to a stranger as I gave birth to his baby and raised our child. Having to cope with that is grief in every sense of its meaning.

GRIEVING THE LOSS OF MY LIVING MOTHER

The most recent ambiguous loss that took place in my life was when I went no contact with my mother almost three years ago. My mother is alive, but she is no longer in my life. I made a decision to terminate contact with her. As a result, I am now grieving the loss of my living mother.

I explained in my prior post that I made this choice because of the childhood abuse I endured at her hands, as well as the psychological and emotional abuse that continued to take place when she would have nothing to do with me or my child as she saw fit.

Although I made this choice, I still grieve for this loss. I grieve the loss of my mother in my life. I may hate what she did to me, but I still love my mother. I simultaneously grieve the loss of my living mother while grieving the absence of the mother I never had and so desperately wanted and needed.

The biggest struggle I face with this type of loss is that it is harder to recognize as grief. When someone dies, there is a sense of closure, no matter how painful. It is clear that person is gone. As result, the pain and various emotions that come from this loss are recognizable and more understandable. With ambiguous loss, it is indeed ambiguous. It is harder to recognize the feelings as one of grief.

Often one isn’t sure how to process or experience a loss that isn’t concrete.

There is understanding, support, and knowledge about traditional grief. There is usually some sort of spiritual or religious belief that guides us through the death of a loved one. Jobs offer bereavement leave to give people the time they need to mourn. Mourning the death of a person is also something that is considered normal and there are support groups and/or other means of professional help.

With ambiguous loss, there is a lack of knowledge and support because there isn’t a person who died. There is not a religious or spiritual process and there is no bereavement leave due to grieving the loss of your living mother. There is a lack of support and services out there to help process this loss.

When a person’s parent dies, there is usually an outpour of sympathy and condolences. I have never received such words. There has never been any acknowledgment of the pain and loss that I feel. I have grieved alone.

People do not see my loss as a true loss because my mother is still alive.

As much as I understand the pain that comes from losing a parent, I know my grief is of a living parent. When I find out about a person’s parent dying, I want to offer my support. I want to let them know that I feel that pain too and that they are not alone. However, I usually don’t say such things out of concern that the person might find it offensive to compare my loss to theirs.

What I feel it is crucial for others to understand is that just because a person is alive, does not mean that we do not grieve deeply. I did not sever ties with my mom over something trivial. I had to walk away from the only mom I will ever have out of necessity. That does not mean that it is not painful. The conflict between my head and my heart is something I wrestle with constantly. Grieving the loss of my living mother means simultaneously knowing I did the right thing while still experiencing profound grief due to that choice. This is merely one type of inner conflict that takes place with someone who experiences ambiguous loss and grief.

MY AMBIGUOUS GRIEF WITH MY MOTHER

My mother has sent me emails since going no contact. One was to tell me she was suing me for grandparents’ visits, one was to retract that threat since she cannot do so based on the legal requirements where I live, and the rest were various forms of telling me I was responsible for keeping her granddaughter away from her. None of these emails contained any acknowledgment or responsibility for what led to my decision.

With each letter, I feel various forms of grief.

I initially feel hope that perhaps this email will be different than the others. Perhaps she will finally love me enough to want to make things right. This is the type of hope that is common and often detrimental to a person experiencing ambiguous loss. Coming to the realization that she is who she is and will never change was the hardest thing for me to accept in my life. Each letter only makes that wound of loss deeper.

After I read her letters, I feel waves of sadness and anger. I often cry and feel rage simultaneously. All of the pain comes rushing back to me. I then use every ounce of strength I possess to not respond to her email. My impulse is to explain how much it hurts me that she won’t admit that she abused me. It rips me apart that she won’t acknowledge that it isn’t okay to say that she doesn’t like me and wants nothing to do with me. I want to scream at her that I don’t understand why she doesn’t miss me enough to make things right, and why she is willing to miss out on watching her granddaughter grow up.

There are so many things I want to say, so many things I have said before, but things I know will never be understood by the woman I call my mom.

My mother is getting older, and the time will eventually come when she will leave this earth. It is then that others will say their condolences- or will they? Will I ever be seen as someone who is grieving their mother when I chose to not have her in my life while she was living?

The truth is, we all grieve. We grieve in our own ways and for our own reasons. Some types of grief are more understood than others. What I hope I have conveyed to each of you is that whatever the reason may be, grief is grief, and loss is loss. Just as we should respect and validate others’ feelings, it is important to respect and validate someone’s grief.

Loss is a void that never gets replaced. With time it becomes our new norm, but that absence is always there, and it is never forgotten. I live with that void just as much as any other person who has experienced loss. There is no competition for who grieves more or experiences loss more, but people with ambiguous loss deserve to have their grief recognized too.

I am grieving the loss of my living mom, and I kept that pain to myself for too long.

I hope my story provides support and understanding to those who are also experiencing ambiguous loss. I want you to know that your pain is real, and it deserves acknowledgment. First and foremost, you need to acknowledge it yourself. The person you love may not be dead, but you still need to grieve.

Ambiguous loss is a confusing concept, but that doesn’t mean you have to grieve alone. Reach out to friends or loved ones and explain to them how you are feeling. Do not keep your feelings to yourself, and do not allow anyone to minimize your feelings. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling without permission or approval. I hope you show yourself compassion and understanding as you ride the waves of these emotions just as you would any traditional loss.